**This blog contains adult language.**
Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.
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From the Back of the Book: Robin Wilson is having a spectacular year. She's in love with George Warren, she's doing well in school, and she's almost sure to win the upcoming diving championship. Then her rich aunt makes an offer that's incredible – but it just may ruin Robin's happiness. Aunt Fiona will pay for her college education if Robin goes to Sarah Lawrence, the school her aunt and grandmother attended back East. If Robin accepts, she'll have to leave George and her diving behind, but without her aunt's help, Robin may not be able to afford college at all. Robin feels as if she's being pulled in two directions. How can she do what's right for her without hurting the people she cares about most?
TRIGGER WARNING 📢: In reviewing a character's past storyline, I make a brief mention of a suicide attempt with no details given. The book itself contains fat-phobic comments as well as allusions to some disordered eating that I found very troubling. I'm going to cut a lot of it out and skim over the rest of it but please don't read this blog if you are sensitive to those things. No book is worth your mental health.
Meet the Cast
*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.
*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies
*EvilNed Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer
*VileAlice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer
*CreepySteven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole
*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type
*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag former boyfriend currently exiled to Vermont
*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money
*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money
*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd
*Jeffrey French – Liz's new victim....I mean love interest
There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.
This book was published in 1988 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is awful. They look so old. That man has to be at least 35. Was it so hard to find teenage models for these things? Yikes.
In the last book, cousin Kelly came to stay with the Wakefields for a few weeks because her mom was getting remarried. Kelly worshipped her father and dated Kirk the jerk who are both abusive assholes. Kirk attempted to SA her (WHICH IS NEVER ADDRESSED AT ALL) which led to a flashback where Kelly relived her father destroying their kitchen in a rage. Deciding both men were garbage, Kelly went back to Arizona.
Missing, Presumed Dead: You know the drill....Johanna, Patty, Eddie and Abbie who only existed for one book and have never been seen again are still deep underground. They've been joined this time around by Bruce, CreepySteven, Questionable Mr Collins and Kirk the Jerk. Hmmmm......do you think they're having some kind of Predator convention in the Compound's dungeon? I feel kind of sorry for the other four with these nonces down there.
Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: No one. Let's face it, Patty, Eddie and Abbie are never seeing the light of day again. Johanna might have hope since the next book features her sister but the others are doomed.
We begin with Liz fawning over her own article in The Oracle. She knows she'll have her name on the cover of multiple books someday.
The twins are described and words like “perfect figures”, “eyes like the ocean”, and “sun-kissed hair” are thrown about like confetti. Jess is adorned with the crown of “fast, impetuous and adventure-seeking” while Liz wears a cloak of lies that includes “thoughtful, introspective and studious”.
I wonder if Pascal will ever admit what Liz truly is?
Jess reminds us that she's wanting to make money to keep up with Lila so she asked her brother in the last book to advertise her at the university as a babysitter. Apparently she got a hit. Alex is writing a piano composition for his senior thesis and he needs someone to occupy his little sister for a few hours each afternoon so he can focus on his work.
So keep in mind that Alex is a senior in college. He's likely 21-22 years old and Jess is either 16 or 17. The timeline in Sweet Valley is very inconsistent. Even at the lower end for him and the higher end for her, this is still illegal territory. Pascal better not go there.
Jess tells Liz about Robin getting early acceptance into Sarah Lawrence and the possibility that she'll be leaving Sweet Valley at the end of her junior year. Liz is shocked but that's just because she believes she's the smartest person at SVH and she can't imagine that anyone but her could get into college early.
We jump to the A-plot. Robin is also talking about Robin getting early acceptance into Sarah Lawrence and the possibility that she'll be leaving Sweet Valley at the end of her junior year. She's telling her best friend Annie who we haven't seen in a really long time. I kind of forgot she existed or I would have put her in the dungeon with the others. The last time we really spent any time with Annie, she decided to end her life because the entire town slut shamed her but Jess saved her life by making her a cheerleader. I guess she and Robin became friends on the squad?
Anyway, Robin tells Annie that her aunt Fiona will pay for college (tuition, books, room, board, etc) if and only if she goes to Sarah Lawrence. If Robin chooses to go anywhere else, she's on her own. Fiona often controls others with her money (she's a fairly famous artist). Robin can't afford college on her own so the offer is tempting but she's not ready to leave SV yet.
