**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
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From the Back of the Book: Predictions... Slam books are the newest craze at Sweet Valley High. They're do-it-yourself books of lists and predictions about everyone in school. They start out as fun but soon stir up big trouble. First, Jeffrey French, Elizabeth Wakefield's boyfriend, gets paired up with another girl under the category, “Couple of the Future”. Then Elizabeth gets matched with the new boy at school, A.J. Morgan – and her twin, Jessica, is furious because she's the one who's fallen hard for A.J. Will the mysterious slam-book entries spell the end of happiness for both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield?
OMG are the twins actually going to get an A-plot in their own series? No way.
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*CreepySteven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
*Jeffrey French – Liz's new victim....I mean love interest
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1988 and this is my first time reading it. It's not my first time reading a book about a slam book though. Apparently these were a thing back in the late 80's. I don't know if they just never caught on at my school or if I was just not cool enough to know about them. I don't have much to say about the cover of this one. It's okay.
In the last book, Julie fell for Bruce despite everyone warning her that he was bad news. Numerous instances of non-consensual kissing were committed. Bruce's frat hazed a bunch of people which included him facilitating sexual harassment and borderline sexual assault. Is anyone really surprised? Jess acted in yet another play.
Missing, Presumed Dead: Patty, Eddie and Abbie who only existed for one book and were never seen again, remain missing. I think it's time to declare them dead and move on. The dungeon also kept CreepySteven and Kirk the Jerk. EvilNed, Julie, Josh and Bruce joined them. I can't say I missed any of these people. Except Abbie. She was okay.
Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: Questionable Mr Collins shows up at a school party so I guess he finally left the Compound. I wish they'd kept him.
We begin with Jess in the cafeteria at lunch with a group of her friends/cheerleaders. Amy is telling the table about slam books which were really popular in her old school before she moved to SV. She's surprised that SVH hasn't discovered them yet. This is a fairly stupid scene considering everyone was already huddled around a slam book at the end of the last book but..........
Someone asks what a slam book is and Amy explains.
*everyone buys a notebook (composition books preferred)
*you write your name on the inside cover
*the notebook is divided into a girls section and a boys section
*you write down categories like 'biggest flirt' and 'best looking'
*everyone trades books and writes down names under the categories before passing it along
So, like I said, slam books weren't really a thing at my school but I read a bunch of books about them in the 80's and 90's and this isn't how any of them worked. In all the books I've read before, you write the name of every person in your class on a page and then you pass the book around and people write down what they really think of that person (anonymously of course). It's more like the Burn Book in Mean Girls. Also, there's typically only one of them which makes the person who started it very popular.
This is a weird version of slam book lore.
Amy pulls out her slam book from her previous school and everyone gets really excited about it. Liz wanders over and asks what everyone is looking at. Another explanation is given. Liz says it sounds like it could turn into an opportunity for people to say mean things anonymously that they wouldn't say to people's faces.
I mean, I think that was the entire point of them. That's why they were called SLAM books.
Lila, Jess and Amy immediately protest that the books are just for fun and no one at SVH would ever be mean to anyone.
This prompts Pascal to launch into her descriptions of the twins. As usual, they are physical perfection and no one on earth has ever been as beautiful as they are. We're told Jess loves change and excitement and follows trends while Liz is studious and conscientious. Studious maybe but Liz is not conscientious. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
Liz has custody of the Fiat that day so Jess tells her that she'll need a ride home. Cheer practice was canceled or something. Liz declines. She's already promised Jeffrey a ride home. I guess no one is riding on a lap in this book. Jess is pissed. She tells us that Liz and Jeffrey spend way too much time together and their relationship is too serious for high school.
Pascal is so fucking repetitive.
Jess gets distracted by a tall, ginger boy down the hall and she asks Liz who it is. Liz doesn't know. Frustrated, Jess runs off to ask Lila for a ride home from school. Liz heads to the Oracle office where Jeffrey is supposed to be working on something for the paper. Instead, she finds him talking to Olivia. Olivia has been trying to produce a literary magazine for ages. She asked Liz for help but Liz turned her down because she was afraid it might take time away from Jeffrey. Jeffrey, however, has agreed to help. He's going to be doing photographs for the cover and for a 'photo essay' inside. Sounds like he's a better friend than Liz. Just sayin.
