**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
From the Back of the Book: Do opposites attract...Bruce Patman and Regina Morrow in love? No one at Sweet Valley High can believe it. Regina is beautiful and shy, one of the nicest girls in school. Bruce is a real snob and the only person he's ever cared about is himself. Jessica Wakefield figures the romance can't last. She knows Bruce too well. She's even willing to bet Lila Fowler that Bruce and Regina break up within two weeks. The stakes are high and Jessica can't afford to lose. If she has her way, Regina and Bruce won't be together for long.
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. I have no idea who that is on the cover but it definitely isn't Bruce. They really should be more consistent with the cover models.
#fuckcontinuity
In the last book, Caroline continued to fake love letters from a very fake “Adam” until she got caught. It ended okay for her though. Liz wrote a play for a competition and, of course, won. The twins found out that Alice had received a job offer and made it their mission to convince her to keep the family in Sweet Valley. Oddly enough, Steven didn't appear during any of this and was never once mentioned. I guess I need to start my “Missing, Presumed Dead” section again. And Bruce started showing an interest in Regina who was never told about the time he sexually assaulted Liz or all the times he sexually harassed Jess.
Missing, Presumed Dead: Steven must still be chained up in the Wakefield dungeon. At least he has company because Ned wasn't mentioned once in this book either.
Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: Winston, Enid and Ken all celebrated their release by joining a carnival committee. To each their own, I guess. Nicholas also made an appearance after not having been mentioned since book 14 or so.
We get hit with our B-plot almost immediately in this book. Just pages into the first chapter, Liz mentions that she's in charge of the carnival committee. The “carnival” is really just a couple of tents with a few games to raise money for “handicapped children”. It's scheduled in 12 days and Liz doesn't really know what she's doing yet. She asks Jess for suggestions but Jess is too worried about her term paper to help. On the way to school, the twins pass the A-plot. Neither of them can figure out what Regina sees in Bruce, though Liz does give him credit for acting more like a human being than usual around her.
Chapter two gives us the release of two prisoners from the Wakefield Dungeon. Winston who was only mentioned in passing in the last book, and Enid who wasn't mentioned at all both show up to be part of the B-plot. I hope they waved to Steven on their way out of the dungeon. Todd, Liz, Winston, Enid, Olivia and Roger sit around the lunch table and talk about how they should talk about the carnival. They don't though. They're too busy watching our A-plot to do any real work.
We hop in Jess's head during lunch. She and Lila are also watching the A-plot from across the room. Lila is pissy because she still hates Regina from that magazine thing two books ago. Jess is pissy because Bruce never gave her half the attention he's giving Regina. He spends all his time with her and looks like he actually cares about her. Jess thinks it will last two weeks tops. Lila asks if she wants to bet and our C-plot emerges. I think this is the fastest Pascal has ever introduced the first three plots. Anyway, if Bruce and Regina aren't broken up by carnival, Jess has to write Lila's term paper. If they are broken up, Lila has to write Jess's. To be honest, I'd never put my term paper in anyone else's hands. Yeah, they suck to write, but I'd never trust anyone else to do a good job. Especially not Lila. Jess isn't being very smart. Even if she wins, Lila could turn in a crap paper and Jess would be screwed.
Odds that Lila turns in a crap term paper for Jess: 99.9%
Chapter three gives us our D-plot. Pascal really just jammed these in here this time. Lila's dad summons her to his office after school but he's not ready when she gets there, so she has to sit outside and wait. A lot next door or across the street or something is under construction and she notices one of the workers is young and hot. He approaches and introduces himself as Jack. Based on the previous pattern of these books, where the D-plot becomes the A-plot of the next book, I'm guessing Lila/Jack will be the focus of book #19. Lila tries to impress Jack by mentioning that her dad owns the building she's parked in front of but he doesn't seem to care much. He goes back to work and she's all kinds of intrigued.
