**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
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From the Back of the Book: A matchmaking duel... Jeffrey French has been at Sweet Valley High for only one week, and already he's made quite an impression, especially with the girls. Enid Rollins has a crush on the rugged junior, but just as she's about to claim Jeffrey for her own, Lila Fowler declares that Jeffrey is just the boy for her. Elizabeth Wakefield isn't about to let Lila steal Jeffrey from her best friend. And when Jessica, Elizabeth's twin, finds out her sister is helping Enid, she vows to do whatever she can to help Lila. Jessica's not going to stand for Jeffrey ending up with Enid, and she's certainly not going to let herself be outwitted by her own twin!
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1986 and this is my first time reading it. I find the description on the back of the book to be pretty vile. Enid and Lila are acting like they can call dibs on a human being. Jeffrey doesn't have to date either of them just because they've decided they like him. This book sounds gross and I'm already irritated at everyone involved. The cover is dumb and makes both girls look like extremely childish 40-year-olds.
In the last book, there was a pledging period for that ridiculous sorority that the twins are part of. We spent the entire book listening to Sandra whine about how she didn't want her best friend Jean to join because Jean already leads a #blessed life. Sandy did everything she could to sabotage Jean but Jean got in anyway. Oh, and Steven decided to drop out to work on a cruise ship but changed his mind when his family didn't react to it the way he wanted. It was a dumpster fire of a book and this one sounds worse. Yay.
Missing, Presumed Dead: Regina is unfortunately still being held captive under the Wakefield compound but now she has Cara to keep her company. I'm sure they're playing Uno with George as we speak. Sandra and Jean are underground where they belong along with Patty and Lynne. The four of them only existed for one book and will likely never be seen again.
Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: Bruce made it out in time to participate in the C-plot. I don't know why he left Regina behind, but let's face it, Bruce kind of sucks.
We begin with the twins, Enid and Lila sitting outside the school during their lunch hour. William jumps right into telling us that the twins are California perfection from their aquamarine eyes to their sun-streaked hair to their perfect “trim” figures before veering off into their respective differences. This time Liz is described as “dedicated, hardworking and meticulous” while Jess is described as “obsessed with her visibility and impulsive”. William never tells the truth about Liz but her grasp on Jess gets a little better each time. Jess is definitely both of those things while Liz is none of the things William tried to assign to her. It's like she thinks we'll believe her if she keeps telling us things even though we read the damn books and we know better.
Jess suddenly spots Jeffrey across the quad with Aaron Dallas and points him out. Liz sees Enid blush at the sight of him. The two of them have already been “scheming” to find a way for Enid to talk to Jeffrey.
Huh.
I thought 'scheming' was something only Jess does, William. At least that's what you keep telling us over and over again. I thought your precious Liz would never.
Also, why can't Enid just talk to Jeffrey? Why do they need an elaborate scheme?
Lila instantly takes an interest in Jeffrey to Liz's dismay. She tries to neg Jeffrey out, telling Lila that he's “from a farm” and he's “crazy about sports” as if those are bad things. Enid adds that “farming is pretty gross” and it involves “lots of manure”. What is wrong with these two?
Lila is not deterred by their shenanigans. She mentions that she's been thinking about getting a horse and muses about asking Jeffrey for some advice. Jess thinks it's a great idea and says that the two of them would be a good looking couple. Liz is upset and Enid is horrified. Lila gets up and rushes over to introduce herself to Jeffrey because she's a normal person who doesn't need to “scheme” to talk to another normal person. As soon as she's gone, Liz pats Enid's hand and says “you must be ready to kill her!”
Um.
Excuse me?
They're acting like Enid has some right to be upset here. She doesn't. Jeffrey doesn't belong to her just because she finds him attractive. He can talk to whoever he wants. He can date whoever he wants. Enid doesn't have a right to “claim” him because she thinks he's cute. This is fucking toxic and gross.
Also, jumping right to murder is a little extreme. Shouldn't they start out with writing about Lila in their diaries or something?
After school we get slapped with the B-plot. The twins' cousin Jenny is coming to stay with them for two weeks. Jess clues us in that Jenny is a huge pain in the ass. She's two years younger and obsessed with Jess so Liz isn't too concerned about it. It seems like a Jess problem to her. She's much too busy thinking about that stupid paper she writes for and a food drive they're doing. I don't know if the food drive is the C-plot or not. I'll decide later.
(((Note from future me: it definitely is.)))