I'm so confused, y'all. Fiona isn't saying that Robin has to skip her senior year. She's just saying that Robin has to go to SL. The only reason this early acceptance thing is even as issue is because the guidance counselor urged Robin to apply and then she was granted it. She could just choose to graduate from SVH and then go to SL and Fiona would still pay. All things angst right now makes zero sense.
What was I expecting?
When do these books ever make sense?
Annie asks what George thinks about this whole situation and Robin says she hasn't told him yet. She can't think straight because there's too much going on – school, cheer and diving. Yes, suddenly Robin is a championship level diver. Since when, you ask? I have no fucking idea. Anyway, Robin is super stressed and worried she's going to start eating her feelings.
Pascal pauses here to remind us that Robin used to be fat and that she'd been blackballed by Jess and the Pi Beta Alphas because of it. Then we get this: “Shedding the pounds had transformed Robin, and she found she was a very attractive, even beautiful girl.”
Because no one can be attractive, beautiful and fat according to Pascal.
There's some very fat phobic things in the next few paragraphs and Robin display a troubling level of disordered eating. I'm not going to participate in any of this. Pascal is so fucking harmful. I can't believe someone let her publish these things.
Annie encourages Robin to tell George sooner rather than later. This prompts Robin to remind us that he cheated on Enid with her. No, I don't know how those two things are related. Robin just wanted us to know.
Now we're with Jess and the B-plot. Jess drives to a “quaint dollhouselike cottage” to begin her babysitting job. Yes, Pascal made dollhouselike all one word. My spell check and I both hate it. She meets Allison who has blonde curls and is generally adorable. Alex is hot, of course, and Jess is instantly smitten. This is an uncomfortable age gap, Pascal. Not that you're new to that. But I'm still getting the ick.
In a room with giant windows overlooking the ocean is a grand piano. There are various other instruments about (flute, violin, guitar, etc) so Jess pretends to be a music lover to impress Alex. Allison wants to go down to the beach but Jess would rather flirt with her brother. Alex shoos them away so he can get some work done and Jess is disappointed.
On the beach, Allison whips out a recorder and starts to play Greensleeves. Believe it or not, I had a class in college where I had to learn to play the recorder and Greensleeves was one of the songs I learned to play. I guess it's just recorder-friendly.
Jess tries to figure out how to get Alex to notice her. She decides the only way to get his attention is to play a musical instrument and since the recorder is easy enough for a five year old to play, it must be easy enough for Jess to learn quickly.
To be fair, they teach 3rd graders to play recorder so she should be fine. It's not like she's trying to learn to play the violin in three days.
Back to Robin and the nonsensical A-plot. George picks her up for dinner at the Dairi Burger. He suggests renting a plane on Saturday and flying along the coast but she declines because she has to practice diving for an upcoming competition. He doesn't accept her answer though and just says “we'll see”. What the fuck does that mean, George? No fucking means no.
I hate these people.
Robin tells him that she's been thinking about college a lot and trying to figure out where to go. He laughs and says of course she'll go to UCLA because that's where he's going. I'm really not liking George much, y'all. Was he like this the last time we saw him? I don't remember. Maybe all that time in the dungeon changed him.
Robin tells him that she can't afford UCLA and he reasonably points out that she can apply for scholarships or get a loan like everyone else. Hell, she keeps telling us that her mom is very poor so she'd probably qualify for a grant. They had them back then. George asks if her rich aunt will help at all with college and she says that her aunt's help always comes with strings. George says she can't let her aunt manipulate her with money. He might be an asshole but he makes occasional good points.
Robin wonders if he'll love her if she goes to college in New York.
If he doesn't, he isn't he one and that's okay. You're too young for forever, Robin.
Back to the twinsies. Jess tells Lila and Liz about her plan to play the recorder and they both laugh at her because they're awful.
We skip to the next day. Jess tells Cara about Alex. They go to the mall to buy a recorder. Jess decides on a basic plastic model because the wooden ones are too expensive. She also buys an instruction book. When she brings it home, Liz is fascinated. She considers learning to play as well because she's always wanted to play an instrument but she rejects the idea because Jess will be hurt when she fails and Liz succeeds.
What the fuck, Liz?
Wow, she's a conceited bitch.
