**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
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From the Back of the Book: Bon Voyage...Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are nearly bursting with excitement. Spring Break has arrived, and the twins are off to the glamorous South of France! It's the vacation of a lifetime: Elizabeth can't wait to practice her French, but Jessica's dying to meet those romantic French boys. The Riviera turns out to be even more beautiful and wondrous than the twins had imagined, with its beach clubs, magnificent mansions, and the glittering Mediterranean Sea. But while the Frenchwoman with whom Jessica and Elizabeth are staying is a welcome hostess, her handsome son, Rene, is arrogant and rude. Can the twins figure out why Rene seems to despise them, or will he spoil their dream vacation?
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1986 and this is my first time reading it. I'm reading the actual paper version so the ghostwriter isn't credited, but I'm going to assume it's our old pal Kate William. She seems to have written the others. The cover is kind of dumb looking but typical for this series.
In the last book, Suzanne tried to change Ken while Jessica planned a picnic and Liz.....well, Liz was there. Ken was failing English and about to be kicked off the football team so he stole a short story from Liz and turned it in as his own. When it was discovered, there were absolutely no consequences and the entire school treated him like a hero.
Missing, Presumed Dead: Winston, Bruce and Regina are nowhere to be seen during our brief visits to Sweet Valley. George, DeeDee, Bill and Patty resume their dungeon stay as well. Maybe being down there is just so much better than living in SV that they don't want to leave.
Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: EvilNed and Steven make their escape. Unfortunately. Robin also makes a very brief appearance later in the book. I was 😮STUNNED😮. She's been gone for ages.
{{{Note: This is another Super Edition so I'm not expecting it to fit into the timeline at all. These really seem to exist in a separate universe.}}}
We begin with the twins already on the plane. This trip was organized by Miss Dalton as part of a student exchange for spring break. I kind of forgot Miss Dalton existed. The last time we saw her was in that summer special edition I think. Ghostie uses this lull in action to describe the twins to us – nauseatingly perfect in every physical way possible. Today Liz is described as “open, honest and loyal” when she is NONE OF THOSE THINGS. C'mon Pascal and Co. We read these books. The number of times Liz has betrayed a boyfriend or a friend means loyal and honest are completely out of the running and she keeps a fucking secret in every single book meaning open doesn't work either. Jess gets “dazzling, popular and loads of fun” along with “very, very devious” which is better than she usually gets. #justiceforJess
The twins are going to stay with a woman named Avery and her son Rene in Cannes. They've sent ahead a picture so the twins will recognize them at the airport and Liz tells us that Rene's “tightly fitting jeans were unmistakably French”. What the fuck does that even mean? Rene's little sister Ferney will be staying at the Wakefield Compound in exchange. Poor girl. I hope she makes it out of there alive.
Liz thinks that Rene is hot but she isn't sure she's ready to date again. Apparently that's the only obstacle to them living happily ever after because Liz can't imagine a world in which a guy doesn't want to date her. Jess is definitely hoping to find some kind of French fling while they're away. She says that Lila is lucky because she's going to stay with some rich family in Paris or something. I guess they're the only three participating in the exchange program? They never mention anyone else. Liz is a little sad that Enid had to stay home and work instead of getting to come along but it sounds like she would have been in a different city even if she had been able to sign up for the program.
They arrive after a really long flight and are met by Avery and Rene. Rene seems annoyed immediately which is a perfectly reasonable response to meeting the Wakefield twins. Avery speaks pretty good English due to living in the states for awhile when she was younger. Rene also conveniently speaks English. Jess is relieved which prompts him to go on a rant about how Americans always expect everyone to speak English when they travel to new countries. He's not wrong but Liz goes all “not all Americans” on him which just makes her look entitled and ignorant.
I mean......she is though.
Liz is indignant at his attitude. Jess is pissed. Avery is embarrassed.
On the way to the house, Avery and Rene fight in French. Liz can only make out the words “my father” spoken disdainfully by Rene so she figures he has daddy issues of some kind. They eventually stop bickering and Avery apologizes.
After lunch, the twins nap off their jet lag. When they wake up later that evening, Jess wants to go explore the house but Liz wants to watch the sun set over the Mediterranean from their balcony. Jess goes off alone. The first room she comes to is clearly Rene's but she doesn't bother to give him any privacy. She starts snooping through his stuff and finds a photo cube that contains pictures of his family. He's ripped out his dad but it's his sister that draws her attention. She looks just like Tricia.
Sigh.
We can all see where this is going I'm sure.
