Out of Reach (SVH #50) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

NOTE: I am very aware that these books were written by ghost writers but since Pascal put her name on the cover, I'm holding her solely responsible for everything that happens on these pages.

Tag Line: Will Jade Wu have to defy her father to get what she wants?

From the Back of the Book: Impossible dreams…. All Jade Wu wants is to be as All-American as the other girls in Sweet Valley. But her traditional Chinese father won’t let her date or do any of the things other teenage girls do, so Jade’s sure she’ll never fit in. Jade is a talented dancer, and when she wins the solo part in a dance show, she takes the role despite her father’s objections. Soon she’s happier than she dreamed she could be, especially when the show brings her together with handsome David Prentiss. Jade begins to confide everything in David – until it looks as if he’s betrayed her deepest secret about her family. Can Jade really find happiness in her two worlds or was her father right all along?

📢TRIGGER WARNING: We all knew this was going to be here. This book contains instances of racism and fetishization.  I’ll understand if you want to skip this one.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*CreepySteven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*DisgustingBruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

*Jeffrey French – Liz's new victim....I mean love interest

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1988 and this is my first time reading it. I swear Liz looks extra punchable on the cover. Apparently the sticker is commemorating the fifth anniversary of the series. It’s wild to me that this series spanned something like fifteen years. Who on earth was reading these books for fifteen years?

In the last book, Jess tried to tone down her personality to appeal to AJ who quickly got bored of her bland behavior. Liz continued her time with Recorder II and basically just existed to criticize her sister (what else is new?). Jess also won a wardrobe by participating in a fashion show despite the sabotage of Pamela who tried to steal the show….and AJ.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Kirk the Jerk, Julie, Josh and Jean remain underground. They were joined by DisgustingBruce, Enid, Caroline, CreepySteven, Questionable Mr Collins, Roger and Olivia. AJ was mentioned but never seen so I'm suspicious he might be locked up as well.  Unless I have proof of life, I don't believe he's walking topside.

Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: The Droids made their escape en masse to participate in the A-plot. They were joined by a surprise but I’m going to let you discover that one in real time. 😉

We begin with Lila, Amy and Jess discussing the upcoming music and dance show. Some teacher I’ve never heard of is putting it on to raise money to add a couple of dance classes to the SVH curriculum as electives. Amy is determined to try out for the big dance solo but Jess secretly thinks that Amy is deluded. She tells us that Amy isn’t really a very good dancer. Jess herself has decided not to audition. She loves to be on stage with everyone looking at her but she doesn’t want to devote the time to be in the show. She’s too busy with AJ and cheerleading.

Lila tells Amy that the solo will probably go to Jade Wu if she tries out. Jade is new to SVH but everyone knows she’s the best dancer in school despite the fact they've NEVER SEEN HER DANCE. Pascal just doesn’t bother to make things make sense anymore. Amy pouts and says: “But she’s Chinese!” and “the soloist for the finale should be blond, all-American like me”.

Lila gives her a very disdainful look and says that Jade is American. When Lila Fowler is your book’s emotional compass you have problems.

Maria was supposed to be the student producer of the show but she has the flu so Liz has been asked to fill in because of course she has. Why would they ask someone with actual musical talent when they could ask a girl who has been playing the recorder for a few weeks? Obviously Liz is the only one qualified to do this.

We finally land in Jade’s head across the cafeteria. She’s talking to her best friend Melanie.

Jade is lamenting that her dad won’t let her dance in public in front of strangers so she can’t audition for the show. She even has to take private, one-on-one lessons because he won’t let her take traditional dance classes. Melanie says she has to because she’s the best dancer in the school. One, how do you know that? If no one has ever seen her dance, how the fuck do they know she’s the best dancer in the fucking school, Pascal?

Two, whatever happened to that Danielle chick from a few books back? You know, the senior that everyone said was the best dancer in the school? The one who landed a role in an actual professional production? Did Pascal just forget about her? Maybe she needs a spreadsheet too.

Jade’s dance teacher Eve thinks she’d be perfect for the solo even though she has zero knowledge of the show in general or what they’re looking for in a soloist. Pascal doesn’t care about details, y’all. They’re just pesky things that get in the way of her brilliant storytelling.

Jade launches into a rant about how her dad talks about China too much and is constantly comparing her to girls in China who he finds superior in every way to Americans. Jade wishes she looked more American instead of “the epitome of Oriental beauty”.

Dr Wu – Jade’s dad – hates Sweet Valley because of how homogeneous it is. He has a right to be concerned about it. The only Hispanic character was accused of blowing up a boat and the only disabled character was killed off. It’s a dangerous world to be in if you’re not blonde and thin.