We skip to Wednesday. Liz goes to the library and runs into about 25% of the cast somehow. One of them is George and Liz mentions how wonderful it is that Robin got early acceptance to SL. George is clearly crushed that he knew nothing about it and Liz feels guilty for blabbing. Not guilty enough to warn Robin though.
Liz goes home and the house is empty. She finds Jess' recorder and longingly plays a few notes on it before stopping herself.
This is so bizarre. I've never known anyone to pine over a recorder in my entire life. At this point, it's become it's own character like Kelly's hat.
Gold star if you got that reference.
Back to Robin and the A-plot. Fiona is so excited about Robin going to SL that she's offered to redo Robin's mom's kitchen for some reason. Robin's mom decides to hire VileAlice to design it. When Robin mentions she isn't sure she wants to go, her mom freaks out because she really wants a dishwasher and that's apparently more important than Robin's happiness. She reminds Robin that Fiona has done a lot for their family and she should go to SL to make Fiona happy.
Is every adult in SV awful? Is it like a requirement to live there or something? Do they have to sign some sort of contract?
Robin's mom calls her selfish and immature for wanting to go to college in California so she can keep diving and dating George. Robin is hurt that her mother cares more about Fiona's money than about her. She's super upset when George arrives at her house. She gets in his car and asks him to drive somewhere. She doesn't even notice that he's upset too because she's too busy agonizing over all the reasons she wants to stay in SV but all the reasons it would be nice to have college paid for. It's SUPER repetitive and we've been hammered over the head with it a million times already.
MOVE ON, PASCAL!
They get all the way to Miller's Point before Robin notices George hasn't said a single word to her. She finally asks him if something is wrong and he erupts on her, asking why she never told him she was breaking up with him and moving to New York. She starts sobbing but George is unmoved. She wonders who told him. She only told Annie and Jess and she dismisses Jess immediately because George isn't popular enough for Jess to talk to. It's the dumbest take she could possibly have. Sure, Jess might not talk to George but she talks to a lot of other people and spilling secrets is in the Wakefield DNA. Jess could have told any number of people and they could have told George. This is absolutely asinine and I'm left wondering how Robin got early acceptance to a serious school like SL. Do you think Fiona bribed the admission committee?
Robin decides Annie betrayed her. I decide Robin is stupid.
George asks her what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know.
Back to Jess. She's at cheer practice when Robin arrives. Annie tries to talk to her and Robin screams that she's a traitor. She accuses Annie of telling George about SL which Annie denies. You know, because she didn't. Robin says that Annie wants them to break up so Annie can have George. You know, because Annie is a slut and George is some kind of prize. Annie gets pissed and storms off as the rest of the cheerleaders watch.
Jess is smart enough to know what happened. She told Liz and Liz told George. She considers filling in Robin but rejects the idea. Robin is starting to get too popular and it's making Jess nervous. She figures if Robin breaks up with George and ends her friendship with Annie, it will make her more inclined to leave SVH which means Jess can lead the cheer squad on her own and she won't have to worry about Robin toppling her off the social ladder. She decides to let Robin keep thinking that Annie is the betrayer.
Back with Robin. She does terrible at diving practice because she can't stop agonizing over choice A or choice B and I'm fucking sick of the repetitiveness. Her coach is a former Olympic silver medalist (how the hell did SVH attract one of those?) and a bit of a hard-ass. She tells Robin to get with it because she's wasting everyone's time. Robin tries to tell her all about her terribly hard decision but the coach cuts her off and tells her to focus on the task at hand which is diving.
Robin sees George after practice and can't stand how sad he looks. She tells him that she'll turn down Fiona's offer and stay in SV. George is happy and Robin is relieved that she made her decision.
Except we're only about 40% through the book. Something tells me this decision isn't made.
Back to Jess. She's on the beach with Lila and Allison. She's bummed that learning to play the recorder is harder than she thought and irritated that she can't play “fun songs” on it. Alex shows up saying he needs a break from the piano and Lila is gobsmacked because he's the hottest guy ever. Jess warns her off because she saw him first.
HE'S TOO OLD FOR BOTH OF YOU!!!
We hop over to Liz who is working on a History paper out by the pool. She can't really concentrate and decides it's because the sun is in her eyes. She can't find her sunglasses so she goes to check in Jess' room and encounters Recorder.
