Jealous Lies (SVH #30) by Francine Pascal and Kate William

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Someone doesn't want Jean in Pi Beta Alpha – her best friend Sandra.

From the Back of the Book: Backstabber... It's pledge season for Pi Beta Alpha, and everyone in the exclusive Sweet Valley High sorority expects Sandra Bacon to nominate her best friend, Jean West. But Sandra's tired of always hearing about Jean's perfect figure, terrific grades and fantastic cheerleading. The sorority is the only thing Sandra has that Jean doesn't, and even though Jean is her best friend, Sandra wants to keep Pi Beta Alpha for herself. When Sandra unwillingly becomes Jean's pledge sponsor, she's determined to do everything she can to insure Jean doesn't make it through pledge period. But how far can Sandra go and still remain friends with Jean?

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1986 and this is my first time reading it. I know I don't like any of these books but I'm really expecting to hate this one based on the description. Sandra sounds awful. As for the cover.....I'm not even going to lie.....eleven-year-old me probably would have killed for that pink satin jacket. I desperately wanted a satin jacket back then but the closest I got was a free nylon windbreaker that my dad got at work.

In the last canon book, Liz's middle-school BFF came back to SV and caused all kinds of problems between Liz and Enid. Amy ended up better suited to be Jess' BFF, though, and joined the cheerleading squad. In the last actual book, the twins and Lila went to Malibu for the summer to work as mother's helpers. Liz fell for a guy she thought was in his early 20's (he was actually a teenaged rock star on the run) and Jess saved a little girl that Liz had severely neglected all summer. I don't expect any of that to ever be brought up again.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Bruce and Regina are still underground keeping George company.  Patty and Lynne who only existed for one book and then were never seen again are still maintaining their invisibility.

Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: I think Guy made it out. I think the band was at the dance so he must have been there.

We begin with VileAlice telling her sweet little twinsies over breakfast that the B-plot....ahem....I mean, Steven is coming home for a week and she wants to do something special for him. I'm surprised she even remembers she has children. Jess figures Steven will be spending all his time with Cara so she isn't sure why they should bother but Liz promises to think of something fun.

Kate William, our standard ghostie, uses this conversation to do her usual “the twins are so identical but SOOOO different spiel”. Today, Liz is described as “careful, thoughtful, honest, dependable and earnest” which are all damn lies. Jess is described as “impetuous, social and craving excitement” which is fairly accurate and much nicer than usual. How does William continue to get Liz so fucking wrong? It's like she doesn't even read what she writes.

William also takes the time to remind us about the sorority that the twins are part of: Pi Beta Alpha. Jess takes membership very seriously, throwing herself into every activity and meeting while Liz barely attends and doesn't care about it at all. Liz feels above it all which isn't surprising. Jess reminds Liz that they have a meeting that day to nominate new members and Liz says she'll be there but she's leaving early to go to the beach with Enid. Sounds super dependable, careful, thoughtful and earnest to me.

Jess tells Liz that she's going to nominate Amy which makes Liz happy. VileAlice gives the girls a lecture about not hurting anyone's feelings and that makes Liz remember the time the PBA girls blackballed poor Robin. I hated that book so I'm not going to reminisce with Liz.

We skip to the meeting and land in the head of Sandra. The meeting is being held at Lila's house and she's in awe of how big it is. Sandra feels out of place there and tells us how average she is in every aspect of her life. She hits us dead in the face with the A-plot, telling us how tired she is of being in Jean's shadow. Jean is her best friend – more of a sister really – and spectacular in every single way. She's beautiful and sylish, a great cheerleader, a good student and a fabulous cook. Everyone remembers Jean and no one remembers Sandra.

Sandra compares herself to Jean constantly and feels inferior. The only thing that Sandra has over Jean is that she's a member of PBA and Jean isn't. Sandra is determined to keep it that way. She doesn't want Jean invading the sorority and stealing all the attention. The only problem is, all the girls know how much Jean wants to join and Sandra knows it will look bad if she doesn't nominate her.

Nominations start. Jess nominates Amy and Cara seconds her. Seeing no way to save face if she doesn't nominate Jean, Sandra does so. Several girls second Jean. We don't really hear any others. As the person who nominated Jean, it's Sandra's job to be her “sponsor” and to tell her about all the events going on during the pledge process. Sandra's plan is to sabotage Jean during the pledge process to ensure that she doesn't get in.

(((Note from future me: I don't know what this pledge process entails because we only see one official event and one official pledge task.  I don't know if William forgot to write about it or if she just didn't have the imagination to come up with more pledge events.)))

We end up back with Liz a few days later. She's watching Winston make “lovegrams” which are paper airplanes with messages inside that he throws at girls in the cafeteria. Liz finds it charming. She mentions that she wants to plan a surprise party for Steven and asks the people at the table if they can come. Sandra is eating with them and she accepts the invitation. Liz tells her to invite Jean and that prompts Winston to tell a story about Tom being pissed at Jean because she gave him the cold shoulder earlier in the day.

(((Note from future me: William made such a big deal about the lovegrams that I thought they were going to be important later.  They weren't.  Not only are they never mentioned again but neither is Winston.  I have no idea why she put this in here.)))

We slide into Sandra's head in the middle of the chapter which always pisses me off. She's intrigued by the tea about Tom being pissed at Jean. One of the pledge assignments is to get a particular date to go with you to a PBA party. The sponsor gets to pick the guy and the pledge has to secure the date. Sandra was hoping to assign Jean an “impossible” date so that she'd fail the first task and be knocked out of the running. With this information, she figures she can assign Tom to Jean.

Sandra immediately goes over to Lila and tells her that she wants to assign Jean the task of getting Tom to go to the party. Lila balks. She knows Tom might refuse and she really wants Jean to get into PBA. The last girl Tom dated was Jess (in a subplot I've completely forgotten I guess) and he hasn't seemed interested in anyone since. Sandra insists that it will all work out fine and Lila gives in.