Olivia seems upset and Liz eventually gets around to asking if she's okay. Olivia says she and Roger have been having trouble lately. She seems really sad but instead of comforting her, Liz makes the situation about herself and worries that she and Jeffrey might potentially have trouble at some point in the future as well. I guess this is Pascal's brand of foreshadowing but it just comes off as callous and self-absorbed.
Which actually describes Liz.
We skip to the next day. Jess, Lila, Cara, Robin and Maria all have slam books. For some reason they've all added the category “Most Fascinating New Male” which is dumb because there's only one in the entire school – the tall ginger. His name is AJ and he's an Army brat so there's no telling how long he'll be there. Everyone giggles about him and talks about how gorgeous he is.
Jess is upset to find out that people have voted her “Biggest Flirt”. I don't know why she's taking such exception to this when she always admits that she likes to flirt with boys. Suddenly it's a bad thing? This makes no sense. She gets so mad about it that she decides to change her entire personality so people will take her seriously.
Seriously, Pascal, this is ridiculous.
After school, Jess sees AJ talking to Aaron and two randos named Paul and Jason who never existed before this book and will probably never exist again. She's determined to non-flirtatiously meet AJ so she walks over to join them. Aaron introduces her and warns AJ that there are two Wakefields walking around campus. Warning people about the Wakefields should really be standard practice in this town. Jess feels all flustered and shy around AJ. She stammers around a bit and then says she needs to get to cheer practice. AJ says he'll walk her because he's headed to basketball practice. I mean, Aaron, Paul and Jason should be headed that way as well since they're all on the team but I guess Pascal forgot in the space of a paragraph.
AJ tries to make small talk with Jess but she's still too nervous and shy to really respond to him. It gets hella awkward. AJ eventually gives up and they walk the rest of the way in silence. When Jess gets to the locker room, everyone is talking about AJ and she gets super jealous about it. She's already decided AJ is hers despite the fact that she didn't even manage to say two complete sentences to him.
That evening, Jess whines to Liz about being seen as a flirt. Liz is just as confused about this as I am and teases her sister about it. Jess starts sobbing and I still don't understand what this is about.
Make it make sense, Pascal. PLEASE.
We land in Olivia's head and I guess this is the B-plot. She and Roger are sitting in the car and it's clear that they've just had an argument of some kind but we aren't told what it was about. Roger says that he doesn't think they can go on the way they're going and that maybe they got too serious too fast. I mean, this is the universe where people decide they're madly in love after one conversation so my guess is that, yeah, you did. Olivia doesn't think they're too serious. She thinks they aren't serious enough and she vows to do everything she can to fight for their relationship. Olivia, honey, you can't be the only one fighting for it. It won't work. He has to want to fight too and he clearly doesn't.
We're back to Jess and the A-plot. It's the next day and even more girls have slam books. Amy is pleased by the popularity of them but worries that she's not being appreciated enough as the person who introduced them to everyone.
To spice things up a bit, and to remind everyone that this was her idea, Amy suggests they add a “Crystal Ball” category to their books where everyone will make categories like “Most Likely to Marry a Millionaire” and “Most Likely to Have a Dozen Kids”. Things like that. Everyone agrees and starts to make the pages.
Winston wanders by to see what the deal is with these composition books. The girls fill him in and then show him one of them. He's under “Biggest Class Clown” of course. They try to get him to start one because they want more participation with the boys but Winston just laughs at them and walks off.
Smart boy.
Jess complains to Lila and Cara about being voted “Biggest Flirt” and they don't get it either. Jess is making it sound like 'flirt' and 'airhead' are the same thing and they're just not. Lila sees AJ in the distance and she drags Cara and Jess over to talk to him. Jess gets all tongue-tied again so Lila does most of the talking.