Jade and Melanie spend four or five pages having the exact same conversation over and over again. “You have to audition!” “I want to but I can’t because my dad is awful!”

Jade takes the bus after school to get downtown for dance class. A boy from SVH named David poofs into existence on the same bus. Jade thinks he’s pretty cute so she’s super happy when he sits beside her and strikes up a conversation. Jade explains that she’s on her way to dance class and, unprompted, David tells her that he wants to take painting classes but he’s one of six kids and his single mom can’t afford it.

David tells her that he’s working on some of the sets for the music show and encourages her to audition since she takes dance lessons. She tells him she’ll think about it and then vows to make her dad see reason.

We land in the twinsie’s heads in time to get our standard description of their physical perfection.

Ghostie doesn’t dwell on much beyond the physical, simply saying that Jess enjoys the spotlight while Liz likes to do homework and write. It’s all very lackluster. I guess this one couldn’t be bullied into lying about Liz’s attributes. While the twins are bickering over whose turn it is to make dinner, EvilNed comes home. He has an invitation to his 25^th high school reunion in his hand and he morosely tells his daughters that he can’t possibly go because he’s super old looking. He mopes off and the twins basically laugh at him. When VileAlice comes home they tell her about EvilNed’s gray haired woes. She frets and says she’s worried he’s having a mid-life crises. She says it like it’s a horrible medical diagnosis that could be potentially fatal.

Is this our B-plot? EvilNed’s wrinkles? Oh, joy.

We’re back with Jade and the A-plot. She tells her mom about the show and asks for help convincing Dr Wu to let her audition. Her mom holds very old-fashioned values about keeping the home and raising the kid and being subservient to the husband so she isn’t much help. She’s American but her parents are Chinese and Pascal is writing her as the most stereotypical Chinese woman in existence. It doesn’t make much sense but nothing else does either so we’ll just go on.

Dr Wu is unhappy when he comes home because of some racist comments his co-workers were making about Chinese Americans. He insists that Jade needs to make some more Chinese friends and someday she has to marry a boy from China because Americans are awful. Which is a bold thing to say when your wife and daughter are technically Americans. Jade decides this is the best time to ask her father if she can audition for the show. She leads with how it’s for a good cause and says she’ll be allowed to choreograph her own dance so that it will be beautiful and not too modern. He tells her that he doesn’t want her to dance in front of strangers.

I don’t get it.  And Pascal doesn't bother to explain it.

Jade goes to her room and cries. Her mom comes up and says they’ll try to ask him again when he’s in a better mood. Which would work if the auditions weren't in two days.

We’re back with the twinsies and the B-plot. Jess is worried that EvilNed is going to turn into an embarrassment in his quest to look and act younger. Liz says they should just go with it and wait it out. Jess immediately comes up with A Plan. Sigh. These are always stupid. She says they’ll get EvilNed some hip clothes and take him to some dance clubs and that beach disco place to hang out. He’ll feel awkward and out of place and come to his senses. Liz thinks it’s a good plan and they decide to enlist the help of VileAlice.

The B-plot is confusing me as well. Pascal likes to go on and on about how youthful and attractive both VileAlice and EvilNed are. In every book they are described as looking like CreepySteven’s older brother or the twins’ older sister. Why all of a sudden is Ned a gray-haired, wrinkly old man? I hate it when Pascal just rewrites stuff to suit her whim-of-the-moment. It makes everything she tells us meaningless because she’ll tell us something different in the next book.

Back to Jade and the A-plot. In the biggest coincidence ever, the history teacher announces that they’re going to be talking about Chinese culture that day. They talk about traditions and ceremonies and holidays and all the usual stuff. Then he mentions that many Chinese American people blend both Chinese and American traditions/cultures in their homes. He asks Jade if her family does this. She replies: “There’s nothing unique or Chinese about my family. My dad doesn’t run a laundry or anything.”

Really, Pascal?

Also, it’s a lie because her father and mother are both very interested in preserving their heritage/cultures/traditions.

The history teacher seems upset and embarrassed by what Jade said and just moves along with the lesson. Then…...I fucking hate Pascal…...Jade tells us that her grandparents actually own a laundry and she’ll just die of shame and embarrassment if anyone at SVH finds out.

After class, David comes up to ask if Jade was serious about her family not “keeping up” any Chinese traditions. He’s disappointed when she lies and says it’s true. He goes on and on about how cool it would be to have an “interesting heritage” and it’s starting to feel like he’s fetishizing Chinese people.

Later Eve and Jade have the same conversation we’ve already heard a million times. “You have to audition!” “My father won’t let me”.