Sandra is satisfied with herself. She truly believes that keeping Jean out of PBA is the only way to save their friendship.

When Jean finds out about her assignment, she's dismayed. She asks Lila for advice and Lila tells her to go to Tom's tennis match later that day and praise him on his skills. Sandra is pissed.

We're with Jess and the B-plot now, much to my relief. I can't fucking stand Sandra. Cara is upset and Jess prods her until she spills the tea. Steven's roommate has decided to quit college to work on a cruise ship and he's convinced Steven to join him. Cara is in tears thinking she'll never see Steven again. You know, because once he sails away he'll be gone forever. She makes Jess promise not to tell anyone because EvilNed and VileAlice are going to be mega pissed when Steven drops out.

Steven's an idiot, y'all.  I hate it that he's our B-plot for the book.  We're going to end up spending way too much time with him.

We're back with Sandra and the A-plot unfortunately. She, Lila and Jean go to watch Tom's match. When he's done playing, the girls call him over so Jean can blow smoke up his ass about how well he played. He sits with them and soon he's warmed up to Jean's flattery. Lila mentions that Jean has been wanting tennis lessons in a very obvious move to hook them up and Tom immediately offers to give her some pointers.

Tom is apparently dense as a post.

Jean asks Tom to Cara's party as she's been assigned to do. To Sandra's dismay, he agrees to go. Now she has to think of another way to sabotage Jean. She decides to try to get Tom to stand her up so she'll look bad in front of everyone and fail her assignment. Two birds, one stone kind of thing.

I really hate Sandra.

We skip to Friday night (the night before the party). Sandra and Jean are hanging out together and Jean is nervous. She thinks things have been going a little too well for her lately. Apparently she got $100 from her dad and an A on her history exam and things have been going well between her and Tom. Sandra is livid but tries not to show it. She listens to Jean jabber on excitedly about PBA and her date, all the while thinking about how she can keep Jean from getting in. She's a bitch.

I never thought I'd be so grateful for the Wakefields and this asinine B-plot. They're hanging out on the back patio with Steven when he tells them that he plans to drop out in order to work on a cruise ship with his roommate. He says that he's sick of studying already and wants some real life experience. VileAlice and EvilNed aren't fans of the plan. EvilNed tries the tactic of “you can't get a good job without specialized training” which falls on deaf ears since Steven plans to work on the ship. He tells his parents that everything's decided and they can't stop him because he's an adult. With that mic drop, he walks back into the house.

Liz says they should try reverse psychology on Steven to get him to abandon his plan. She says they should throw him a Bon Voyage party and pretend to be 100% behind the idea. She figures Steven is just trying a little rebellion to push their buttons and he'll back off if he sees it's not working. Her parents think she's a genius even though it's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. It's like they think Steven is just dropping out to spite them or something. It makes no sense.

This has to be the dumbest B-plot we've ever had. Then again, I tend to block out the subplots so there's probably been dumber.

Damn it all to hell.

Saturday morning, Sandra goes to ambush Tom at work. She lets it slip that Jean only asked Tom to the party because it was a pledge assignment. She takes off and then we slip into Tom's head in the middle of the chapter because William is intent on infuriating me.

Tom is pissed. He's had a crush on Jean for ages and now he knows she's just using him to get into PBA. He feels betrayed and doesn't want to be made a fool of in front of the sorority.

It's still not a new chapter but now we're in Liz's head for the B-plot. I'm not going to protest. Anything to get me away from Sandra.

Holy fucking hell. William just made me glad to be in Liz's head. Pigs are flying, y'all.

Liz asks Steven if she can have his computer since he's going to be on the cruise ship for the foreseeable future. He hesitates and says he worked hard for that computer and doesn't want to just give it away. She reminds him that he won't have any use for it on the ship. Steven says he'll think about it. He's in a bad mood because he found out he'll be responsible for his own medical insurance if he leaves school. He seems suspicious that everyone is taking this so well but Liz says they all just figured they couldn't really stop him.

We hop into Jean's head. I hope it's nicer here than in Sandra's. She's really looking forward to her date with Tom. Despite thinking he's a little lame, she finds him easy to talk to and they've had some good conversations on the phone in the last few days. She's also suddenly attracted to him despite not being attracted to him at all a couple chapters ago. This can happen. Sometimes when you talk to someone, they get hotter in your eyes (or the opposite) but I'm inclined to believe that William just forgot she told us that Jean wasn't into him.

Tom doesn't show up to take her to dinner before the party. Jean is mildly concerned but figures he'll be there soon. The more time passes, the more she worries. If she doesn't get Tom to the party, she probably won't get into PBA. The sorority itself isn't too important to her but she wants to get in so she can spend more time with Sandra. She's felt like they're drifting apart lately and she thinks that they'll get closer if they're in the same group.

It's ironic because Sandra thinks they'll break up if they're in the same group.

I like how Jean is exclusively worried about being late to the party and failing her assignment but not worried that Tom could be dead in a ditch somewhere or tied up in the Wakefield dungeon.

Tom finally calls Jean an hour and a half after he was supposed to be there. He says that he wasn't feeling well after work and accidentally fell asleep. He tells her he's getting ready to leave and encourages her to eat something at home because they won't have time to go out for dinner. She's cool with that. It means they'll be a little late for the party but she figures the girls won't mind.

Forty-five minutes later, Tom calls again. He said he was on his way to her house but he started feeling sicker so he went to the ER instead. He has food poisoning and he's not going to be able to make it. She's crushed and offers to drive to the ER to keep him company. He tells her to go ahead to the party without him because he doesn't feel like seeing anyone.

Jean shows up without a date to the party, therefore failing her first pledge task. She's the only one who didn't manage to get their date there. When they ask, she tells them that Tom ended up at the hospital with food poisoning. Everyone seems willing to accept that this wasn't her fault, but Sandra says they really need to check the story out in the interest of fairness. Everyone is shocked that she's casting doubt on Jean but they agree that they need to confirm the story.