Odds that Steven will become completely enamored with Ferney: 99.99%
Sure enough, the moment Steven sees Ferney, he thinks Tricia has been sent back to him.
Double sigh.
I already can't even with this book and we're on the second chapter.
Ferney speaks very little English so she can't burst Steven's bubble about being her own fucking person. He asks her favorite school subject and she manages to convey to him through a little drawing of test tubes that it's Science. That's all he needs to know. Tricia loved Science and wanted to be a researcher. He decides it's fate and begins to pretend that Ferney is Tricia. He's “powerfully attracted” to this very underage girl and figures Cara will understand because she knows “a small part of him would always belong to Tricia”.
You know what?
Fuck you, Steven. Underage Ferney is not Tricia and you don't just get to have an affair with her because she resembles your dead girlfriend.
PLUS SHE'S UNDERAGE AND YOU'RE A FUCKING LEGAL ADULT!
Poor Cara.
Steven gets real fucking creepy real fast, eyeing Underage Ferney's “trim figure” and suggesting they go swimming so he can see her in a bikini.
{{{SHUDDER}}}
Also......
Cara calls the Wakefield Compound but Steven refuses to come to the phone. He's too busy trying to oogle Underage Ferney to talk to his actual girlfriend.
It's the next morning. Avery is a home health nurse and can't take time off so she asks Rene to show the twins around town. He nopes right the fuck out of that. Can't blame him. Liz suggests they take a jog around the neighborhood to at least enjoy the weather and Jess reluctantly agrees. After about 12 blocks, Jess decides the jogging life isn't for her and she leaves Liz to head back to the house. As she's walking, a sports car whizzes by her and parks in the driveway of a very large house. A boy gets out so Jess waves to him. He waves back and then comes over. His name is Marc and he also conveniently speaks English.
Wait.
Google says 28-39% of France speaks English – mostly around Paris but also in the resort/hotel areas of Cannes. I guess it's possible but it sure seems like a lot of people are speaking English here. Ferney is from here and she doesn't even speak it.
Jess laments to Marc that she hasn't seen much of Cannes yet and he immediately invites her to go to his private beach club that afternoon. She counters the offer and says now is better. She'll go home and change and then meet him back at his house in an hour. He agrees because no one can say 'no' to a Wakefield. It's in the bylaws.
Jess makes sure we know she isn't attracted to him because he's shorter than her and “funny looking”. Liz gets home as Jess is getting ready to leave. She feels a little disappointed that Jess if off to explore and she's stuck in the house. She finds a travel guide in the library and makes a list of all the places she'd like to see (museums, art galleries, the beach etc). She hears Avery and Rene come in arguing. Avery is upset that Rene didn't show the twins around. Rene says that Americans are selfish and he hates them all on principle.
We land in EvilNed and VileAlice's head for a very brief paragraph or two. They are worried about Steven and Underage Ferney. She's making flirty eyes at him despite the fact that they can't communicate at all and he keeps blowing off Cara to be with her. They briefly wonder if they should intervene but decide not to mess up their record of neglectful parenting and decide to do nothing.
What was the point of that, ghostie?
Now I need a shower to wash off the ick from being in their heads.
Rene gives in to his mother and takes Liz on a tour of sorts. He basically just drives around really fast while grumbling about how much he hates being around her. Same, bro. She asks him to take her to the beach but he refuses. He says he doesn't swim anymore and Liz demands to know why despite the fact that he's a total stranger and he doesn't owe her any explanation.
Rene apparently didn't read the clause in the contract which spells out his inability to say 'no' to a Wakefield so he just fucking refuses to answer her nosy questions.
#teamRene
Rene eventually takes her to a cafe where he meets up with a couple of friends named Georges and Edouard. They seem nice and try to include her in their conversation but Rene steamrolls it every time, making sure she feels left out. I know we're supposed to feel sorry for her but I'm kind of enjoying this. It's about time someone didn't prostrate themselves at her feet.
#teamRene4ever
Based on limited information, Liz decides that Rene hates Americans because his father was American and he abandoned the family. Naturally she's going to turn out to be right because Pascal can't let Liz be wrong, but it's still an annoying assumption about people she doesn't really know.
After a disastrous day out with Rene who makes fun of her the entire time they're together, Liz decides to go for a walk in a nearby orchard. I have no idea who it belongs to or if she should even be there but since when does a Wakefield have to worry about trespassing laws? They do what they want, when they want. While she's wandering around, Liz encounters a German Shepard puppy. There's no one around but she's wearing a tag that says “Nykki, Villa de Willenich”. Liz finds some kids playing outside and asks them how to get to the Villa.