Jade rushes toward the bus stop and runs into David who is loading boxes into a delivery truck. He says he works part time to help his mom pay the mortgage. Jade is impressed with this because most boys are too “self-absorbed” to help their parents pay the bills.

Or maybe they just don’t need to?

Or maybe their parents don’t want them to?

David offers her a ride home which would definitely get him fired in the real world. There are insurance concerns with delivery trucks. On the way, he tells her that his mom works as a housekeeper. He seems oddly ashamed of it and I’m disappointed in Pascal for insinuating that housekeeping and laundry services are somehow shameful. David asks Jade if she’s going to audition for the show and she says she’s going to try.

We skip to Wednesday afternoon. Jade is nervous about the audition. She’s also intimidated by Amy who is full of confidence.  The choreographer comes out and...........

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!  😮

GUESS WHO MADE IT OUT OF THE DUNGEON AS SOON AS I GAVE HER UP FOR DEAD??????????? 

PATTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS I didn’t include this in the Released From the Wakefield Dungeon section because I wanted you to be as surprised as I was.

Anyway, Patty is doing the choreography for the group numbers and she shows the girls a simple routine. The audition starts out with everyone in a group and then the girls get broken down into smaller groups and taught new choreography. Amy struggles but Cara turns out to be pretty good. Danielle isn’t there at all, by the way. Pascal definitely forgot about her.

After evaluating the girls in a group, several are called back to try out for the solo. Amy isn’t one of them but Jade and Cara are. Liz announces that the results will be posted in the morning and the audition ends. David asks Jade to go to the Dairi Burger with him. Jade isn’t allowed to do any activity alone with a boy so she declines but she doesn’t tell him why. He’s hurt, thinking that she thinks less of him because his mom is a housekeeper.

We’re back with the twinsies and the B-plot. At dinner, EvilNed laments that he’s the oldest dude in his exercise class and he can’t keep up with the younger guys. VileAlice says he just needs to get in better shape and mentions that she enrolled him in a marathoners club so he can start training for a marathon. Jess makes a comment about him needing to lose a few pounds because Pascal can’t fucking help herself.

We hope back to Jade and the A-plot. She’s awarded the solo of course. Amy is chosen to dance in the big finale with everyone else who auditioned. She’s not happy about it and makes some kind of comment about Jade only getting the role because she has a “dancer’s body”. I’m not sure what that meant and I really don’t want her to explain it to me. David gives Jade a celebratory hug despite the fact he’s still a little hurt from her rejection. He says he’s designing the posters for the show and he wants to put her front and center on them. He tells her that he’s excited to capture her “distinctive features”. While he’s sketching her, he goes on and on about the shape of her eyes and her silky hair and it all just makes me feel very uncomfortable given how much he’s been fetishizing her. She’s a little worried about it too because she thinks to herself that he might make her “too ethnic”.

This is a lot.

Jade worries that her father might see the posters so she knows she’s going to have to tell him about the show before he finds out another way. She decides to just announce it at dinner. Her father is furious. He says he “won’t allow her to disgrace herself” because in their culture dancing has a sacred significance.

Wait.

Is that true?

Okay, so it seems like a long time ago dance served ceremonial and ritual roles in China (like in most places) but I couldn’t find anything that said that Chinese people find dancing in public disgraceful or disrespectful. I don’t have in depth knowledge of this, however, so I’m just going to walk away.

Dr Wu forbids Jade to dance in public. After he storms from the table, Mrs Wu tells Jade to go ahead with rehearsals and she’ll try to change her husband’s mind. She warns Jade, however, that if he doesn’t change his mind, Jade will have to drop out of the show.

I mean it's kind of dickish to just accept the role knowing you might not actually participate in the show.  She should at least let someone know so another dancer can choreograph something in case they need to step in for her.

Back with the twinsies and the stupid B-plot.  The girls want to drag EvilNed to the Beach Disco so he’ll learn that being young is a pain in the ass and it’s good to be middle aged. Jess goes down to tell him that she and AJ were supposed to double date with Liz and Jeffrey but AJ got sick (he’s really just out of town visiting his grandma). She asks if Ned will go with her instead.

Did Jess just invite Ned to go on a date?

VileAlice badgers him into going on this double date with his daughters, saying it will make him feel younger to hang out with the young people.

But what will dating his daughter make him feel like?

Why was everything so weirdly incestuous in the 80’s?

When they get there, EvilNed is horrified by the “metal music” and all the teenagers thrashing around. Jess pulls him onto the dance floor where she starts to “writhe to the music” in front of him.

What do you think Pascal intended with that particular sequence of words? Because all I can think about is Jess dirty dancing with her dad.

EvilNed gets so freaked out that he calls his mommy…..I mean his wife…..to come pick him up. I would have done the exact same thing.