Jean calls the hospital, and this is back before HIPAA, so the receptionist cheerfully tells her that no one by Tom's name has been treated. Now everyone knows he lied to her and stood her up. Jean cries and asks if her chances of getting into PBA are ruined. Cara says they'll come up with a make-up task for her so she'll still be in the running. Jean proposes that she get revenge on Tom as her task. There's a dance the following Friday and she says she'll make Tom think she's into him and then dance with someone else instead.

The girls think it's the best thing they've ever heard and accept that as Jean's make-up task.

This is hella dumb, y'all.

Sandra protests that they are making allowances for Jean that they'd never make for anyone else. Again, everyone is shocked that she's protesting. Jean feels betrayed and instantly gets pissed off. The other members of SBA overrule Sandra and Jean's stupid revenge task stands.

Jean “explodes” on Sandra and accuses her of being disloyal. She tells Sandra to stay out of her life and stomps away.

We hop back into the B-plot and spend our time bouncing around several heads because William is nothing if not a lazy writer. Cara is sticking to the Wakefield reverse psychology plan and pretending that she's happy for Steven. She tells him that she's glad he has this amazing opportunity and she understands why he felt he had to seize it. But....she isn't interested in a long distance relationship – especially one where communication will be so difficult. Steven expects to be gone for 9 months at a time and Cara isn't interested in sitting around and waiting to see him maybe twice a year. She tells Steven that she wants to make a clean break with him before he leaves. Steve is “horrified” that she's going to break up with him and thinks she's selfish for not wanting a relationship with a partner who is never around. He storms out and she worries that their plan might not work after all.

It's a Wakefield plan, Cara.  They always work even when they're dumb and improbable.

Back with the A-plot and now we're bouncing between Jean and Tom. Jean is “deeply wounded” by Sandra's behavior at the party and resolves not to speak to her until she apologizes. Instead of dwelling on her failing friendship, she decides to put her revenge plot into action. The first step is to make Tom think she believed his excuse for missing the party, so she makes up a care package with tea and magazines and heads to his house. When he answers the door, she tells him that he should be in bed resting. He tells her he's feeling much better but she makes him lay down on the couch and then fusses over him for an hour or so.

Tom is deeply touched that she brought him a care package and seemed to really care that he'd been “sick”. He apologizes for ruining her night but she tells him that it wasn't his fault. He can't believe she's not mad at him. He decides she clearly cares about him after all and Sandra must have been wrong in her assessment about the situation.

Back with the B-plot and Steven. He bitches to Jess about Cara not giving a damn about him. Jess points out that Cara probably thinks the same thing about him. After all, Steven decided to take a job where he'd be away from her 90% of the time without ever talking to her about it beforehand. Steven never thought of it that way because he's a self-absorbed dick. He's starting to have second thoughts about his plan.

I would say I'm having second thoughts about this book, but let's be honest, I knew it was going to be a shit show just from reading the description.

Back with the A-plot and a Sandra/Jean head combo. William isn't even trying to keep us in the same head for a scene anymore. She just flits around like a damn gnat. Sandra approaches Jean on Monday morning to apologize for her behavior Saturday night. She says that she's been getting a lot of pressure to keep things fair with the pledge season. It's not true but Jean believes it. Sandra says she only protested Jean's assignment because she didn't want to be accused of favoritism again and she's been in “total hysterics” all weekend over the state of their friendship. Jean forgives her and acknowledges that Sandra needs to treat her like everyone else during the pledge period. Sandra is happy to have Jean back and decides that she won't do anything else to keep Jean out of PBA.

How are we only 62% done with this book? This is excruciating.

Tom finds Jean at lunch and invites her outside where he's prepared a romantic little picnic on the lawn. Jean disdainfully thinks that the picnic is lame and he's “nuts” if he thinks it's cute.

Yes, folks, Jean is awful too.

Sigh.

William flits around between Tom's head and Jean's head now. Jean has a good time with Tom despite how lame she thinks his picnic is. Tom is completely smitten with Jean because he has no idea how awful she is. He asks her if she wants to spend time together after school and she agrees.

After school Tom takes Jean to an amusement park. She's internally disdainful about this too but pretends to be happy to be there. She's too good for amusement parks and picnics and Tom better get his act together if he wants to date her. They end up kissing on the Ferris Wheel and Jean decides that she doesn't really want to get revenge on Tom anymore.

I'm getting whiplash from this girl. She thinks he's lame and his date ideas are beneath her but she's also smitten and wants to be with him for real. I hate it here.

When she gets home, Jean calls Sandra to tell her that she has real feelings for poor Tom. It presents a conundrum though. If she doesn't humiliate Tom in front of the entire school at the dance, she won't get into PBA. Sandra feels awful for creating this situation but doesn't come clean. Jean decides that the sorority really doesn't mean that much to her. She was only joining to spend more time with Sandra anyway. She decides to choose Tom over PBA.

The next day, Jean and Tom are hanging out in his backyard. He confesses that he never had food poisoning and that he stood Jean up on purpose. He tells her about Sandra tipping him off about the sorority assignment and Jean using him for admittance. Jean is crushed that Sandra is clearly trying to keep her out of the sorority that she doesn't care about joining. She cries in Tom's arms.

This would have been the perfect opportunity for her to tell him that she was planning this big revenge mission but she doesn't. She figures it doesn't matter anymore since she decided not to do it. I don't know – if Jess or Lila tell him, he's going to be upset. It would be better for her to get ahead of that.

Then again, she probably doesn't need to worry about it.  William's plotting isn't that complex.

Now we're bouncing around the Wakefields to check in with the B-plot. We start with Liz. She runs into Sandra and stops to be judgmental about Jean. Liz has heard about the revenge plot and comments to Sandra that she really thought Jean was better than that. Sandra immediately gets upset and says that none of this is Jean's fault. She runs off leaving Liz mystified in her wake.