We hop back into Liz's head to touch base with the B-plot. She's at the carnival committee meeting and I'm shocked to see that Ken has made a reappearance. That poor guy has been locked up in the Wakefield Dungeon so long that I've been considering taking him out of the intro cast list. He's on the committee now with fellow dungeon survivors Enid and Winston. Todd, Roger and Olivia make up the rest of the non-Liz members but I think we already figured that out. At the beginning of the meeting, Regina comes in and Mr Collins announces that her mother is the parent advisor for the committee. Olivia is going to be in charge of decorations and prizes because she's an artist. Ken and some friends are going to build the booths. Enid and Regina are going to take care of refreshments. Todd and Roger are going to figure out the games. Winston is going to be the MC and Liz is going to boss everyone around. Big surprise there. It's what she does best.
Somehow we get an E-plot. Sigh. Have we ever made it to an E-plot before? Ken is running for president of some stupid committee that I really don't care about. He's running unopposed at the moment, but Liz thinks that someone will join the race because the position is so important. Todd bets her a hot fudge sundae that no one else enters and Ken wins. Hopefully this won't amount to much. We've spent so much time on all these stupid side plots that we've barely even discussed the A-plot at all.
As if Pascal is reading my mind, we finally get back to the A-plot. Regina is eating dinner with Bruce's family and Mrs Patman is being really idiotic. When she talks to Regina, she talks super loud as if volume is Regina's issue. Bruce keeps telling her to speak normally because Regina can read lips but Mrs Patman doesn't seem to understand what she's doing wrong. It's awkward for everyone. Mrs Patman seems pretty jealous that Regina's mom was asked to the parent advisor and not her and she gets even more jealous when she hears that Lila's dad is donating all the wood for the booths. She immediately says she'll call Regina's mom and see what the Patmans can donate.
After dinner, Bruce and Regina go outside to watch the sun set over the valley. Somehow even though it's dark and they're sitting side-by-side, Regina can read Bruce's lips perfectly. Come to think of it, she could also read Mrs Patman's lips perfectly even though she was looking at Bruce instead. I'm not sure Pascal knows how lip reading works. Bruce tells Regina he loves her and she's giddy. He's the first boy who has ever even touched her and he was her first kiss. She tells him she loves him too and vows not to let anyone ever separate them. Which is weird because no one is talking about separating them. Except Jess, of course.
We hop into Regina's dad's head now. I feel like an intruder. We've never been in his head before. I hope we can find our way around. Regina's mom tells him that Mrs Patman has called and is offering to match all the money they make at the carnival. Mr Morrow thinks this is an amazing thing but Mrs Morrow thinks it's performative. It definitely is but Mr Morrow reminds her that money is money and the organization will be thankful for it no matter what the intentions of the giver were. Mrs Morrow seems overwhelmed with the idea of being the parent advisor and goes upstairs to rest with a headache. We then get a HUGE info dump. Mr Morrow thinks about how carefree his wife used to be. She was a model and continued to work after their son Nicholas was born. When she got pregnant with Regina, she decided to do one last photo shoot and then retire. It was a swimsuit shoot and she had a bit of a bump so her agent asked her to take diet pills to reduce her weight. Against the advice of literally everyone, she decided to take the pills. The pills caused the damaged to Regina's ears that resulted in her deafness. Mrs Morrow feels responsible and gets guilt headaches all the time.
I'm not sure how scientific any of this is but okay.
Regina comes home after her date and finds her family in the living room with glasses of champagne. Everyone looks so happy and she asks them what is going on. They tell her that she's been accepted into an experimental treatment program with a doctor in Switzerland. He's had amazing success in restoring hearing in cases like Regina's but it will take a year and she'll have to live at the clinic full time. They expect her to be excited at the chance that she could regain full hearing but she's devastated. She doesn't want to leave Bruce so she tells them that she doesn't want to have the treatment.
I know, I know. We can all see what a stupid decision this is but I think I would have made the same one at 16 years old. If I had a boyfriend back then that I felt like I was madly in love with, I wouldn't have wanted to leave him for a year either. We all make stupid decisions at 16. It's part of growing up.
