**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
From the Back of the Book: Deck the halls of Sweet Valley High... The Wakefield twins and their friends at Sweet Valley High are in festive spirits. It's Christmas vacation, the annual parade is just days away, secret Santas are busy buying surprise gifts, and everyone's talking about the holiday dance at the Patman's mansion. Jessica Wakefield is determined to be named Miss Christmastime, and Elizabeth is counting the days until she's reunited with her faraway boyfriend, Todd Wilkins. It seems nothing can spoil Jessica and Elizabeth's holiday – until Mr and Mrs Wakefield announce the arrival of an unwelcome houseguest. Now it looks as though this Christmas might be the worst ever!
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. The last Super Edition didn't really exist within the SV universe so I'm not sure if this one will or not. The fact that it acknowledges that Todd has moved is promising but I have no idea if anything that happens in this book will acknowledged in future books. I guess we'll just have to see.
In the last book, Jess tried to meet Winston's movie producer uncle but that fell through. Liz briefly fell for a Todd lookalike before deciding that only the real one would do. Steven grappled with his grief regarding Tricia's death and had trouble moving on with Cara. Betsy was a bitch as usual and VileAlice said something so unforgivable to Jess that I still haven't gotten over it.
Missing, Presumed Dead: Robin and George are still missing. I'm pretty sure the search and rescue mission has been changed to search and recovery by now. DeeDee is never once seen or mentioned in the entirely of this overlong book and Patty who was a figment of Pascal's imagination once has disappeared into the ether forever.
Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: Bill was finally released. I have no idea how he made it out of there or why he left DeeDee behind but he was spotted several times in this book.
We begin in English class on the day before Christmas break. John (the sports editor) is doing a little light flirting with Liz but she doesn't seem to notice. She's excited and nervous because Todd is going to be visiting SV for a couple of weeks and they finally get to spend time together. The mildly creepy Mr Collins rocks up and asks Liz to help him hand out the Secret Santa assignments. The kids are supposed to gift their Secret Santas for the next week and then reveal themselves at the Christmas dance which Bruce is hosting at his mansion this year. John tries to get her to cheat the two of them together and then Jess tries to get her to cheat so she can be paired with Hans, the new German exchange student she's trying to date. Liz refuses to cheat, though. She ends up drawing Aaron's name (and for the life of me, I have no idea who he is) and Jess ends up getting Bruce.
After school, the twins find Steven at home. He says that Suzanne Devlin is going to be spending two weeks with them while her parents are out of town for Christmas. The twins are dismayed because Suzanne caused all kinds of trouble the last time she was in SV. She stole Liz's necklace, lied to everyone and then accused mildly creepy Mr Collins of assault when he rejected her illegal advances. Steven says that maybe EvilNed and VileAlice just don't understand how fucked up this is and maybe they'll change their minds if they talk to them.
Odds EvilNed and VileAlice will give a single fuck about their kids' concerns: 0%
So I guess we're going to call the Suzanne situation the A-plot, the secret santa/dance situation the B-plot and the Miss Christmastime contest that Jess wants to win the C-plot. I hope that's all we're going to have.
The kids talk to EvilNed and VileAlice over dinner and, as I predicted, they don't care that Suzanne will make everyone else extremely uncomfortable. VileAlice says that Suzanne has changed and wants to come to SV to make amends with everyone. She can't possibly say 'no' because everyone is welcome at the Wakefield Compound at any time no matter what horrible thing they might have done to one of the children or a respected member of the community.
Whether or not they get to leave the Wakefield compound is another story entirely. Poor DeeDee.
Jess comes up with a plan to discourage Suzanne from coming. She thinks if Liz calls her and tells her that everyone in SV hates her, Suzanne will change her mind. Liz calls but doesn't really get a word in edgewise as Suzanne gushes about how excited she is to spend time in SV again and how much she wants to make it up to everyone for all the horrible things she did. Liz half-heartedly tries to say that they'll all be very busy and no one will have time to spend with her but Suzanne isn't deterred. Jess decides that they'll just have to gang up and make Suzanne miserable the entire time she's there and maybe she'll want to go home early.