Then we bounce toward Steven's empty head. He asks his parents what they truly think of his plan to go to sea. They say they just want him to be happy. He asks what he should do and they say he has to make his own decisions. For some reason, this pisses him off. He calls Cara to ask if she wants him to stay and she says she wants him to pursue his dreams. This also pisses him off.

Poor Steven.  Everyone in his life is so supportive of his ability to choose his own fate. (Or at least pretending to be.)

It's dance night and we spend this section bouncing around between everyone involved in the A-plot. It's super sloppy writing but we're almost done with this abomination of a book so let's just push through.

Tom comes to pick up Jean with a dozen red roses. He tells her that he feels like the luckiest guy in the world to be going to the dance with her. If only he knew how lame she thinks all his date ideas are. She feels guilty about the revenge plot even though she's not going to do it.

Before the first dance, Jess and Lila check in with Jean to make sure the plan is going ahead. She tells them it is even though it isn't. I don't know why. When the time comes, Jean chooses Tom and the PBA girls are furious. They think she chickened out and therefore she isn't PBA material. Sandra rushes to defend her. She says that she interfered with Jean's pledge process and it's her fault Jean failed the first task. When Lila asks why, Sandra admits that she's jealous of Jean and PBA was the only thing Sandra had that Jean didn't. Sandra begs them to let Jean in.

Jean overhears the entire things somehow despite the fact she's supposed to be doing the big dance with Tom. Jean throws her arms around Sandra and forgives her for the entire book. The girls decide to let Jean in PBA even though she completed exactly ZERO of the pledge tasks. Jean and Tom dance and decide they're in love after one and a half dates. Sounds about right.

William sneaks in her C-plot by introducing a new boy to SVH. Y'all, Jeffrey French has finally entered the chat. Liz and Enid see him across the room and Enid is instantly smitten.

Wait.

Didn't she fall in love with that guy that Amy wanted in the last book? Someone from her old camp or something? What the hell happened to him? I'd add him to the missing list but I don't even remember his name.

I don't think Enid does either.

The next night they throw Steven's Bon Voyage party. It pisses him off. He thinks everyone can't wait to get rid of him, so just to spite them, he announces he's staying.

Mature.

The Wakefields take total credit for their hairbrained reverse psychology plot and everyone celebrates.

The C-plot arrives at the compound when Jeffrey is escorted in by Aaron Dallas. I forgot Aaron existed to be honest. Liz welcomes him and immediately starts plotting to get him and Enid together.

That's going to work out great.

The book blessedly ends there. I didn't think I was going to survive this one. Sandra and Jean were both terrible people and I hope they take up permanent residence in the dungeon with Patty and Lynne.

In the next book: Lila and Enid both want Jeffrey so Jess and Liz go head-to-head in the matchmaker ring. Does anyone bother to ask Jeffrey who he wants? I doubt it. Why would that matter?

Malibu Summer (SVH Super Edition) by "Francine Pascal"

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: None

From the Back of the Book: Summer's here, and the Wakefield twins can't wait to join Lila Fowler in fabulous, beach-lined Malibu. Elizabeth and Jessica have arranged jobs as mother's helpers and are looking forward to a dream vacation filled with Hollywood stars and gorgeous guys. But the girls soon find out things aren't always as they seem in sunny Malibu. Elizabeth's heart is won by someone much too old for her. Even though she feels guilty about it, she begins to see him secretly. While Elizabeth tries desperately to keep her sister from finding out, Jessica is busy trying to get bronzed Cliff Sherman to notice her. Can the girls straighten out their summer romances, or will Malibu's magic be only an illusion?

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1986 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is pretty standard – two models looking much too old to be the Wakefield twins wearing horrible clothes.

In the last book, Amy returned to town, making Enid fear she was losing her friendship with Liz. Jess and Cara briefly handed out love advice in the school paper and Lila's cousin came to visit. It was a pretty boring book. None of that is going to matter for this one, though, because these books exist in an alternate universe.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Not applicable for this alternate universe.

Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: See above.

We begin with the twins at the beach. Jess is going on about a musician named Tony Sargent who is her latest obsession. Liz is being #notliketheothergirls and pretending she doesn't know who he is even though she totally does. God Liz is annoying and it's only the first page.

We get our usual description of the twins as devastatingly beautiful and physically perfect in every way before we veer off into their separate personality descriptions. This time Liz is described as “dependable” and “non-judgmental”. She is neither of those things. Jess is described as “liking the spotlight” and “hungry for change” this time around which is pretty accurate and also much nicer than usual. I wonder if there's a different ghostie for this book.

Talk shifts away from Tony and onto the main plot of this book – Jess wants to spend the summer in Malibu. Lila's gotten a job as a mother's helper in Malibu for a rich family and Jess wants to do the same. EvilNed and VileAlice won't let her go without Liz, though, and Liz is determined to stay in Sweet Valley to intern for the local newspaper. Jess has been trying to convince Liz to change her mind but Liz won't budge so Jess asks Lila for help.

As planned, Lila comes up to the pair on the beach and Jess leaves to go get a soda. While she's gone, Lila works on Liz's martyr complex and tells her that Jess might do something “desperate” if she doesn't get to go to Malibu that summer. Jess is kind of known for doing rash, desperate things so this doesn't really feel like an empty threat. She also calls Liz selfish for ruining Jess's only chance for happiness. It works like a charm and she agrees to go as long as Jess makes all the arrangements.

Also, Liz judges Lila for wearing a “mature” swimsuit so that non-judgmental thing lasted exactly 4 pages. Seems about right.

The first step is to interview with the nanny company. For some reason, Jess goes alone even though Liz will need to interview as well. Jess figures that caring for a baby will be the easiest.....