Bruce picks Regina up the next morning and drives her to school. Despite the fact that he's facing forward the entire time as he drives, she somehow is able to read his lips from beside him. Pascal. When people lip read, they also look at things like teeth and tongue position to help them understand what's being said. You can't see these things from the side. There's no way she's understanding him this accurately in these conditions. Being with Bruce just convinces Regina that going to Switzerland would be the worst thing ever.
We leave our A-plot for our B-plot now. Liz goes to the Morrow house to talk to Mrs Morrow. She finds her disheveled and tear-streaked. Mrs Morrow explains the entire Switzerland thing to Liz and asks her to talk to Regina. Liz says she will but she she doesn't because she feels awkward about interfering in such an important matter.
Since when?
After school the next day, our E-plot comes back to bite us. Ken comes up to Jess who is waiting for Cara so they can go swimsuit shopping. He's upset because Bruce has decided to run against him for president of that thing I don't care about. I guess Liz owes Todd a hot fudge sundae. Jess tries to reassure him that he's more popular than Bruce and sure to win but Ken points out that Bruce has risen in public opinion since he's been dating Regina. Jess wonders if she can use this to her advantage for the C-plot. She figures she can tell Regina that Bruce only started dating her to raise his public image enough that he could win the election. It does sound like something Bruce might do.
We go back to our B-plot. Jess infiltrates the committee to suggest a mother/daughter fashion show. I don't know what she's up to and which plot it's going to tie into but......okay.
We get back to the A-plot. Regina arrives home to find that they have a visitor for the weekend. His name is Donald and he was cured by the procedure her parents want her to have. The two of talk a bunch and Regina admits that she'd like to have the procedure done but she can't go to Switzerland for a year. Donald lets the subject drop.
We skip to the next day. Jess goes to Regina's house to ask if she and her mom will take part in the mother/daughter fashion show. Regina is sure that her mom will refuse but Mrs Morrow surprises her by being into the idea. After Mrs Morrow goes back inside, Jess plants the seed that Bruce is only dating Regina to repair his reputation for the E-plot. Regina dismisses it but a small prickle of doubt forms in her mind. On her way out, Jess runs into Donald who falls instantly in love with her because he's clearly understood his assignment as a minor character in this series. She flirts with him for a bit and then drives away.
The next day, Regina goes on a picnic with Bruce. She tries to subtly introduce the topic of the election but Bruce never takes the bait. Finally she just asks him about it point blank. Bruce still tries to avoid the topic which makes her extremely suspicious. We don't need to be suspicious, however, because Pascal gives us a brief hop into Bruce's head where he find out that he's pretty sure he's going to lose and he doesn't want Regina to see him as a loser, so he decided not to tell her he's running. He plans to only tell her if he wins and keep it from her if he loses.
THIS MAKES NO SENSE! The student body votes in this fucking election. Regina would see his name on the ballot. There's no way he could have kept it from her. Fucking hell, Pascal. You can't even try to make it make sense.
Regina is furious because she's decided from this minuscule of information that Jess is correct. She tells Bruce that she never wants to talk to him again. He's incredibly confused because he has no idea what's going on. His ego is stung, though, and he tells her that breaking up is fine with him even though it isn't.
He hop to Liz and Todd arriving at the Morrow house. They're supposed to be meeting about the carnival but none of the Morrows are there. Donald answers the door and thinks Liz is Jess. He starts flirting with her and alluding to the fact that she was flirting with him earlier. Todd goes rabid. Liz is confused and tries to tell Todd she's never seen Donald before in her life. Todd refuses to believe her and stomps off. Liz can't figure out what happened.
THIS ALSO MAKES NO SENSE. Liz is a fucking IDENTICAL TWIN. People mistake her for her sister ALL THE FUCKING TIME. As soon as Donald started acting like he knew her, she would immediately assume that he met Jess. Plus she knew Jess went to the Morrow house at some point to talk to them about the fashion show.