We skip to Monday morning and pick up with Jade and the A-plot. David reveals the poster design. It features Jade in the front with a chorus line behind her. Everyone loves it. He asks Jade out again and she turns him down again without explaining that she’s simply not allowed to date yet. He is devastated and ends up telling major meddler Liz that he thinks Jade is shunning him because he’s poor.

Days pass. Jade is getting more popular and starts hanging out mainly with the cast. You know who seems to be missing from this cast? Amazing pianist Julie. And that girl who won the singing/song writing contest. Lynne. Where the hell are these amazingly gifted people? Did Pascal forget them too?

Get a spreadsheet, Pascal.  Seriously.  If I can keep track of your universe you certainly can.

At the end of the week, the music teacher announces that they will have two practices over the weekend and then all next week they will be staying even later to prepare for the show. Jade is panicked because there’s no way she’s going to be able to hide this from her father. The teacher also announces that a scout from a very prestigious dance troupe in LA will be attending the show. He’s acting on behalf of a benevolent wealthy woman who wants to sponsor a dancer to attend the troupe’s summer program. He’s going to as many dance shows as he can to find the right person.

She doesn’t even try to make her plots realistic, does she?

Sigh.

David tells Jade that she’d be perfect for the sponsorship and then he asks her out again. I felt bad for him the first couple of times but I don’t anymore. She’s turned you down multiple times, David. Stop asking her. No means no. She turns him down yet again and he asks her if it’s because he’s poor. She says ‘no’ and that it’s because of “weird stuff at home”. He doesn’t believe this and accuses her of being a snob because his mom is a housekeeper. She swears him to secrecy and then reveals the shameful secret that her grandparents own a laundry. He can’t figure out why this is a shameful secret. He chastises her for being ashamed of them when they’re the ones who pay for her dance lessons. He says it doesn’t matter what people do, it matters who they are. Jade thinks she just didn’t explain it right because if she had, he would understand how humiliating this is for her. He gets pissed at her snobbery and walks away.

Then…..this. “Why hadn’t he understood how embarrassed she was about her grandparents’ laundry? He had acted as though there was something wrong with her, not them.”

For the record, Jade, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your grandparents and so fucking much wrong with you.

I hate Jade. Why can’t Pascal write a likable character? Just once. Please.

We’re with Amy now. She’s pissed about Jade getting the solo and pissed about having to see Jade on all the posters. To top it off, David’s set background is a near copy of the poster but with Jade even more prominent on it.

Why? That sounds dumb. Everyone should be featured. I guess they didn’t have the right eye shape for him to be interested.

One afternoon, Amy is running errands with her mom and they go to pick up her dad’s dry cleaning. She notices one of the posters on the wall and points it out to her mom, saying that’s the show she’s going to be in. The elderly woman behind the counter says her granddaughter is the one on the poster. Amy thinks it’s hilarious that Jade’s grandma works in the laundry. She tries to communicate to her mom how juicy this gossip is but her mom basically tells her she’s being a bitch.

We’re back with Jade. It’s Sunday – five days until the show. As soon as she gets to school for the rehearsal, Amy and Lila confront her about her grandparents. Jade assumes David told everyone and she goes to yell at him for betraying her. David denies it and says she shouldn’t be humiliated that people know about her grandparents.  He says she’s awful for thinking their work is beneath her. He’s so pissed at her that he decides he doesn’t want to be part of the show anymore. He goes inside and rips up the set background and then storms away. Jade feels sorry for herself.

We’re back with the twinsies. Liz tells Jess all about the drama and says she’s worried about Jade and wants to meddle. Jess brushes it off because it has nothing to do with her. She wants to discuss the B-plot instead. She tells Liz that they need to drag EvilNed downstairs to watch music videos with them. Liz mopes because she’s way more interested in meddling in Jade’s life.

We’re back with Jade. She tells her mom how upset she is that everyone knows what her grandparents do for a living. Her mom is super disappointed in her. She tells Jade that she has no right to be ashamed of her grandparents who are amazing people and who have always supported Jade. She tells Jade she should be ashamed of herself instead. Jade goes running off to her room.

Liz calls. It serves no purpose other than to clear David’s name. Liz tells her that Amy was the one telling everyone about the laundry. Jade feels bad about accusing David of betraying her and eventually realizes that she’s being a bitch about her grandparents too.

We skip to Monday. Jade tries to talk to David and gets all surprised Pikachu when he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Liz hasn’t been able to convince him to come back to the show either and now DeeDee is fixing the set background. At least Pascal remembered DeeDee existed.

Jade tells Liz everything. Liz declares that “David is going to have to do some forgiving” because “everyone makes mistakes” and part of being in a relationship is forgiving the other person no matter what they do.