…..so she tells the owner that she's experienced with infants. The owner says she has an opening in Malibu with the Sargent family. Despite it being a fairly common last name, Jess gets all excited and asks if they are related to Tony Sargent. The owner says she believes they are cousins. Jess immediately starts weaving fantasies of meeting Tony and falling in love. The owner only has one other placement in Malibu. Liz will be assigned to an older child who is a bit of a problem. She's already run off several nannies and the owner is reluctant to assign her to such an inexperienced teen. Jess assures her that Liz is great with problem children and there won't be any issues. The owner tells her that the twins will have to interview with the Sargents and the Bennets separately but unless they fuck those interviews up horribly, they have the jobs.

She still hasn't even met Liz.

Whatever.

Jess goes back to the compound and tells Liz about the assignments. She makes it sound like she's taking the worst job as a favor to Liz. Liz buys it despite having lived with Jess her entire life.

The individual interviews get scheduled for Saturday which causes a huge problem for Jess who has cheer camp that day. She's the co-captain so she can't get out of it. She begs Liz to do her interview for her because it can't be changed either and if she doesn't go, she won't get the job. Liz refuses for awhile but ends of doing it because of course she does.

The first interview is with the Bennet family. This is for Liz's placement. She's stunned to find they live in a mansion with a private beach. The housekeeper, Maria, ends up interviewing her because the Bennets aren't home. She tells Liz that it's an unhappy house and that Taryn's parents don't spend much time with her. The little girl is lonely and ignored which makes her difficult at time. Liz is confident she can “fix” Taryn.

The next interview is with the Sargent family for Jess' placement. It's just a regular house situated four blocks from the public beach. Instead of having her own luxurious room like Liz, Jess will be sharing a room with baby Sam. Both of the Sargents work so they need a lot of help from Jess. Liz is surprised to find that Jess actually gave her the easier job after all.

Too bad Jess doesn't know that. lol

Liz does well enough on the interviews that the twins get offered the jobs. We take a little time hop here and go right to their first day of work. Jess drops Liz off at the Bennet mansion and then drives to the Sargent house. She's going to be keeping the Fiat because the Bennets have extra cars that Liz will be able to drive if necessary. Jess is dismayed to see how small the Sargent house is. She's further crushed when she asks if Tony ever visits and she finds out they haven't seen him in years.

More time passes. Lila has a lot of time off because the baby she's assigned to has a nurse and another nanny. She mostly just puts him to bed at night. Jess has arranged to have a couple of hours off every afternoon while Sam naps. They both make a habit of going to the Bennet's private beach each afternoon to hang out with Liz and Taryn. One day while they're there, Jess sees a dreamy blonde jog by. Liz introduces him as Cliff, the Bennet's next door neighbor.

Jess decides she wants to switch jobs with Liz. Taryn has an awful attitude and she's rude to everyone but Jess figures that's a small price to pay for a mansion with a private beach and Cliff next door. She floats the idea by Liz but Liz says it wouldn't be professional and she won't even consider it. Jess doesn't give up, though. She just figures she'll need to be more sneaky about it.

Liz continues to have trouble relating to Taryn but the little girl takes an immediate liking to Jess. Kids can always tell. Jess bonds with her by telling her little secret stories about what happens to “wicked” girls. It's the same kind of story that EvilNed used to tell Jess when she was little. Taryn absolutely loves them and she and Jess get closer while Liz watches with jealousy.

Cliff invites all the girls to a party Saturday night. Lila can pawn her charge off on the nurse and Maria will watch Taryn so Lila and Liz are good to go, but Jess needs to get permission from the Sargents. Unfortunately, they're going out and they need someone to watch Sam that night. Luckily Liz doesn't care about the party and she volunteers to come sit for Sam.

There's a B-plot here about Lila falling for some windsurfer but it barely matters. All you need to know is that Lila originally thought he was older and was bragging about landing an older man but later she discovered that he's 15 and therefore younger than her. She's embarrassed at first and Jess definitely teases her but she ends up getting over it because he's a nice guy and she likes him. There, I summarized the entire B-plot for you in a few sentences and we can get back to the main plot.

When Liz gets to the Sargent's to babysit Sam, she finds out that they have a houseguest named Jamie staying with them for awhile. He's 21 and an English major at Yale. Also, he's cute in a nerdy way. Liz is instantly smitten because Yale is her type. They spend the evening talking and Jamie eventually tries to kiss her. Liz pulls away and tells him that SHE'S ONLY 16 but he doesn't care and asks her out anyway.

Also......

Odds the Sargent's houseguest will turn out to be rock star Tony: 85%

When Jess gets back to the house, Liz tells her about Jamie but she makes sure to make him sound like a boring nerd so Jess won't be interested in him. She also doesn't tell Jess that she agreed to go out on a date with him.

Ma'am, you're 16 years old. He's a whole ass adult. This is illegal.

We do a little time hop so we can land right at Liz's date with Jamie. When he gets flirty with her, she tells him she's not comfortable with their age difference but he brushes that off like a true predator.

We briefly jump into Jamie's head and learn that he's keeping a secret and using a secret identity. Yep. He's definitely Tony. Which makes this all even worse. Tony definitely isn't an English major at Yale. He's told Liz nothing but lies. He's apparently hiding from the dangerous boyfriend of some girl he talked to at a bar once. Pascal makes sure we know that he didn't actually date her but she told her boyfriend that Tony made moves on her and the boyfriend vowed to kill him. He justifies all his lies to Liz as important for keeping her cover. Besides, he wishes he was an English major at Yale so that makes it all okay.

This is troubling on so many levels. Why is Pascal writing this? I know a lot of authors try to bring light to things that teenagers actually face in the real world and you could make that argument for a 21-year-old man trying to date a 16-year-old girl because disgusting predators absolutely exist but this secret identity nonsense isn't something a teenager will deal with. By adding this garbage, she's trivializing this predator going after Liz and making it seem like kooky, zany fun. It's okay that he's trying to date a child because he's actually secretly a rock star and what teenage girl wouldn't dream of dating a rock star? Do better, Pascal.