By the way, Todd is fucking toxic and shouldn't be anyone's boyfriend.
Monday morning Regina asks to talk to Liz alone. She tells her that she won't be able to do the fashion show on Saturday because she's leaving Friday morning for Switzerland. Liz is thrilled that Regina has decided to try the treatment. She asks about Bruce and Regina tells her that Bruce was only dating her to win the election. It sounds like something Bruce would definitely do so Liz believes it immediately. She wishes Regina luck with the procedure and they both talk about how much they'll miss each other.
After school, Liz finally talks with Jess and figures out the entire Donald situation. I mean, Liz must be hella fucking dumb not to have figured it out before that point. Todd hasn't spoken to her in days but she figures she can just call and explain everything and go back to how it was before. Like I said, hella fucking dumb. You shouldn't want to date a person who acts like that, Liz. Technically no one should date her either. She's just as toxic in different ways.
Jess goes to rub Lila's nose in the fact that she lost the bet for the C-plot. She's feeling pretty smug until Lila tells her that she's going to go track down Jack after school instead of going to the library. Finally it seems to sink in that Lila might not give her term paper the attention it needs. Jess begins to internally panic. I can't believe it took her this long to see the problem with the C-plot.
Everyone is hella fucking dumb.
Bruce approaches Liz and asks her if she knows why Regina broke up with him. He still really doesn't have a clue. Liz tells him about the rumor that made Regina upset and Bruce is appalled. He jumps up, resolving to go explain everything to Regina right away but Liz stops him. She tells him about Switzerland and how Regina was going to turn down the treatment because she didn't want to leave him. That hits Bruce pretty hard. He says he doesn't want Regina to leave town thinking he never loved her but he doesn't want her to turn down treatment either. Liz is stunned when he starts to cry.
I refuse to feel bad for Bruce. His personality will go back to normal as soon as the plot changes.
Bruce decides to write a letter to Regina explaining everything but he wants to make sure she doesn't read it until after she's in Switzerland because he loves her enough to want her to get the treatments. He asks Liz to sneak it in her suitcase or something so Regina won't find it until she gets there. Liz agrees and ends up tucking it into a scrapbook that Regina plans to take with her.
The day of the E-plot, Liz campaigns hard for Bruce. She tells all her friends what happened and gets them to agree to vote for him too. I feel bad for Ken who seems to be an okay person most of the time. Why should he lose to a douche like Bruce just because Pascal decided to give him ONE redeeming plotline?
The plots start wrapping up super quickly. Regina reads Bruce's letter on the plane and falls back in love with him instantly so the A-plot concludes. The carnival is a raging success and raises $800 so the B-plot concludes. Lila writes Jess's term paper and Jess gets a 'D' so the C-plot concludes. Bruce beats Ken in the election so the E-plot concludes. I'm not even joking when I tell you that these all wrap up in a few paragraphs. Pascal ended them at the same speed she introduced them. I think I have whiplash.
The book ends with Lila going back to her father's office to try to track down Jack. She hasn't managed to find him since that first time but he's there today. She lies and says she's there to talk to her dad about going to the Riviera for the summer and Jack tells her that he once sailed off the south of France. Lila takes this to mean that he's secretly rich and he has some romantic reason for working construction right now. She figures he'll reveal everything to her as soon as he falls in love with her. She's already in love with him.
SHE'S TALKED TO HIM TWO TIMES FOR LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES EACH. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIS AGE OR HIS LAST NAME! I'm so fucking done with Pascal. Luckily I'm also done with this book because that wrapped up the D-plot until it becomes the A-plot for the next book.
Odds that Jack is secretly rich: 5%
Odds that Jack is a douche: 90%
Coming Up Next: Lila and Jack I guess.
If Pascal gives me FIVE FUCKING PLOTS again, I swear............
No comments:
Post a Comment