Back at home, Liz calls Enid so they can scheme some more. Liz is sure that Enid is the perfect match for Jeffrey and she's determined to make it happen. Fuck what Jeffrey wants I guess. Liz tells her that Jeffrey has joined the paper as a photographer so she'll be working with him closely. She figures she can come up with some angle to push him and Enid together. No, I don't know how. And, no, I don't know why they think Jeffrey will fall madly in love with Enid as soon as he talks to her. These girls have lost it.
Jenny arrives at the compound and William describes her in very unflattering terms that I'm choosing not to mention because I refuse to be a party to this. Just know that Jenny is continually body shamed in this book because either William or Pascal have a real problem with people who aren't a size seven. It's disgusting and I won't participate in it. I will be leaving any reference to Jenny's size, shape or eating habits out of this recap but please know that the descriptions included in this book are awful. I can't even believe the language being used to describe A CHILD.
They should be ashamed.
Everyone eats dinner and then Jess heads out to meet Lila at the ice cream parlor because Jeffrey and Aaron are supposed to be there. Jenny insists on coming and Jess isn't given a choice in the matter. They also meet up with Jess' current love interest – a boy named Eddie who I don't expect to ever hear from again after this book – and Ken. I don't know why Ken is there. Ken doesn't seem to know why Ken is there.
Ken and Eddie seem to enjoy Jenny's company and the three of them discuss books much to Jess' dismay and embarrassment. She's thrilled when Aaron and Jeffrey finally arrive and join them. Lila immediately gets her flirt on. She asks Jeffrey for advice on horses but he tells her he grew up on a tree farm.
So I guess there wasn't much manure after all, Enid.
Lila invites Jeffrey to a pool party at her house the next afternoon and Jenny excitedly asks if she can come too. Jess is pissed but there isn't a gracious way to decline, so Jenny is invited. They leave shortly after that and, on the way home, Jenny mentions that she overheard Liz on the phone with Enid earlier scheming up ways for Enid to talk to Jeffrey. Jess doesn't want Enid to end up with Jeffrey because.....reasons I guess....so she vows to make sure Lila ends up with him instead. She asks Jenny not to tell Liz about the pool party because she doesn't want Liz and Enid to show up and wreck Lila's chances.
We skip to the pool party. Jeffrey is busy playing water volleyball and isn't paying much attention to Lila. Eddie continues to be nice to Jenny which irritates Jess. That's literally all that happened. This pool party took up about three paragraphs and I'm not even sure why William needed it.
We skip to the next day. Despite her promise to Jess, Jenny tells Liz all about the pool party. Liz is furious and knows they were purposely excluded to give Lila an advantage. She calls Enid who gets “hysterical” about it. Yes, that was the word William used. Liz calms her down and says she'll make sure Enid and Jeffrey bump into each other. Jeffrey wants to join the paper and there's a volleyball game the next night. She'll assign Jeffrey to go and Enid can be there and the two of them can talk.
Why can't she just talk to him at school, I ask again? Why do they need these stupid plans?
Eddie comes over to the house and Jenny spends the afternoon being a third wheel. She even manages to invite herself along on their date the next weekend. Jess has finally had enough and goes to complain to VileAlice. Her mom basically tells her to stop bitching and to be a “good hostess”. Jess cries but it gets her nowhere.
Also, apparently Liz doesn't need to be a good hostess. Jess is the only one forced to entertain Jenny for the entire visit.
We skip another whole day. This book is jumping around like a kid who just ate 50 pixie sticks and chased them down with some Mountain Dew. Apparently the food drive is our C-plot after all and Enid is chairing it. Liz just can't fathom that there are actually people in Sweet Valley who don't have enough to eat because she's super self-absorbed and never notices other people's issues unless they impact her in some way. There's going to be an auction where kids will bid on things with cans of food and then a beach party. No, I don't know how the beach party factors in.
(((Note from future me: it doesn't. They just have it so the kids can party to reward themselves for collecting cans of food.)))
Creepy Mr Collins comes into the newspaper room and asks Liz if she can give Jeffrey a “tour” and an orientation. How much of a tour could it be? The newspaper room is just that - a singular room. Liz's head is so far up Creepy Mr C's butt that she can taste what he ate for breakfast so she agrees. When Jeffrey arrives, he mistakes Liz for Jess at first but she sets him straight. He gets a little flirty with her and she's uncomfortable because she likes it. She gives him the tour of the room and tells him what kinds of things they need pictures of for the paper. After the official business is done, they get to know each other a little bit. Liz thinks he's sweet and funny. She tells him that she has a friend she wants him to meet who will be at the volleyball game later. She encourages Jeffrey to go to get a feel for the school spirit and tells him he should seek out Enid. He asks if she's going but she says that she has to hang out with her cousin Jenny. Jeffrey doesn't seem to want to go if Liz isn't there but she pushes and says that if he really wants to work on the paper, he'll go.