The villa belongs to a Countess and she's super grateful to get Nykki back. She also speaks English which....whatever. I don't have the energy anymore. She invites Liz in and they spend the afternoon together. When Liz leaves, the Countess invites her back for tea the next day.
We briefly catch up with Jess who spent the day on a topless beach. She pretends to Liz that she had fun but in reality she was surrounded by middle-aged people all day. Apparently teenagers don't hang around on that club beach.
So underage Jess went topless around a bunch of middle-aged men? C'mon, ghostie. This is too much.
We skip to the next day. When Liz goes to tea, she meets the Countess' grandson Jean-Claude. He's basically her age and pretty cute but doesn't speak much English so she has to actually use her French. It's about damn time. JC offers to take Liz on a real tour of Cannes. She happily accepts because he's charming, handsome and rich. Liz is more like Jess than Pascal wants to admit.
They have a good time and JC offers to take her to the public beach the next day. Liz mentions that she asked Rene to take her but he refused. JC says that Rene used to be a champion swimmer but he hasn't gone in the water since his best friend drowned. Rene had been swimming with him at the time and was unable to save him. Liz feels a prick of sympathy but it's clouded by how Rene's been treating her.
We land in Enid's head for a few paragraphs. She runs into the diner to get a Sprite before her babysitting job and finds Cara sitting in a booth, crying into her ice cream. She tells Enid that Steven won't return her calls and he's spending all his time with Underage Ferney. Enid tells her not to give up on Steven which is the exact opposite of the advice she should be giving. Cara deserves better. This isn't even the first time Steven's done this to her.
#saveCara
Now we're with the twins. Jess jealous that Liz met someone like JC while she's been stuck with boring, nerdy Marc for days. She wants to bail on Marc for the day to go to the public beach with Liz and JC but Liz insists that she can't disappoint Marc because it's more important to be polite than to be happy.
Jess leaves with Marc. The phone rings and there's no one left in the house, so Liz answers. It's Avery looking for Rene. Liz says he isn't home and asks if she can help. Avery is with a client who needs a medication picked up from the pharmacy but can't be left alone. Liz volunteers to take care of it. She has a feeling that she won't make it back in time to meet JC so she leaves a note on the door for him explaining that she'll be back as soon as possible.
Odds Jess is going to find that note somehow and then pretend to be Liz: 89%
We hop over to Jess. She's bored on the old people beach with Marc. She decides to fake a headache so he'll take her home. She figures she can meet up with Liz and JC after all and spend the rest of the day with them. Marc will never know since he doesn't hang out on the public beach.
Jess gets home and finds the note. She intends to tell JC that Liz will be back soon but when he arrives, he calls her beautiful and he's really cute so she just decides to go with and pretend to be Liz.
It takes Liz forever to get the prescription and then the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam on the way home. When she finally arrives, the note is gone but there's no sign of JC. She figures he got tired of waiting and went off without her. She's bummed.
Back with Jess. JC notices that her French isn't as good today as it was yesterday but she plays it off and says she has good days and bad days. He tells her that he finds her more attractive today because her spirit is livelier.
Even JC knows Jess is superior.
Liz and Rene have a LONG, boring, repetitive fight over his assumptions about her and American girls in general. I DON'T CARE, PASCAL! Liz throws his dad in his face because she's just that awful. She has the nerve to say she knows how he feels. He points out that her parents are still very much married so she really doesn't. She insists she does because she's that much of a bitch. Liz truly believes that she's so empathetic that she can relate to the emotions and feelings of everyone. I laugh. If she was truly empathetic, she never would have brought up his dad in the first place.
I'm getting dizzy.
We're back with Cara now. She's meeting Maria (who I don't remember at all) and Robin for pizza. OMG, Y'ALL! Robin finally made it out of the dungeon!!!!!!
When Cara walks into the restaurant, she sees Steven and Underage Ferney at one of the tables. He gives her a guilty look and asks if she wants to join them. She just walks out.
Back with Jess who is having dinner with JC. They make out a bit and she tells us that she's already falling in love with him despite the fact they just met a few hours ago and he doesn't even know her name. He says he enjoyed her company more than yesterday because Jess > Liz always. They make plans to play tennis the next day and Jess says she'll meet him at the villa because she doesn't want him coming to the house and running into Liz. They make out some more and then he takes her home.
Jess decides not to tell Liz about taking her place because she doesn't want to ruin her little love story.