Yeah, no.

First, they aren’t even in a relationship. She keeps turning him down without telling him why. Second, you aren’t entitled to someone’s forgiveness. Ever. If David doesn’t want to forgive her, he doesn’t have to. I can see why Liz has this mindset though. It works in her favor when she decides to make the “mistake” of cheating on Jeffrey.

We’re with Liz which means I’m probably going to get pissed off. She walks up to David at lunch and asks to talk to him. He says he doesn’t feel like talking. She doesn’t take no for an answer and literally grabs his arm and drags him off to a table with her.

Liz is the worst.

NO MEANS NO!

Liz orders David to give Jade another chance. He says he doesn’t really like her anymore because the one thing he can’t stand is a person who thinks other people are beneath them because of what they do for a living. Fair. I feel the same way. Liz won’t accept this though. She accuses him of being a hypocrite because he’s being snobby against snobby people.

Liz says Jade just hasn’t learned to be comfortable with herself yet and it’s his responsibility to help her accept her heritage.

No, the fuck it isn’t, Liz. I’m so fucking tired of this bullshit. She did it to poor Justin too.

She goes on to tell David that he’s treating Jade unfairly. (NO THE FUCK HE ISN’T) He pushes back and says he doesn’t think he wants to be friends with someone like Jade which is very fair.

We’re back with Jade. It’s Tuesday night now. Dr Wu says he’s still personally against dancing in public but he can see how much it means to Jade so she has his permission to be in the show. He doesn’t want to come and watch but he won’t stand in her way. Jade thanks him but her heart isn’t really in it anymore.

I’m not sure she has a heart.

We skip to Friday. Jade’s dad presents her with a rose at breakfast to wish her luck in the show. David brings a new set background. It’s pretty much exactly like the original so fuck DeeDee I guess. Jade assumes that means he forgives her.

The show goes perfectly because of course it does. Jade’s dad ends up attending after all, along with her mom, Eve and her grandparents. She gets a standing ovation because of course she does.

David comes up to Jade after the show while she’s standing with her family. He asks her father if he can go out with her. SHE’S TURNED HIM DOWN LIKE FIVE TIMES AND NOW HE’S ASKING HER DAD INSTEAD OF HER LIKE SHE’S A PIECE OF PROPERTY!?! FUCK YOU, DAVID. AND FUCK PASCAL.

Jade thinks this is swoon worthy rather than the dick move it actually is. Dr Wu grants his permission. I hope Jade and David end up in the fucking dungeon for the rest of eternity. I’m over both of them.

Pascal isn’t done being racist so that asshole from the dance troupe comes backstage to announce that he’s going to recommend Jade for the sponsorship thing but the benefactor is from an old family and he thinks it would be best if Jade changes her last name to something more American for the stage. Jade asks why she has to change her name and he admits that the benefactor won’t like it if the girl he recommends is too “ethnic”.

Can we just burn this book? Like salt it, sage it and burn it? I think that would be best.

Jade turns the sponsorship down. I’m done with the A-plot. Pascal drags it out for awhile but I refuse. They can all march themselves right to the dungeon. I’m done with them.

Back to the B-plot. EvilNed makes peace with middle age.  This had to be one of the dumbest B-plots we've ever had.  I know I say that a lot but it's because it's always true.  Why does Pascal bother with these when they are absolutely meaningless?  Is it just to give the twins something to do in their own book series?  Honestly it barely worked here.  I think Jess graced maybe five pages of this book.  All she did was dirty dance with her dad.

We get the set up for the next book at 99% when Jessica announces that Ronnie Edwards is suddenly wealthy. You remember Ronnie, don’t you? He’s the one who dated and sexually harassed Enid. Yay. I can’t wait.

Coming Up Next: How did Ronnie get rich?

Playing For Keeps (SVH 49) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: What's come over Jessica?

From the Back of the Book: Split personality..... Jessica Wakefield is head over heels in love with handsome AJ Morgan. She knows he likes her, but Jessica's convinced he'd really fall in love with her if she were studious and reserved, like her twin, Elizabeth. So Jessica sets out to change her personality completely. But her plans are threatened when she hears about a fashion contest she just knows she could win. How can she compete and still be the shy, sweet girl that AJ thinks she is? When the contest turns into a battle to keep AJ as well as a competition for a designer wardrobe, Jessica has to make some difficult decisions. Will the old Jessica reappear – and risk losing AJ – or is the quiet, serious new Jessica here to stay?

Sigh. Pascal never shies away from repeating content. Why give us something new to read when she can just recycle a couple of plots and cash her check?