Jamie/Tony eventually gets an apartment in Santa Monica and Liz starts getting Maria to watch Taryn so she can sneak off and spend time with him. You know, because she's SO RESPONSIBLE. They do a lot of making out and I seriously just want him to go to jail at this point. Pascal continues to tell us that Liz is super uncomfortable with the age gap but Jamie/Tony is ever so dreamy so she ignores it.

One day while Liz is off being victimized, Taryn hears her parents having a huge fight. Her dad threatens to leave and her mom tells him to go. Taryn is so distraught that she decides to run away to Nebraska where her grandparents live. She doesn't know where Nebraska is, but figures she can walk there. Meanwhile, she also develops a horrible cold because Pascal thinks she needs more drama here. She doesn't. A small child running away is enough drama. I swear.....I'm so done with Pascal at this point.

The next day, Liz yet again pushes her responsibilities off on poor Maria and goes to meet Jamie. Because Pascal doesn't think a small child with a horrible cold running away is enough drama, she also throws in a severe thunderstorm and some coastal flooding. Liz knows the weather is going to be bad but goes anyway, taking Maria's car.

Taryn sneaks out while Maria is busy.

Jess hears that they're evacuating the homes along the beach and tries to call Liz to make sure they're okay. She doesn't reach her, so she drives over to check on them. Maria answers the door and she's freaked out because Liz has her car and she can't drive Taryn to safety. Jess offers to take them both in the Fiat (which only has two seats) but when they go to get Taryn, they discover she's gone.

We suddenly jump into Mrs Sargent's head for the first time. A man comes to her door claiming to be Tony's manager. Mrs Sargent directs him to the cafe where Tony is meeting Liz. How does she know he's meeting Liz there when they are keeping their relationship a secret?

Odds the “manager” is the bad guy: 99%

Jess and Maria call the police, of course, and eventually get word that Taryn has been spotted on a broken bridge not far from the house. Jess and Maria race to the scene. The bridge is in bad shape and the adults can't get close enough to Taryn to bring her to safety but she's too scared to come to them. Jess coaxes her off the bridge by telling her another one of those little secret stories. She's saved just as the bridge collapses but her horrible cold has turned into pneumonia or something and she's taken away by ambulance. Jess ends up going with her.

We jump back into Mrs Sargent's head. The real manager shows up to tell them that the bad guy has been spotted in the area and Jamie/Tony is in mortal danger. They all race to the cafe.

Taryn is very sick and might not make it. The doctors plead with Jess to give her the will to live. This is so fucking dumb. You didn't need this, Pascal. It was dramatic enough that she ran away. Just deal with that and with her parents realizing how awful and neglectful they've been. She doesn't need to be at death's door here. You're just padding out the story here.

The bad guy shows up at the cafe with a knife because Pascal didn't want him to be able to actually kill Jamie/Tony. He goes into a whole bad guy monologue so Liz learns who Jamie/Tony really is, and that she's been lied to the entire time. The bad guy stabs Jamie/Tony but Liz hits him over the head with a heavy vase. What kind of cafe has vases heavy enough to knock someone out? The police show up, having been called by the Sargents. It's all so stupid.

While he's bleeding on the floor, Jamie/Tony tells Liz everything, including the fact that's actually only 17. Pascal thinks that makes everything okay because he's not an actual predator but it doesn't. It really doesn't. She fucking wrote him as a predator for an entire book and I will never see him as anything other than that. Jamie/Tony wants to keep dating her. Liz isn't sure.

Jamie/Tony ends up going to the hospital and Liz follows. She runs into Jess who debriefs her on the entire Taryn situation. Liz tells her about Jamie/Tony and Jess can't believe she lived with an actual rock star for a few days without knowing it.

Taryn recovers because Jess gives her the will to live and then her family is healed by the Wakefield magic. They live happily ever after I guess.

Liz ends things with Jamie/Tony because she knows it will never work. There's no way a relationship with a rock star is feasible for an average California martyr. He ends up giving a charity concert in town and Cliff convinces Liz to attend. Jamie/Tony sings a song called “Summer Girl” that he dedicates to Liz and she cries because it means he actually did care for her and it wasn't all a lie. She knows she'll never see him again but knowing it was “real” is enough for her.

Except it wasn't real. He lied about everything. She doesn't even know who he really is other than he's famous.

Whatever.

The book ends there, thank god. I swear Pascal just gets worse with every book.

Bitter Rivals (SVH #29) by Francine Pascal and Kate William

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Will Elizabeth be forced to choose between Amy and Enid?

From the Back of the Book: Three's a crowd...  Elizabeth Wakefield is ecstatic. Her dearest childhood friend, Amy Sutton, is moving back to Sweet Valley. Elizabeth can't wait to see her again and introduce Amy to her current best friend, Enid Rollins. Amy is an undeniable hit at Sweet Valley High. She's glamorous and vivacious, and she becomes the newest member of the cheerleading squad. But to Elizabeth's shock, Amy and Enid seem to be heading for a showdown. Will the prospect of having two best friends leave Elizabeth with none?

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1986 and this is my first time reading it. The cover kills me. The girl in the pink on the left is the only one who actually looks like she might represent a teen in the 80's. The other two dress like middle-aged country club moms.

In the last book, The Droids held a songwriting contest and shy Lynne entered anonymously. Guy fell in love with the song and transferred that love to the singer. Jessica held a rock-a-thon to raise money for cheerleading outfits and then got pissed when one of the cheerleaders announced their family was moving. Elizabeth.....well, she was there I guess.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Bruce and Regina were mentioned once but never seen topside so I have to assume they're still under ground. Patty, who only existed for one book and was never seen again, is still gracing the milk cartons. We saw Robin in this book but George was absent so I guess she left the dungeon without him. Can't say I blame her.  Despite being the focus of the last book, Lynne and Guy have fallen off the radar entirely.  It's like they never existed at all.

Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: Robin made her official exit (I can't count the Super Edition since they don't exist in this universe). She clearly locked the door tight behind her because no one else escaped.