She picks it up and immediately plays it flawlessly because of course she does. Somehow she plays for an entire hour before she guiltily puts it back down. She remembers all the times she's been better at Jess than something and all the times she's made Jess look dumb. She vows not to do it again.
Later at dinner VileAlice talks about redoing Robin's kitchen. She says Robin's mom is really excited about it.
Back to the fucking A-plot. Sigh. It's Monday and Robin is once again agonizing over choice A or choice B. You see, when Pascal told us she'd made her decision, it was just for the LOLZ. There's still 50% of the book to get through and Robin is going to repeat this inner dialogue for at least 40% of it. I'M SO SICK OF READING IT.
Penny rocks up to tell Robin that Liz has written an article about the diving competition. Isn't that sports editor John's job? What the hell does he actually do? Robin is upset because now people will come to watch her do badly. She sees Annie across the hall and gets irrationally angry that Annie has no problems.
Really?
Her alcoholic mom doesn't count? What about her mom's skeevy boyfriend? You know that one that hit on her and her friends? What about the fact she was slut shamed to the point that she tried to kill herself? And what is your problem? Your aunt wants to give you a free ride to a really good college?
Back to Jess and the B-plot. She still hasn't managed to get Alex's attention away from his senior thesis. Which is a good thing considering his entire future depends on it. She keeps going in to try to distract him and he's getting increasingly annoyed with her which she is ignoring. At one point, she reaches out to shuffle the pages he's making his notations on and he completely flips out, yelling at her not to touch anything. He apologizes afterwards but he shouldn't. She shouldn't be touching his shit without permission. If she gets something out of order, it can ruin his composition. Jess is a little offended but forges ahead, asking if he has anything challenging she can play on Recorder (little does she know Recorder is cheating on her with her sister). He hands her a book of Debussy. She tries to make conversation with him but he clearly just wants her to leave him the fuck alone. Eventually she does.
As much as I hate it, we're back with Robin and the insufferable A-plot. Robin is so distracted by choice A and choice B that she keeps fucking up cheer practice. Jess is amused. Robin is super frazzled because Fiona is dropping by the next day because she has an art show in LA and Robin will have to decide for realsies then.
We skip to the next day. Fiona arrives. She tips the taxi driver $10 and I guess we're supposed to be impressed. She belittles SV and Robin's house and then says some fat-phobic stuff to Robin. Fiona is thrilled that Robin is going to SL and Robin's mom pipes up about how grateful Robin is for the opportunity.
Fiona starts bragging about her art show and acting like she's doing the gallery a huge favor by letting them display her art. Robin is irritated by Fiona's ego. She tries to talk about her diving competition but Fiona doesn't care. She says Robin will have to give up diving at SL because Fiona isn't going to spend all that money on Robin's education just to have her waste her time in the pool.
Fiona and Robin's mom start talking about the plans for the kitchen. I was hoping Fiona would turn her nose up at VileAlice's plans but no such luck. Robin bitterly thinks to herself that her happiness is being sacrificed for her mom's dishwasher.
I get why she feels that way but they can't force her to go to SL. She can say no.
Back to the twinsies. Jess tells Liz about Robin blaming Annie for George finding out about SL. Liz feels guilty but still does nothing. Instead, she just mopes around about how she can't be with her one true love Recorder.
The level of angst she has about this recorder surpasses the angst she felt about Todd leaving. It's hilarious.
We skip over to Jess at work. Allison is sad because she misses spending time with Alex. Apparently he's a very involved big brother when he isn't trying to graduate from college. Jess is also sad because Alex won't pay attention to her. She leaves Allison on the beach alone so she can go back to the house and try to distract him again. She tells Alex that Allison wants her recorder but she can't find it. (She hid it when she arrived at the house so she could pull this off.) To her annoyance, Alex somehow locates it right away. It's like he has a magnetic pull to the damn thing.
Are all the recorders in this universe so captivating?
Jess tries to flirt but he shoos her away so he can get back to work. Jess reluctantly returns to the five year old that she left completely alone next to a massive body of water. She tries to get information from Allison about Alex. Clearly relating to him by playing an instrument isn't going to work so she's hoping they have something else in common. Allison gives her absolutely nothing to work with because she's five and she all she knows about her brother is that he plays with her and he's nice. Frustrated, Jess leaves her again and heads back to the house.