We skip to the next day. Steven and Liz are hanging out over pancakes discussing Christmas presents. Liz has no idea what to get Todd because she isn't sure where their relationship stands. Steven reassures her that she'll figure it out and then Jess appears wearing an elf costume. She says that someone from that sorority I forgot she belonged to goes every year to help Santa pass out presents at the mall. Cara was supposed to go this year but she got a cold so Jess volunteered. I'm not sure why. Dressing up in weird clothes and putting green paint all over her face doesn't seem like something she'd do. She says that she has to be at the civic center by 2:30 for the C-plot.
Odds she has to show up for Miss Christmastime dressed as an elf: 50%
Odds she misses the Miss Christmastime pageant entirely: 50%
As Jess is leaving for the mall, she finds a present on the porch to remind her there's a B-plot. Steven and Liz urge her to open it right away. It's a pretty little wooden music box. Jess is convinced that Hans is her secret santa but Liz knows it isn't. After he drew his name, he asked Liz who the person was and it wasn't Jess. She can't say anything, though, so she lets Jess go off thinking it's Hans.
Sure enough, Jess finds out at 2:15 that she has to stay until 5:00. Furious, she calls Cara who doesn't have a cold after all. Cara tells her that Lila asked her to pull this prank on Jess but Cara didn't know it would mean she would miss the Miss Christmastime pageant. Jess knows Lila did it so she could win and she vows revenge.
This is the last we see of the C-plot. I can't believe it was just tossed out the window so soon.
After they finish up, Santa thanks Jess. She's upset that she missed out on her chance to be in the Christmas parade on a float. Santa invites her to dress as an elf and ride on his float and she agrees, thinking she can use this to get back at Lila. She figures before the parade she can steal Lila's dress and crown and leave the elf costume in their place. Jess will wear the crown and ride on the Miss Christmastime float and Lila will have no choice but to be the elf on Santa's float.
This sounds like the dumbest plan ever planned.
Back at home, VileAlice arrives on the scene and tells Jess that she has to bunk with Liz the next two weeks because Suzanne will be staying in Jess's room. Of course Jess is the one who has to give up her room. Liz would never be expected to do such a thing. VileAlice orders Jess to clean her room to get it ready and Jess hatches another plan with Liz. They're going to put burned-out bulbs in all the lamps and short sheet the bed, etc, so that Suzanne has a terrible time.
Has anyone ever actually short sheeted a bed? I hear about this all the time in books but I've never actually heard of anyone doing it in real life. What does it even mean?
So I did some research. Apparently it's when you fold the top sheet over so it basically looks like a top sheet and a bottom sheet. Because of the fold, there's no room for a person's legs so they can't actually get into the bed. It's honestly dumb but on par with the level of intelligence the Wakefield twins exhibit on a regular basis.
Later the twins go to the Dairi Burger to meet up with a bunch of people from SVH. They break the news about Suzanne and no one is happy to hear it. Suddenly the entire swim team in their swim trunks led by BILL appears. Bill finally made it out of the dungeon, y'all! Anyway, Olivia's secret santa arranged for them to serenade her so they sing five Christmas carols to her right there in front of everyone. It's hilarious and I give bonus points to Olivia's secret santa for the creative idea.
The only other thing of note is that Enid is dating a new boy named Chip. I don't know if he'll become a recurring character or if we'll never hear from him again. Even odds I guess.
We land in VileAlice's head and I'm not happy about it. She's gone to the airport to pick up Suzanne and she's kind of annoyed that none of her offspring volunteered to come with her. You'd think by now she'd have a fucking clue. We get some hints that all might not be well with Suzanne. VileAlice tells us that she's pale from the medication and she's lost a lot of weight. She's quieter and more polite than she was the last time and VileAlice immediately decides that's she's 100% reformed. Jeez, it doesn't take much to impress that woman. She warns Suzanne that not everyone is happy about this visit and Suzanne might have a tough time making amends. Tears fill Suzanne's eyes and she says she has to try. She's already apologized to mildly creepy Mr Collins and he's accepted so she just hopes everyone else will too.
We're back with the twins now. When Suzanne arrives, they pretend to be bored and give her the cold shoulder. Liz starts feeling remorseful almost immediately and even Steven starts to feel bad by the time dinner's over. Everyone's noted how frail Suzanne looks and how sweet she's acting. Jess is still convinced it's an act but the others aren't so sure. Liz remembers that she was fooled by Suzanne once before but she still thinks that maybe the girl has changed. Steven definitely bows out of the plan, saying he's willing to give Suzanne a chance. Liz is a little more ambiguous. She can see both sides of the coin but she really doesn't want to focus any energy on figuring it out because Todd is coming the next day and she's nervous/excited.