📢TRIGGER WARNING📢: Weight is brought up several times in this book. We've come to expect that from Pascal. Protect your mental well-being, y'all. Skip this one if you need to. I promise you won't miss much.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*CreepySteven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*DisgustingBruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

*Jeffrey French – Liz's new victim....I mean love interest

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1988 and this is my first time reading it. Is that a new model for Jess on the cover? She looks different to me. It's a boring cover overall. Not much to talk about.

In the last book, the entire school went crazy over slam books. Liz cheated on Jeffrey because she thought he was falling in love with Olivia. Roger broke up with Olivia (not over Jeffrey). Olivia started a literary magazine. Lila made a play for Jeffrey but he was too clueless to notice. Jess wanted to shed her 'biggest flirt' label so she started acting all serious which attracted the attention of the new boy in school AJ.

Missing, Presumed Dead: I've decided to declare Patty, Eddie and Abby legally dead so this will be their last appearance on the milk carton. RIP. We hardly knew you. Kirk the Jerk, Julie and Josh continue their stint in the Dungeon. I feel so bad for Julie being stuck with those two. At least she gained company this time. The entirety of The Droids and Jean seem to be missing now.

Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: The remaining members of the nonce squad – CreepySteven and DisgustingBruce – have finally made their escape. EvilNed came with them. He should keep better company.

We begin with Liz and most of the cast at the beach. She reviews the last book for us and glosses over the fact she cheated by simply saying she acted like a “dope” because of the slam books. Liz loves to revise history.

The slam books are still a thing, by the way.  They're mentioned a few times but I chose to ignore it.

We immediately launch into a description of the twins' physical perfection. This time the ghostie makes sure to point out that everyone is envious of how lovely they are. Liz is described as “mature” and “practical” which is just bullshit. What exactly was mature about her behavior in the last book, Pascal? I'll wait.

Nothing?

That's what I thought.

It gets worse, though, because she's also described as “dependable, honest, and fair-minded and admired by everyone in Sweet Valley”. First of all, that last thing doesn't count. In order to live in Sweet Valley you have to worship the Wakefields. It's in the bylaws. But I will die on the hill that Liz is one of the most undependable, dishonest, self-absorbed people in the entire fucking town. If you were unsure about this at all, last book should have proved it to you.

Jess is described as “regal”, “self-involved”, “willful”, “impetuous” and “thoughtless”. Those are all pretty accurate to be fair. They've never shied away from calling Jess on her bullshit. If only they'd do the same to Liz.

To prove how far up the twins' asses this town is, we get this.... “So it was no surprise that the Wakefield twins had tied for Most Popular. Between them they represented every exciting, lovable quality a sixteen-year-old could have.”

That has to be the most delusional sentence I've ever read in a book in my entire life.

We slide over to Jess who reminds us that she's madly in love with AJ despite only having one or two conversations with him in total. She thinks he likes her too but he has the wrong impression of her. You see, Jess was so smitten with him that she got all tongue-tied and shy in his presence and now that's who he thinks she is. He likes them shy and subservient. Jess is afraid to correct his impression of her so she's just pretending to be who he thinks she is.

AJ rocks up and Jess is glad she wore a one-piece instead of a bikini because AJ wouldn't want her to show that much of her body.

Jess dials her personality down to a whisper so she doesn't scare fragile AJ too much. She vows to do whatever it takes to hold on to him, even if it means changing her entire personality.

Because that's worked so well the other times she decided to do that. I swear I'm tired of reading the same plot over and over in these books. It's exhausting.

Jess asks AJ if he wants to go to the library with her. She says she has homework to do but she really just wants him to think she's studious. When they get there, she reads him some poetry from the book Liz recommended. It's Emily Dickinson and Jess reads it “in a voice throbbing with emotional intensity”.

I didn't like that sentence at all.

After Dickinson, she starts to read him some Walt Whitman. His interest fades fast and he interrupts her to say he really needs to read poetry with his own eyeballs to understand it. Just hearing it read doesn't resonate with him as much. She's a little disappointed. He asks her if they can leave to go to the Dairi Burger and she says 'yes' even though they just sat down.

What if she really had homework, AJ? Clearly he doesn't care at all and just wants to do what he wants to do.

They get to the Dairi Burger and a ton of classmates are already there. Jess wants to sit with them so she can hear all the gossip but she doesn't want AJ to think she's frivolous.  Luckily Winston waves them over and AJ is happy to go.  Everyone teases Jess about her new quiet personality and DisgustingBruce says he can't tell the difference between her and Liz lately. Jess gets all pouty thinking everyone is trying to sabotage her.

AJ notices that Jess seems quiet and asks her about it. She says she was thinking about nuclear war. He seems pretty taken aback by that but says nothing. Seriously. Was that the best she could do? She couldn't have just said she was listening to everyone?