We begin with Liz hanging out by the pool with Jess and Enid. Ghostie gives us the usual spiel about Jess and Liz being “identical opposites”. For some reason, this time it centers around Liz liking tailored, classic clothes and Jess liking the current trends. I have no idea why this matters but that's what we're focused on.

Liz introduces the A-plot right away by telling the others how excited she is that Amy is going to arrive soon. They're just waiting for Amy's mom to finish up some work stuff and then they'll be moving into the house vacated by the cheerleader who is moving away.  That was convenient.  Is Sweet Valley filled to capacity or something?  Do they have to have someone move away for someone new to come?  Enid pretends to be excited but she's nervous. Jess simply doesn't care. She and Amy weren't close all those years ago and she figures they won't be close now.

Since Jess doesn't care about the A-plot, she introduces the B-plot. Since Helen is moving away to make room for Amy, the squad is going to have to hold tryouts again. Ghostie reminds us that the last time the cheerleaders held tryouts, Jess made Annie so miserable she tried to self-delete. Jess is hoping that things go smoother this time. There isn't much to say about the B-plot so Jess throws a C-plot in as well. She and Cara are going to write a “Dear Miss Lovelorn” column for the school paper.

I hate that we get hit with all the sub plots so early these days.  Maybe we could just focus on the main one for a bit, Pascal?

The phone rings and Liz goes inside to answer it. It's Amy and she gives a tentative arrival date of the following Sunday. Liz is super excited but then she remembers that she's supposed to go on a ski trip with Enid. Apparently Enid's aunt owns a cabin at Lake Tahoe and has invited the girls for the weekend. Liz and Enid have both been looking forward to the trip but Liz doesn't want to be away when Amy arrives. She runs out and asks Enid to postpone the trip. Enid reluctantly agrees even though it will inconvenience her aunt.

Inconveniencing her aunt becomes a recurring theme in this book.

We skip to the next day at lunch. Jess asks Lila when the D-plot arrives. Lila says cousin Christopher will show up soon and they'll all fall head over heels for him because he's the dreamiest, most amazing man ever. She plans to throw a huge welcome party once he arrives.

We land in Enid's head. She reminds us that she had a rough start in Sweet Valley before meeting Liz in 10^th grade. She'd been part of a rough crowd that did drugs and got in trouble.  Because of that rough start, she finds her friendship with Liz more meaningful.  Enid is worried she might lose Liz to Amy. She feels “possessive” of Liz and doesn't want to share her with anyone.

Enid admits she's grown dependent on Liz and she feels jealous of Amy already.

I kind of forgot how much I hate Enid.  It's all coming back to me now.

Jess and Cara turn in their first column for the C-plot. Jess is already losing interest because she's fallen in love with some guy named Jay who never existed before and will probably cease to exist after this book. It's a good thing Jean-Claude only exists in that alternate reality or he might be jealous. Jay, unfortunately, is going out with a senior named Denise and the two of them seem pretty tight. Jess decides to use the column to break them up.

At least she's creative.

We take a sudden skip to Saturday. Liz is headed out the door to meet Enid at the beach when the phone rings. It's Amy and she's arrived a day sooner than expected. Liz decides to run over and see her on the way to the beach. She figures she'll only be 10 or 15 minutes late so she doesn't even bother trying to let Enid know.

Liz almost doesn't recognize Amy when she sees her. Amy has turned into a beautiful, fashionable young woman. Things are chaotic at the house with movers underfoot, so Liz invites Amy to come back to the Wakefield compound to spend the night. Amy gets the okay from her mother and then goes inside the house to pack a bag. By the time she's done and they're headed back to Liz's house, it's after 11:30 and Liz is an hour and a half late to meet Enid on the beach.

Liz finally remembers that she was supposed to be meeting her friend. Instead of driving to the beach, she calls Enid's house and then acts surprised when Enid doesn't answer. SHE'S AT THE FUCKING BEACH WAITING FOR YOU! She knows she should go to the beach but she doesn't want to leave Amy alone. I don't know why Amy can't just go with her. Liz just decides that Enid will understand and she does nothing.

The day passes without Liz bothering to call Enid with an explanation and/or apology. To Liz's surprise, Jess and Amy get along fabulously. Amy seems to have way more in common with Jess now but Liz pretends not to notice. They stay up late talking – mostly about this boy Amy has a crush on.  He never becomes important so I'm not going to bother telling you about him.

The next morning, Liz finally calls Enid to apologize for ditching her. Enid seems a little hurt but Liz demands forgiveness and is granted it. She asks Enid to meet her and Amy for brunch so the can get to know each other and Enid agrees.

Enid is being too nice here.

The meeting doesn't go well. Amy clearly doesn't want to know Enid and spends most of the time talking about herself. Enid isn't impressed. She thinks Amy is a boy-crazy, superficial, airhead. She isn't wrong. It's pretty clear they don't like each other but Liz pretends not to notice that either.

We skip to the next week at school. Amy is instantly popular and doesn't seem to have any time for Liz. She makes time for Jess and Lila though. Liz is jealous. She seems to want middle school Amy back and doesn't want to accept that high school Amy has grown up and changed. Liz keeps trying to schedule time with Amy but Amy stands her up over and over.

Enid reminds Liz that they need to reschedule with her aunt for the ski trip. They decide on the following Saturday and Liz asks if she can invite Amy. Enid really doesn't want her around but she knows it's important to Liz so she gives in and says Amy can come. Liz asks Amy and she accepts the invitation but it's pretty clear she isn't excited about it. Liz ignores that.

We check back in with the C-plot for a few paragraphs. Jess fakes two letters to Miss Lovelorn and then answers them herself for the column. The first letter is from a “junior boy” who is worried that he doesn't have enough in common with his senior girlfriend. Miss Lovelorn advises him to date someone his own age instead. The second letter is from a “senior girl” who feels like her relationship with her junior boyfriend won't last past graduation since they'll be in different schools next year. Miss Lovelorn also advises her to break up with her boyfriend because their relationship is doomed. Because of the details provided, everyone at school thinks Denise and Jay wrote the letters and gossip starts flying around. Later, Jess sees the two of them together and it's clear they've been fighting. She feels victorious.