Todd calls Liz later that night to let her know when his flight is coming in. Ken is picking him up because that's who he's staying with while he's in town. Liz lets him know that Suzanne is in town and then we briefly hop into Todd's head. Apparently a few months back he ran into Suzanne while on a skiing trip with his friend. They spent a few hours talking and Todd almost kissed her more than once. He found himself wildly attracted to her but figured it would be okay since he wasn't likely to ever see her again. Now that she's in SV, he wonders if there will be trouble.
The next day Suzanne tries to apologize to Liz but she really doesn't want to hear it. She just doesn't think she can forgive Suzanne for the accusations she made against mildly creepy Mr Collins. Suzanne tries to excuse things by saying she was having a hard time with her parents at the time and she was acting out but Liz doesn't let her off the hook. I'm kind of glad actually. Having a hard time at home is no excuse for falsely accusing a man of sexual assault.
Jess comes in and Suzanne also tries to apologize to her. In case you don't remember – because Pascal barely does – Jessica actually WAS groped and tossed around by Suzanne's boyfriend. Jess gives her a few barbed comments but gets interrupted by the B-plot when daisies are delivered from her secret santa. She's still convinced it's Hans even though we know it isn't.
Later, Jess tells Liz that she took a quick snoop through Suzanne's things and found a bunch of pill bottles. She didn't recognize any of the names but figures Suzanne is doing drugs. They both think that might be what's behind Suzanne's weight loss. Jess says they have to keep up the icy treatment so Suzanne will want to leave. Jess wants her gone before the dance at the end of the week.
Todd arrives and as soon as Suzanne sees him, she bursts into tears and runs from the room, dropping Jess's flowers on the floor and breaking the vase. Liz and Jess scramble to clean it up and Liz gets her pants all wet. She goes upstairs to change just as Suzanne comes down again. Todd asks to speak to her privately and then tells her that Liz doesn't know they met skiing and he wants to keep it that way. Jess overhears and thinks the two of them are secretly seeing each other.
Jess immediately goes to Winston and Aaron who I keep forgetting exists. She tells them that Suzanne is saying awful things about them and about SV (even though she isn't) and asks them to be Suzanne's evil secret santas. They agree because of course they do. When's the last time anyone told a Wakefield 'no'?
💀💀THE ANSWER IS NEVER.💀💀
We skip to the next day. Liz tells us that Todd seems to be avoiding spending time alone with her. They spent part of yesterday with Winston, part of it with Ken and the entire evening with their friends. She isn't sure what's going on but it's making her nervous.
The mail comes and there's a red envelope for Suzanne. Inside is a note made up of cut-out letters from a magazine telling Suzanne to leave town. Suzanne is really upset and Liz feels so bad for her that she lets Suzanne apologize to her. Again, Suzanne blames her previous behavior on being ignored at home but she says that's changed now so she's a good person. This is bullshit but I'm sure Pascal believes it's valid. Liz forgives her because of course she does. She even asks Jess to give Suzanne a chance but Jess thinks that Suzanne is after Todd so she refuses to back down.
I am roughly 64% done with this book and so far all that's happened is Todd met Suzanne and didn't tell Liz, Suzanne is probably sick and....I guess Jess got tricked out of Miss Christmastime. That's like two chapters worth of content. The rest has been absolute filler. This is miserable. This book is just long for super edition sake.
Jess comes up with a convoluted plan. Suzanne wants to have lunch with Aaron to apologize to him for whatever she did to him in the original book she was in. Aaron isn't keen to go but Jess encourages him to pretend like he's willing to hear her out. She wants him to ask Suzanne to a fake pre-party before the Christmas party at Bruce's house. Right before the fake party he's to call Suzanne and say he has a flat tire and ask her to meet him at a fake address. Only he won't be there. They're basically sending her on a wild goose chase so she'll be late to Bruce's party and she'll realize that no one wants her around. Jess suggests an old, abandoned house for the fake address but Aaron balks. It's out in the middle of nowhere and he doesn't like the idea of sending a girl there alone at night. Jess talks him into it though because NO ONE SAYS NO TO THE WAKEFIELDS💀💀.