There are so many reasons you shouldn't leave a small child alone on a beach. I'm sure I don't have to list them out here. Poor Allison. I hope nothing goes wrong here.
Alex is annoyed when Jess interrupts him again. She decides the only thing to do is fake faint so she tells him she isn't feeling well and then she staggers about a little. When she gets near enough to him, she pretends to faint, believing he'll catch her before she hits the ground. He doesn't. He helps her up and over to a chair or something. He finally seems to clue into what she's doing and tells her that he's too busy to date now but maybe after he goes to Julliard and graduates he can look her up. You know, when she's legal age.
At least he's not a creep.
Jess decides to give up. She doesn't intend to wait around for two years, no matter how cute Alex is.
I guess that wraps up Jess' part of the B-plot. We still have Liz and Recorder to deal with though.
We hop over to Liz who is blowing Recorder again. Sorry. I had to. Jess catches her but doesn't care. She tells Liz that she can have Recorder if she wants. All that angst for nothing.
Now that the B-plot is concluded we have nothing but the A-plot.
Robin's family is meeting Fiona at a fancy restaurant for dinner. Fiona orders for them, not even letting them pick their own damn food. Robin's little brothers are dismayed. She brags about selling several paintings at her show. Robin estimates that Fiona made several hundred thousand dollars from the sales. She's irritated by Fiona's behavior again and that gives her the courage to announce she isn't sure about SL. Fiona is pissed. Robin's mom is panicked. Fiona says if Robin doesn't go to SL that she'll never get another penny. Fiona says she'd rather starve to death than take Fiona's money. She storms out of the restaurant and runs to a pay phone.
She calls George sobbing and he can barely understand her. He arrives in about 20 minutes and Robin cries in his arms saying she doesn't know whether to pick choice A or choice B.
About 77% of this book has been the same fucking conversation over and over either out loud or in her head. I'm losing my motherfucking mind. Pascal sucks.
George takes her home but Robin goes inside alone to think. Liz calls and finally fesses up to being the one who told George about SL.
We skip ahead to the next day. It's the day of the diving competition. We're in George's head for a couple of paragraphs. He realizes he never even asked Robin what she wanted....
💥💣🔪🔥EXCEPT HE FUCKING DID. THE VERY FIRST TIME THEY DISCUSSED IT, HE ASKED HER WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T KNOW. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FUCKING STORY, PASCAL❗❗❗💥💣🔪🔥
Anyway, he feels bad so he decides to go convince Robin's family to come to the competition because they're awful and they're not there.
We immediately hop into Robin's head in time to get page after page of diving descriptions.
Either ghostie was a diver or they just loved watching it.
Robin's family – including Fiona - shows up with George in time to watch her win. Robin's coach is sure she'll get an athletic scholarship when she graduates.
Robin finally makes a choice. Kinda. She doesn't want to skip her senior year. She wants to go to SVH for another year and then decide where she wants to go to college.
💥💣🔪🔥YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS FROM THE BEGINNING! ARGHHHHHH!💥💣🔪🔥
Fiona has a change of heart and offers to pay for Robin to go anywhere she wants.
💥💣🔪🔥THEN WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS BOOK! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!💥💣🔪🔥
Robin apologizes to Annie and is forgiven. The A-plot concludes and I am exhausted.
Liz decides she wants to get more serious with Recorder so goes to Julie for help. You know Julie. She's some kind of musical genius. Johanna's sister. Anyway, Julie has company – her next door neighbor Josh who is a junior at SVH. Josh leaves. Julie tells Liz that Josh is hoping to pledge Phi Epsilon which is the frat Bruce leads. Julie asks Liz a bunch of questions about Bruce and it's pretty clear she has a crush on him. Liz doesn't bother to warn her that Bruce was controlling with Jess, sexually harassed Jess and tried to sexually assault Liz. It's like it doesn't matter.
Do you think Pascal has 'boys will be boys' tattooed on her ass cheek? Because she certainly frames all this as just things girls have to put up with if they want to date boys. It's sickening.
I'm warning you now, the next recap might be bullet points. I don't think I can stomach a Bruce focused book.
The book finally ends. I barely survived. It was the most repetitive thing I've ever read in my life.
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