Liz spends the next day wandering around Cannes alone. She has a good time because Liz's favorite person has always been herself. When she gets home, she finds air mail from Boston addressed to Rene. She takes it to him and he throws it away without reading it. Liz chastises him like she has the fucking right. She insists that he open it because his father deserves a chance to tell his side of the story.
Fuck.
You.
In particular.
Seriously.
She knows nothing about the situation. She knows nothing about Rene or his father. Maybe his father doesn't deserve a chance to tell his side of the story. Maybe Rene's already heard it. Maybe Liz should mind her own fucking business.
Liz accuses Rene of being childish She's bullying him into doing something he doesn't want to do when Jess breezes in to get a snack. She mentions that she's been swimming and then makes fun of Rene for being afraid of the water. I guess she considers this revenge for all the awful things he's said about American girls but it hurts my heart. It hurts Rene's too.
Back with Steven. Fuck me. He asks a friend who is a French major to come stay for a few days so he can translate for Underage Ferney. When he actually learns more about Underage Ferney, he's disappointed because she's nothing like Tricia after all. He instantly regrets getting someone to help them communicate because it's fucking up his illusion.
I hate Steven.
Pathologically.
Back with Liz very briefly. Avery apologizes for Rene's behavior. They talk about his father. Married too early...blah blah....not ready for the responsibility...blah blah.....grew up into a lovely person and wants a relationship with his kids...blah blah. I seriously don't care.
Back with Steven. Through the translator, he comes to the conclusion that Underage Ferney is “silly” and “young”. Yes, Steven. SHE'S YOUNGER THAN YOUR FUCKING SISTERS. You should not be checking her out in her bikini!
He decides he wants Cara back again.
She should 200% kick him in the balls.
Back with Liz. Marc shows up at the house and asks for Jess. Liz is confused because she assumed Jess was with him. Marc is disappointed. He has tickets to an art exhibit and hoped Jess would go with him. Liz jumps at the chance to see an exhibit. Rene sees them leaving and assumes Liz is being shady and trying to steal Jess' boyfriend.
We land very briefly with Jess. She and JC have been out sailing and falling madly in love when a storm blows up.
Odds Rene will have to overcome his fear of the ocean in order to save Jess' ass: 90%
Back with Liz. She enjoys the exhibit even if she has no attraction to Marc. Liz is every bit as superficial as Jess despite what Pascal wants us to believe. Jess isn't home when she gets back. She doesn't panic for several hours but eventually gets herself worked up pretty good. Rene gets home and says his friends saw Jess and JC sailing earlier. Liz is worried they might have gotten caught out in the storm so she calls the Countess to get their general location.
Liz explains everything to Rene and asks for a ride to the marina or dock or whatever. He agrees but he only has the moped available. Liz is scared to get on it because of her accident back in one of the early books. It's the only option, so she swallows her fear and gets on.
We land with Steven for some damn reason. He apologizes to Cara and professes his love. She should totally kick him in the balls but she forgives him.
Sigh.
Liz and Rene make it to the beach in the exact right location to see JC and Jess struggling to get the boat to shore. The boat gets capsized by the waves and Jess hits her head on the mast or something. Liz jumps in to save her but she's not a strong enough swimmer. Rene appears beside her and he tows Jess into shore while Liz assists JC. Everyone is fine of course.
JC is surprised to see Liz because neither of them told him that they have a twin. She doesn't want to ruin anything for her sister so she introduces herself as Jess. Luckily Rene doesn't call them out on it, though he totally should.
JC drives the girls home while Rene rides the moped back alone. Jess immediately starts getting ready to go out to dinner with JC over Liz's protests. Jess justifies pretending to be Liz by saying that Liz obviously didn't care about JC anyway so it's hurting nobody. Liz tells Jess that she called the Countess and it's going to look strange when JC says he was out with Liz on the boat all day. Jess is dismayed that her lie is unraveling.
Eventually Jess leaves and then Rene rocks up. Liz thanks him for overcoming his fear to save Jess and he apologizes for being a jerk. They decide to call a truce and plan to spend the next afternoon together.
Poor Rene. He almost made it out of this book without being sucked into the Wakefield web.
The book skips to later that night when Jess comes in from her date. She tells Liz that she came clean to JC and he didn't care because he's madly in love with her. The twins catch up on their day and then the book just oddly ends there.
That was abrupt.
Odds JC will ever get mentioned again: 10%
I've decided that Steven Wakefield is my mortal enemy. I will shoot him on sight from now on.
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