We skip to Monday afternoon. Liz is concerned that Jess is acting odd around AJ. She decides to confront her about it. Jess says that AJ is more attracted to serious girls so she's just trying to be what he wants. She says that there's no way AJ would like the real her. Liz says she's never given AJ the chance to know the real her. Jess points out that he didn't like Liz when Liz was acting like Jess so that's a pretty big clue. She doesn't want to take the chance that he might dump her if she acts normal. Liz gives up.

Later the only redeemable character in the whole of Sweet Valley makes an appearance.

Well, technically this is Recorder II. Liz has upgraded from the cheap plastic one that Jess bought. I like to think Recorder I has been given a place of honor on a shelf or something where he can watch over Recorder II's progress. Anyway, Liz practices after supper until she's interrupted by Jess. Jess has written a poem and she wants Liz to look it over. Liz is instantly PISSED that Jess dared try to write a poem. She whines that Jess is taking things too far now and thinks “Writing poetry wasn't Jessica's style and it never would be. There was no sense pretending.”

Liz is awful. She reads the poem and all she can think is that it needs to be burned. It's honestly not that bad. I didn't bother to copy it into my notes but it's better than anything we've seen Liz write. Jess wants to show it to AJ but Liz encourages her to write something happier before she shows it to him. (The poem was about how painful and bleak life is without love.) Liz thinks she should just write the poem for Jess because she's the Superior Wakefield.

We skip ahead an unspecified period of time. Everyone is going to the lake for a picnic. Jess and AJ are going early to hike. The hike is super boring. Jess babbles about world hunger in an effort to seem more serious and empathetic. It's so hard to read.

Later Liz and Jess have the exact same conversation about Jess being herself with AJ again. It's only been a few pages, Pascal. We didn't need to read it again.

Winston shows up and introduces the C-plot. We got the C-plot before the B-plot. Wild. Anyway, the school is going to do a musical/dance variety show to raise money for something. I didn't pay attention. Lila immediately recognizes that we went out of order and brings up the B-plot. A designer named Nadine who sells her clothes in a store called Lisette's is holding a contest. Contestants will walk in a fashion show in the mall featuring Nadine's clothes and the girl that best exemplifies Nadine's image will win a wardrobe. It sounds pretty stupid. Lila isn't interested in entering because she already has a ton of Nadine's clothes. Amy says she isn't going to enter because Nadine's clothes make her look fat. Jess thinks that she'd be okay to enter because, unlike Amy, her figure is perfect.

Fucking hell, Pascal. You couldn't resist could you? You just had to do it.

We land in AJ's head on a new day. Every time he mentions liking an activity, Jess suggests that they do it. It's wearing him out. He just wants to hang out and do nothing for awhile but he's afraid to mention it because he doesn't want Jess to think he's a slacker. He was initially attracted to her seriousness but now he finds her depressing and boring and so virtuous that he feels like he can't be himself around her.

Today they are jogging along the beach. Suddenly he hears someone yelling for help out in the water. He immediately jumps in to rescue them and pull them to safety. The struggling swimmer turns out to be a beautiful teenage girl named Pamela. She goes to a private school which explains why we've never met her before. She's starts to flirt with AJ and he seems pretty dazzled by it. He's usually not attracted to the forward type but he's so bored with Jess that Pamela feels like a breath of fresh air.

We skip to the next day. Pamela calls AJ to tell him that she accidentally went home with his towel after his rescue the day before. She invites him to come over and get it but he hedges because he's supposed to meet Jess at the library after she's done with cheerleading practice. Pamela tells him it won't take long for him to retrieve the towel and besides, her parents want to meet him and thank him for saving her life. He decides that he needs a little excitement in his life so he tells her he'll be right over.

When AJ gets to Pamela's house, her parents aren't even home. She's says they're in Denver but they'll be back soon. Like how soon? Because Denver isn't exactly just down the road from Sweet Valley, California. He's kind of annoyed that she lied to get him to the house but she's so hot that he decides to forgive her. Pamela flirts a bunch and then invites him to get in the hot tub with her. He says he needs to leave. She invites him to go to a school dance with her and he says maybe before he runs from the house.

Back with Jess. She's agonizing over whether to participate in the B-plot or not. She really wants to but she's afraid AJ will find it frivolous and she'll lose him. She can tell he isn't exactly happy in their relationship and blames it all on the fact that she's just not being perfect enough for him.

AJ shows up late to meet her and she has to pretend to be unbothered about it. He actually tells her that he went to Pamela's to pick up his towel and that makes her seethe inwardly but she shows no reaction.

We slide over into Liz's head. She's having some quality time with...........