We hop over to Liz now. She's headed to the Oracle office again to meet up with Jeffrey. They'd planned to take a picnic to the lake after school but he forgot all about it. He told Olivia he'd work on the cover for her literary magazine and he doesn't want to let her down. Liz is disappointed but she pretends she isn't because she's a massive fucking martyr and she'd rather inwardly resent her boyfriend than communicate her feelings to him.
We land back in the B-plot just so Roger can break up with Olivia. He says that he wants to be friends eventually but it might take them awhile to get there. Olivia is devastated.
Back to Liz. That was fast. It's the next day and she's listening to Jeffrey talk about the photo essay he's doing for the literary magazine. He wants to use Olivia for his model and Liz doesn't seem too fussed about it. He tells Liz that Olivia and Roger broke up and he's hoping to distract her from her heartbreak. Liz gets really upset about this teenage break up and tells herself that she and Jeffrey are different and they'll never break up.
Pretty sure she said the same thing about Todd.
Also, way to make everything about you, Liz.
We hop over to Jess. She shows her slam book to Liz. Jeffrey and Olivia are listed under “Couple of the Future”. Liz acts like it doesn't bother her but later she starts to freak out. Especially when she finds out that Jeffrey and Olivia are in multiple slam books under the same category. Liz decides she needs to talk to Jeffrey about it to “make sure he was as bothered by it as she was” because, in Liz's mind, her reaction is the only valid reaction. God help Jeffrey if he has his own feelings about it.
Suddenly it's Friday. Jess is getting ready to cheer at the basketball game and she's nervous because it will be the first time AJ has seen her cheer. During the game, Jess keeps staring at AJ which makes her mess up a bunch. The other cheerleaders notice and tease her about liking him. Jess is pissed because they are making her feelings sound trivial and they are SUPER deep, y'all.
Meanwhile, Liz and Jeffrey are in the stands watching the game. Why did I think Jeffrey played basketball? I know Todd did but I swear Jeffrey played as well. Because he was on the team when Aaron was losing it, right?
Okay, I was wrong. That was soccer. I guess Jeffrey doesn't play basketball.
Anyway, Liz tells Jeffrey about the slam book entry and he laughs it off. Liz is resentful because she wants Jeffrey to reassure her that he loves her and not Olivia but he just changes the subject. He asks her if she wants to go to the Dairi Burger after the game with their friends. She doesn't because she wants to spend time alone with him but she doesn't bother to speak up. She just agrees to go and then internally pouts about it.
We skip ahead to the Dairi Burger after the game. AJ is there and Jess is all flustered. She decides she's madly in love with him despite the fact she's said less than two sentences to him in her entire life. Someone pulls out a slam book and now under the future couple heading are Liz and AJ's names. She laughs and he says it's flattering. Both Jeffrey and Jess are horrified. Clearly they both think Liz might act on it which should be a clue to Jeffrey that he doesn't trust her all that much.
Which he shouldn't.
She's not trustworthy.
We skip to Saturday morning. Liz goes to VileAlice for advice about how to handle her feelings about Jeffrey and Olivia. VileAlice tells her that jealousy is a normal human emotion but she should trust her partner anyway.
Jess comes down and angrily accuses Liz of flirting with AJ. Liz denies it and asks if Jess is interested in him. For some reason, Jess lies and says 'no'.
Jeffrey calls to tell Liz he'll be late for their beach date. He's going to the canyon with “Liv” to take photos for his photo essay. Liz is annoyed by the nickname. She asks how late he'll be and he promises to be there by 2:00.
At 2:15 the doorbell rings but it's Cara. She seems super uncomfortable and tells Liz that she was at a dentist appointment (on a Saturday??????) and she saw Jeffrey and Olivia embracing in his car. Liz immediately decides that Jeffrey is in love with Olivia and he's over Liz.
WHAT???
Liz decides she isn't waiting around for a cheater so she goes to the beach with Cara and Jess. As soon as she gets there, she starts telling everyone that Olivia and Jeffrey have fallen in love. It's so fucking ridiculous. She hasn't even talked to him yet and Cara is known for spreading misinformation. I seriously cannot with this girl.