We flash by the B-plot like a cheetah with a jet pack. Amy decides she wants to try out for the cheerleading squad. Liz is crushed because it means Amy will have even less time for her.

Liz needs to buy a fucking clue at this point.  It's getting embarrassing.

Suddenly it's Monday again. I have no idea why the ski trip didn't happen. I guess maybe the aunt had a conflict or something so now it's going to be on the Saturday coming up. Jess is horrified when she hears about their plans. Lila is having her big party for D-plot Christopher that evening and she can't believe that Liz would pick a skiing trip over the party. Liz and Enid discuss it but decide not to change plans again because it's the best weekend for Enid's aunt to host and because Lila throws a party at least once a month.

Liz is still desperately trying to spend time with Amy but they're just not connecting. She finally starts to admit that they don't really have anything in common anymore. Amy is way more like Jess and Lila now. Liz keeps trying, though. She just can't let the idea go.

Amy makes the squad and the B-plot concludes. Honestly it wasn't much of a sub plot at all. There could have been some good drama coming from it but Pascal and Ghostie just dropped the ball.

After tryouts we get this weird interlude where we're in the head of some cheerleader named Sandra. She has a best friend on the squad named Jean. Sandra continually feels like she's in Jean's shadow. The only thing Sandra has that Jean doesn't is that stupid sorority the twins are in. Jean tried to get in the year before but didn't make it. Since Helen is leaving, there will be an opening soon. Jean wants Sandra to submit her but Sandra secretly doesn't want to.

What the hell was that? Why was that there?

Liz finally hangs out with Amy the evening after tryouts. Liz tries to get Amy excited about the ski trip but Amy wants to go to Lila's party instead. She begs Liz to reschedule the ski trip yet again. Liz knows it's the wrong thing to do but she calls Enid to ask to move the trip yet again. Enid wants to just go without Amy because she really doesn't want to inconvenience her aunt. Liz throws a fit so Enid agrees to talk to her aunt. Liz can tell she's upset but chalks it up to Enid being jealous.

Liz is such a jerk.

The next day at school, Jess corners Jay at lunch. He's miserable because Denise has broken up with him over the fake Miss Lovelorn letters. She pounces immediately and asks him out. I'm not sure why he agrees to go but he does. We skip immediately to the actual date. Jay is distant because he's still in love with Denise and wants her back. Jess lies and tells him that Denise has been cheating on him. Jay believes her. He's crushed but decides making out with Jess will make him feel better.

We skip to the night of Lila's D-plot party. It's a costume party so Liz puts on her ski clothes and goes as a skier. She hopes it will send a message to Enid that she wishes they were Tahoe instead. I mean, they could have been if Liz wasn't such a jerk. Jess dresses up as Cleopatra and Amy goes as a ballerina. I think Lila is Princess Diana for some reason.

Liz and Enid are supposed to ride to the party together but Amy calls at the last minute to beg for a ride. When Liz lets Enid know, Enid decides to get a ride with someone else. Liz is pissed and again sees it as a sign that Enid is being jealous. She can't figure out why Enid has chosen to be so “difficult” about everything.

I hate Liz.

When they get to the party, Liz is delighted to find out that Enid is also dressed in her ski clothes. They're both ridiculous. It turns out Enid knows the D-plot. Cousin Christopher was a counselor at some summer camp Enid went to a few years ago. The two of them are excited to see each other and we quickly see that Christopher is nothing like his cousin Lila. Amy is pissed because she thinks Christopher is pretty cute and she intended to have all his attention. She spends the entire night following Enid and Christopher around and trying to interrupt all their conversations. When Enid won't “buzz off”, Amy gets hostile with her and threatens to take both Christopher and Liz away from Enid.

Enid tells Liz that Christopher is going to drive her home. A few minutes later, Amy rocks up to tell Liz that she's getting a ride home from Christopher as well. Liz is confused because she knows that he's taking Enid home. Amy admits she schemed to get him away from Enid and Liz finally sees her true colors. Amy accuses Liz of picking Enid over her and storms off.

Liz tries to talk to Enid but Enid is also pissed. She thinks Liz has been prioritizing Amy lately and she's hurt. She also storms off. Liz is suddenly left with the prospect of having no friends at all.

It's what she deserves.

But we all know it won't happen.

Sigh.

We skip to Sunday. Liz calls Enid but she says she needs space. Liz calls Amy but she's at the beach with Jess and Lila. Liz finally admits that Enid is the better friend to her. She ignores Enid's request for space and goes over to her house. They make up of course.  Enid reveals that Amy has been telling her to stay away from Liz behind the scenes.  I have no idea why we weren't shown that in the actual book.

Then again, given Enid's habit of lying, I'm not sure whether to believe her.  She might be making it up to make Amy look super bad.

 Oh, yeah, Enid also tells Liz that she has a date with Christopher later. I wonder if he'll survive into the next book.

I bet we never see him again.

Jess decides to quit the paper which concludes the C-plot for us. Jay ends up getting back with Denise if anyone cares.  Since they'll probably cease to exist after this book, I can't be arsed.

We end the book with Sandra again. I guess they were the E-plot and I didn't realize it. Sandra just repeats that she doesn't want to nominate Jean for the sorority because she wants something that Jean doesn't have. Then the book ends.

I guess we have that to look forward to.

Dude. I only had 4.5 pages of notes for this one. Nothing happened.  I think Pascal and Ghostie ran out of ideas ten books ago.

That might have been a generous estimate.  

Coming Up Next: We have another Super Edition that won't shape the world in any way because it takes place in an alternate universe. After that, I guess we deal with Sandra, Jean and the sorority. Yay.