Jess once again interrupts her to wail about Pamela trying to steal AJ. Liz says that it's time for AJ to meet the “real Jess”. Jess sobs that he won't like her and we go around and around that conversation again. Liz encourages her to enter the fashion show contest. Jess frets that AJ won't like it but Liz says he'll be proud of her.

She doesn't know that.

It's Saturday now. Lila, Jess and Amy head to Lisette's so Jess can sign up for the fashion show. I guess she's going to participate in the B-plot after all. They're in the Fiat so Amy is riding on Lila's lap.

My manager made that one for me. 👆

Lila asks if Jess is going to try out for the C-plot. Jess isn't sure. Someone named Jade Wu gets brought up. Apparently she's a really good dancer but I'm pretty sure she didn't exist before this book. Why does Pascal keep adding characters instead of using the ones she already has? Before they get out of the car, Lila calls Amy fat because Pascal gets off on it.

In Lisette's they run into Pamela. She's also signing up for the B-plot. Lila says she has an ego the size of Rhode Island and an ass to match.

We skip ahead an unspecified amount of time. Jeffrey and Liz are double dating with Jess and AJ. So Liz is on a date with her boyfriend and the boy she cheated on him with?

It doesn't go well. I don't know why any of them thought it would. At one point, Jess and Jeffrey get up to go to the jukebox and AJ confesses to Liz that he's bored of Jess. She wants to tell him that Jess isn't being herself but doesn't.

We skip ahead to Monday and land back in AJ's head. Pamela calls again. She says she's bored and he tells her to find a hobby. She asks if he's coming to her dance and he tells her that it's complicated right now because he's still dating Jess. She calls Jess a dishrag or something which irritates him but he gets over it fast because Pamela's hot. He knows that he shouldn't be talking to her but he's bored with Jess and craving a little excitement in his life.

If that all sounds familiar it's because we've heard it before.  Several times.

Now it's Thursday and we're with Liz. Olivia makes an appearance to suggest Liz do an Eyes and Ears column about the C-plot. Liz does, speculating on who might enter and mentioning JW. Lila shows up to discuss her concerns about Jess with Liz. She says she has a plan to get Jess back to normal.

Not another plan. These people suck at plans. I can't take it.

Lila says that Jess will snap out of it if she has to fight Pamela for AJ. She suggests they talk about Pamela a lot over the next few days to irritate Jess in the hopes that Jess will want to fight Pamela the next time she sees her.

That's it? That's the plan? It's so stupid.

We skip to Friday evening now. There's a rehearsal for the fashion show, so Jess, Lila and Amy head back to the mall. Jess looks over her clothes and is pleased by the selections. Lila and Amy keep mentioning how nice Pamela is going to look in all her clothes. Jess gets pissed but not enough to pick any fights with Pamela.

We skip to Saturday. Everyone is back at the mall for the fashion show competition. Jess gets in her first outfit which is a knit dress. Pamela 'accidentally' bumps into her and snags her bracelet on the dress. When she pulls it away, the dress snags and some yarn comes loose in the back. Jess walks up the catwalk fine but knows she can't turn her back to the cameras on the end so she just dances her way backwards down the runway. The crowd loves it.

Her second dress is denim with two zippers that run up the sides. The zippers have been tampered with so there's a gap in the waist area. Jess covers it with a huge belt and then goes down the runway. Three more of her outfits have been sabotaged but she makes do and no one is any wiser.

The last outfit is a swimsuit and cover up. They haven't been tampered with so Jess thinks she's in the clear. As she's waiting to go out on the runway, Pamela runs up and pours a huge glass of water over her. Jess immediately lets her have it with both barrels. She yells at Pamela for tampering with all her outfits and for trying to steal her boyfriend. The crowd overhears all this.  Pamela ends up bowing down to Jess' alpha energy.

No seriously. The entire crowd literally claps for Jess. Nadine declares Jess to be the kind of woman her clothes need. Jess wins the contest and Pamela slinks away in shame.

Later Jess and AJ meet up to talk. She tells him that she thought he wouldn't like the real her. He confesses that he finds the real her more exciting than the fake version. They go up to Miller's point to make out.

I guess that successfully wraps up the A-plot and the B-plot. I wonder how long AJ will be a thing.

We land in Jade's head. She reads the Eyes and Ears column and is stunned to see her initials mentioned. She really wants to try out for the variety show but her traditional Chinese father won't allow it. She's mad at him for being so stuck in the old ways.

The book ends there.

This book was just 176 pages of absolutely nothing. We all knew how it was going to end before it began.

Coming Up Next: Jade probably tries out for the variety show.

It's going to be racist, isn't it? Pascal never does this well.