Lila, of all people, tells Liz that she should talk to Jeffrey before she jumps to conclusions. If Lila is acting more rational and mature than you, you've done fucked up. Liz says she's not going to beg Jeffrey to love her and their relationship is over. It's so irrational that it's comical.
Liz sees AJ in the distance and decides that it will make her feel better if she goes to flirt with him. She hasn't even told Jeffrey that they're broken up yet. I swear if Pascal ever tries to tell me again that Liz is rational and loyal, I'm going to scream.
Liz's version of flirting is painful to read so I'm not going to subject you to it. It's clear she thinks she's some kind of irresistible femme fatale. She starts touching AJ without his permission and then demands he buy her a hot dog. It's not even a euphemism. She just demands he spend his money to feed her. He seems confused but takes her to the concession stand.
Jess is observing all of this and she's completely crushed. She vows that she'll never talk to Liz again if Liz ends up dating AJ. To be fair, Liz doesn't know Jess likes AJ because she lied about it.
She does know she's cheating on Jeffrey though.
Jeffrey and Olivia show up just before 4:00. He says neither of them had a watch and they just lost track of time. They apologize but Liz gives them the cold shoulder. Jeffrey asks if they can go somewhere private to talk but Liz tells him that she's going windsurfing with AJ. She stomps off leaving him hurt and confused.
Lila explains that Cara saw the two of them embracing and told Liz. Olivia says she had something in her eye and Jeffrey was just trying to help her get it out.
I swear that's the excuse everyone gives.
Jeffrey is upset that Liz jumped to conclusions and that she's using AJ to get back at him. Here's where he should realize that Liz is too immature to be in a committed relationship and he needs to walk away.
But he won't.
Because everyone must worship the Wakefields. It's in the Sweet Valley bylaws.
Lila offers to go talk to Liz and explain everything. Which is super weird. Lila hates Liz. Why does she want to help Liz and Jeffrey fix things? It makes no sense. Jeffrey says it's probably not going to work and he's not wrong. Liz doesn't exactly respect Lila's take on things so I'm not sure why Lila expects this to work. Shouldn't Jess go? Or Cara? Whatever. Lila makes a bet that she can smooth things over. If she's wrong, she'll take Jeffrey to an expensive French restaurant.
Ooooooh.
That's what she's up to. She's trying to get Jeffrey. That makes so much more sense.
No one else sees it, though, and Lila skips off to talk to Liz. They watch from a distance but they obviously can't hear what Lila is saying. All they see is Liz shaking her head 'no' in response. Lila comes back and says Liz isn't ready to talk yet. She offers to take Jeffrey out that night. Jeffrey says he's supposed to go to a movie with Liz but Lila replies that Liz has plans with AJ. Jess is emotionally damaged.
That evening, Olivia goes to the Wakefield Compound to talk to Liz. Liz is out with AJ so Olivia ends up talking to a depressed Jess instead. Olivia says they need to find out who voted for her and Jeffrey under future couple in the slam books because that person is probably trying to break up Liz and Jeffrey.
It's so fucking clear what's going on here.
We skip to Sunday evening. Liz tells Jess that she and Jeffrey just got too serious and they need to date other people. Jess agrees because she's been fucking saying that for ten books.
We immediately skip to Monday morning. These jumps are getting ridiculous and clearly they've rattled Liz too because she suddenly decides that she and Jeffrey are the perfect couple and their relationship is just fine.
Liz goes up to Jeffrey before school and asks him if they can talk over lunch. He tells her that he has to work on the photo layout over lunch. Liz starts shrieking 'what about me?' like she's the wronged party here. YOU CHEATED ON HIM, BITCH! He says he can talk after school. She accuses him of prioritizing Olivia over her. She stomps away thinking that there's nothing to stop her from going after AJ now. Um......maybe the fact you still have a boyfriend should stop you, Liz. Neither of you have actually ended this relationship.
I hate her.
We hop over to AJ who is telling Aaron that Liz's aggression is scaring him. Liz comes up and immediately starts hanging all over AJ again. Pascal keeps using the word “silkily” to describe how she talks to him and I actually hate it. She asks him on a date and he tells her he's too busy and then he takes off like Satan is nipping at his heels.