Wait.
Did she just threaten him?
I know it wasn't overt but I swear she basically just told him if he doesn't go to the volleyball game and meet Enid, she won't consider him a team player. This bitch needs to take several seats. What a manipulative piece of shit. She has no right to meddle in Jeffrey's personal life at all but she definitely doesn't have the right to make dating Enid a requirement for him to join the newspaper. Liz is the worst.
Jeffrey is pretty noncommittal about the volleyball game and quickly changes the subject. He asks Liz if he can give her a ride home so she can show him around SV. She declines because she has the Fiat. He asks her if she wants to go have a coke with him but she says she needs to get home to Jenny. She again pushes him to go to the game and look for Enid and he reluctantly agrees but she can tell he's not really excited about it.
Suddenly Liz feels uneasy about this matchmaking business. William tries to gaslight us into thinking that Liz never really wanted to do this at all because the idea of matchmaking is dumb. No, ma'am. This was Liz's idea all along. The only reason she's rethinking things now is because she has a thing for Jeffrey.
We skip ahead to 10:00pm when Enid calls Liz in hysterics because Jeffrey didn't show up at the game. This seems like an extreme reaction. Liz soothes her by saying he must have had some kind of family emergency. She vows to come up with another plan to put the two of them together, proving that all the bullshit William just threw at us wasn't true at all.
By the way, Enid, YOU COULD JUST TALK TO HIM AT SCHOOL WITHOUT A PLAN!
Jess and Jenny get home and Jenny excitedly tells Liz all about their night at the Beach Disco. Apparently she danced with Eddie three times. Should we be uncomfortable about this? Jenny is 15 and Eddie is presumably 17 like the twins (although he could be slightly younger or older). She'd be a freshman and he'd be a junior. That doesn't feel too icky I guess.
Hey, what's she doing visiting the Wakefields for two weeks while school is going on? This is weird and I just now realized it.
Anyway.....Jenny says Jeffrey was there and slow danced with Lila all night. Liz seethes that he did “something rotten to Enid”.
NO, HE DID NOT! ENID HAS NEVER EVEN TALKED TO JEFFREY. HE'S ALLOWED TO TALK TO WHOEVER HE WANTS. HE'S ALLOWED TO DANCE WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS. JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND HAS A CRUSH ON HIM DOES NOT MEAN SHE OWNS HIM. IT DOES NOT MEAN HE'S REQUIRED TO DATE HER AND ONLY HER. IT DOES NOT MEAN HE CAN'T TALK TO OTHER GIRLS.
I fucking hate Liz.
Later that night, Jenny tells Jess that Eddie can't tell her and Liz apart. Jenny thinks it's adorable but Jess is insulted. She's been hanging out with Eddie for awhile and she thought he'd know the difference by now.
We skip to the next day. Jeffrey asks Liz to have lunch with him but she coldly refuses. She demands to know why he didn't go to the game. He says that he ran into Lila and Jess and they said they were going to the Beach Disco with Jenny. Since Liz had told him that she was spending the evening with Jenny, he assumed she'd be at the Beach Disco as well. Clearly he would rather spend his time with Liz, who he met and had a good conversation with, than Enid who he's never talked to once. Go figure.
Liz goes to discuss battle plans with Enid. Enid asks Liz to convince Jeffrey to put a date with himself up for their C-plot auction. Enid will bid on him and then Jeffrey will fall madly in love with her and they'll live happily ever after. Liz isn't sure how to go about this but Enid tells her to convince Jeffrey that it's customary for new students to sell themselves for charity.
This is so dumb.
We skip to later in the newsroom. Liz asks Jeffrey to participate in the auction. He's hesitant but she lays it on thick and he eventually agrees. She really thinks it's okay to pressure him into doing things he clearly doesn't want to do. This book is disgusting on so many levels.
We skip right to Friday. This book isn't even pretending to have a plot. Enid knows that everything will be ruined if Lila is at the auction so she comes up with a plan to keep her and Jess away. As the chair of the auction, she assigns Jess and Lila to box up all the cans. She figures that will make them avoid the auction like a plague. It works. Jess and Lila don't go to the auction so they won't be roped into boxing up cans.
Enid comes to the auction with 75 cans and bids them all on Jeffrey. She wins. Even Winston is flabbergasted at her bid which just shows how batshit it is. Excuse me, Enid, but your desperation is showing.