By Wednesday, Liz has clued into the fact that Suzanne might be seriously ill. She tells her concerns to Jess who dismisses them at first but the more Jess thinks about it, she realizes Liz might be right. Suzanne might be in SV to make amends before she dies or something. Jess starts to feel guilty and decides she should probably call off the evil santas and the party plan. Before she can, though, the phone rings and she and Suzanne pick up at the same time. Jess stays silent on the line when she realizes it's Todd because she wants to hear what they say to each other. Todd apologizes for being so awkward around her and they both talk about how much fun they had spending time together at the ski resort. Jess becomes convinced that Suzanne actually came to SV to meet up with Todd and decides not to call anything off after all.
Well, that was a lot of paragraphs that went absolutely nowhere. We ended up right back where we started. This is ridiculous.
Liz meets up with Enid and tells her that she thinks the “spark” is gone with Todd. She feels like they're just friends now but she isn't sure how to bring it up with him. She's convinced he'll fall to his knees and wail for her not to leave him because she can't even imagine a reality where he's fallen out of love with her too.
Liz really is the worst.
We barrel ahead to Friday. Suzanne has received some new medication but it didn't come with any instructions which is just BULLSHIT. That would NEVER happen. She takes one and then has some champagne with Todd, Steven and the twins before the big Christmas party. Aaron calls right on schedule and tells her that his tire is flat and he's going to have to meet her at the party. He gives her an address and encourages her to borrow one of the Wakefield vehicles.
Wait.
I just realized every single one of those people has been drinking champagne. Why are any of them going to drive? C'mon, Pascal.
Suzanne asks to borrow a car and Liz gives her the keys to the Fiat since they can ride with either Steven or Todd. Despite the fact that Suzanne is a very inexperienced driver who has had some champagne and popped some unidentified pills, they just let her go. Not long after she leaves, her doctor calls. EvilNed takes the call and finds out that the pills Suzanne has been prescribed are very strong and she absolutely cannot drink while on them. It could kill her.
#BULLSHIT Not the part about not mixing them with alcohol because that's a very real thing with some medications but the part where that information wasn't on the fucking bottle. I took medication in the 80's and warning labels were definitely in use back then. They were all over my prescriptions.
Jess fesses up and the race is on to save Suzanne. She's already having issues and ends up rolling the Fiat. She's taken to the hospital. EvilNed finally tells everyone that Suzanne is undergoing treatment for MS. Todd is shocked. In that moment he realizes that he cares deeply about Suzanne – you know because they spent ONE WHOLE afternoon together weeks ago and have had no other contact since. He decides to tell her how she feels if she survives and then maybe he'll clue Liz in on the fact that he doesn't love her anymore.
They're all awful. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.
Everyone compares notes at the hospital. Todd screams at Jess that everything is her fault. Jess screams at Todd for cheating on Liz. Liz is devastated that Todd actually likes someone else even though she doesn't love him anymore. She wanted him to pine for her forever and ever. Suzanne is concussed but stable and her parents are called. The kids decide to go to Bruce's party after all so they can tell everyone that Suzanne has changed even though they have very little proof of that. Apparently in this universe you can't be sick AND a bad person.
At the party, Liz and Todd talk. They decide to just be friends and have one last dance together. Jess finds out her secret santa is Winston and not Hans. They tell everyone that Suzanne is amazing and encourage everyone to be extra special nice to her now. It's really gross to be honest. They only reason they're doing it is because they think she's sick.
Jess's plan to make Lila dress as the elf comes off without a hitch because of course it does. And Suzanne finds out that she never had MS at all. She had complications of mono. Because those are two things that specialists get mixed up.
Pascal is so fucking ridiculous. I can't with her.
The book ends there. I don't know if it will have any impact on our regular series. I guess we'll find out.
I'm still pissed about that Miss Christmastime thing by the way. Why even put that in there if you weren't going to give it any attention? Why makes us read about Jess being an elf when it didn't fucking matter really? Why didn't Liz get any secret santa gifts? Who was her secret santa? Did she ever give Aaron anything or did she forget he exists too? Pascal put ZERO effort into any of the sub-plots and absolutely NOTHING HAPPENED in the main plot. This book was just a big, steaming pile of NOTHING.
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