I mean.......
Liz and Satan do share some similarities.
Back to Jess. She and Olivia are still trying to figure out who might want to break up Liz and Jeffrey.
They see Lila walking with Jeffrey and finally something starts to click in that one brain cell they're sharing. They decide to hatch a plan to collect all the slam books because they figure the person who wrote Olivia and Jeffrey's name together wouldn't have written it in their own book. It's a stupid assumption but it's going to turn out to be right because Pascal can't figure out a more logical way to reveal Lila is up to something. Jess is going to pretend to be Liz and ask everyone for their slam book so she can write an article for the Oracle. It's a very stupid plan but on par with all the plans these people have come up with.
AJ comes up to Jess and asks if he can get to know her better. He says he likes shy girls because he wants to be the one doing the chasing.
Jess agrees with him and says it's awful when girls chase guys. AJ goes on and on about how sweet and gentle she is. Jess soaks it all up because no one ever says nice things about her. Not even Pascal.
We go back to the stupid plan. Sure enough, Lila was too dumb to write Olivia and Jeffrey in her own slam book. They immediately run to Liz with the “proof”. Everyone acts like Liz needs to forgive Jeffrey but she's the one who fucked up here. He was just late for a date.
Liz decides to make a fake slam book. It's dumb. Here.
Most Sorry - Elizabeth Wakefield
Most Eager to Make Up - Elizabeth Wakefield
Feeling Like the Biggest Jerk - Elizabeth Wakefield
Jumped to the Most Ridiculous Conclusions - Elizabeth Wakefield
Most in Love With Her Boyfriend - Elizabeth Wakefield
Most Willing to Talk About What She Did Wrong and Why - Elizabeth Wakefield
Most Likely to Be Waiting For You When You Get Out of the Lab - Elizabeth Wakefield
Yeah I wouldn't forgive her.
She knocks on the door of the lab where Jeffrey is attending a chemistry tutoring session and asks the tutor to give him the note.
He forgives her because he's an idiot.
Oh, and he probably signed that contract swearing to worship the Wakefields for all time.
Jeffrey ends up apologizing for not being more considerate of her feelings which is absolute bullshit. He was late one time. That he should be sorry for. Nothing else. Liz laughs when she tells him about cheating on him with AJ. It was just silly goofy stuff. Nothing to get mad about.
I HATE HER.
Later Liz and Jess catch up. Jess finally admits that she's in love with AJ. She says AJ likes her sweet, gentle side and hates aggressive flirtatious girls. Liz is confused because Jess is usually the things AJ hates. Jess says she's changed. Liz says it's important to be yourself with your boyfriend. Jess doesn't listen. I don't blame her. Liz is right in this case but I would never follow her love advice ever.
We skip to the next school day. Olivia says they're having a little party at the school to introduce the literary magazine and to hopefully drum up interest in it. Our main players show up. Liz apologizes to AJ for being so aggressive with him. He forgives her because of course he does. Jess is playing her role of submissive girlfriend for all she's worth. She mentions that she's going to write a children's story and AJ beams at her.
Oh, and Questionable Mr Collins is there so I guess he got out of the dungeon. Pity.
We skip to another day. Olivia and Liz add “Class Sneak” to a few of the slam books and write in Lila's name.
They really thought they did something there.
Later, Jess asks Liz for some book recs. She wants AJ to think she's a reader. Liz gives her a poetry anthology which I'm sure won't be boring at all. Liz asks Jess why she skipped cheer practice and Jess says that AJ doesn't like cheerleaders. So I guess we're going down the route of Jess changing everything about herself for a boy again. I'm pretty sure we've done this at least three times. It's enough, Pascal. Stop writing the same book over and over.
The book ends there. This was such a ridiculous storyline. I can't believe Liz cheated on Jeffrey and then just acted like it was for the lolz. Why can't anyone admit how awful she is?
Coming up Next: Jess changes herself for a boy. AGAIN.