This feels so gross. She essentially just bought him thinking that will force him into a relationship with her. Why is this book so awful? #saveJeffreyFrench
We skip to that evening. Jenny, Jess and Eddie go on their weird three person date. Jess keeps trying to ditch Jenny but she doesn't take the hint. Neither does Eddie who seems to prefer Jenny's company over Jess'. The two of them discuss old movies, books and classical music while Jess seethes. She tells us that she's rapidly losing interest in Eddie because he seems to be interested in nerdy things and because he can't even tell her and Liz apart.
Jess spots Jeffrey and Enid walk in and goes over to see why they're together. Jeffrey tells her about Enid winning a date with him at the auction and Jess realizes that she and Lila were tricked. She vows to get revenge on Enid and Liz.
I swear this plot is tissue thin. It's like gas station toilet paper.
We hop into Enid's head. She's a little sad because the date hasn't been very romantic and Jeffrey clearly isn't in love with her just because she “paid” for him. He's being nice – opening doors and pulling out chairs and listening to her conversation – but she can tell he isn't into her. She decides to give up her dreams of becoming Mrs French because canned food doesn't ensure instalove.
I'm surprised it took her this long to realize that.
We just skip to Sunday. Everyone's getting ready for that beach party the students are throwing themselves to congratulate themselves on gathering food for the hungry. I mean, they could have used the money they're spending on this party to buy even more food but whatevs.
Liz is still scheming to get Enid and Jeffrey together despite Jeffrey clearly not being interested and Enid being okay with that. Liz just won't listen to her because she's obsessed with winning. She marches over and drags Jeffrey away from Lila on the dance floor to “help her with an article for the newspaper”. She tells him that she's going to interview several people about the C-plot and she wants him to take pictures. I guess he brought his camera to the party?
When it's time to interview Enid about the auction, Liz tells Jeffrey to interview her by himself while she talks to Creepy Mr C. Jeffrey seems annoyed about it but Liz doesn't care. She just wants to win.
Liz walks off and is instantly confronted by Jess about her schemes. Jess isn't really mad that Liz is doing it, just that she's doing it behind her back. Liz pretends not to know what Jess is talking about which is just ridiculous.
When Liz turns back around, Enid is alone. She stomps over, demanding to know why Enid let Jeffrey “get away”. Enid starts to cry, begging Liz to stop because she's making everything worse. Liz snaps at her that she just needs to “try harder” so they can win. She doesn't care about Enid's feelings or Jeffrey's feelings. Liz doesn't care about anyone but Liz. This is her true form despite the bullshit William tries to shove down our throats at the beginning of every book.
Sorry for that mental image.
Liz searches down Jeffrey and he clearly isn't happy to see her. He asks why she's playing games with him and tells her that he's allowed to pick his own dates. Liz says that Enid really likes him and it's “the very least” he could do to date her.
BITCH, HE DOESN'T OWE ENID A DATE JUST BECAUSE SHE LIKES HIM. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO. THIS IS R/NICEGIRLS BEHAVIOR AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
Jeffrey yells at her to stop fucking around with his life and to keep her nose out of his business. She's stunned as he stomps away.
#teamJeffrey
In all seriousness, I actually like him so far. I'm sure that will change.
Liz collapses on the sand and sobs. Jess comes to comfort her despite the fact that she really doesn't deserve it. She points out that Liz seems to be into Jeffrey but Liz plays dumb. Or she is dumb. You pick. Liz asks her why she isn't hanging out with Eddie and Jess says that Eddie is spending all his time with Jenny. She's not too upset about it, though, because he couldn't even tell them apart so he clearly wasn't as into her as she was into him.
I swear Jess is the only reasonable one in this book. The only one with any empathy too.
Liz goes to talk to Enid. She admits that she likes Jeffrey and Enid is surprisingly okay with it. She even encourages Liz to talk to him. Liz takes the advice and goes to apologize to Jeffrey. He forgives her and says he's in instalove with her. They kiss. Lila dies a thousand deaths.
So do I. #saveJeffreyFrench
The D-plot finally emerges on the last page when Creepy Mr C mistakes Jess for Liz. Jess is over being a twin and vows to do something to make herself stand out.
This book was complete trash. Between the fat-shaming and the blatant disregard for Jeffrey's free will, it was one of the worst I've read. And that's saying something considering how awful this series is.
Coming Up Next: Jess tries to set herself apart from Liz. I mean, she could just dye her hair blue or something and that would solve the issue but I'm guessing it's going to be so much dumber than that.
