Heartbreaker (SVH #8) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.  

Tag Line: Will Jessica break Bill's heart, too?

From the Back of the Book: Catch a wave...  The surf's up in Sweet Valley and gorgeous Jessica Wakefield is making a big splash with Bill Chase, the hottest surfer in town.  But after she tricks him into falling madly in love with him, she ignores him completely.  To complicate matters shy quiet DeeDee Gordon is also after Bill but Jessica has the upper hand.  If Bill even looks at DeeDee, Hurricane Jessica blows him off his board and back into her arms.  Can Bill escape Jessica's undertow, or is he in over his head?  

This book was published in 1984 and this is my first time reading it. The cover is pretty meh again. Both these people look like they're WAY over 16 but we're used to that.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

In the last book, Liz woke up from her coma a brand new woman. She broke up with Todd, flirted her way through half the school while avoiding all her responsibilities and almost smashed Bruce before hitting her head again and returning to normal. At the end of the book, Jess tricked Bill into thinking she was Liz so they could go on a date. When he said he loved her, she revealed she was truly Jess.

We begin with Jess and Bill rehearsing for the spring play. She's completely humiliating him in front of everyone by claiming that he's not kissing her right just so he'll kiss her over and over. It's really not very nice and he's clearly super embarrassed about it. The director finally calls it to an end and tells them that rehearsal is over. Jess doesn't feel bad about it because Bill rejected her in the past.

“Jessica never forgot an insult, especially one as serious as someone refusing the golden opportunity to go out with her. Bill Chase was only getting what he so richly deserved.”

Humble girl, our Jess.

She tells us that her little ploy to get him to fall in love with her worked and now he's bending over backwards to do anything she says. She's just stringing him along to get some form of revenge on him in typical Jess style. Liz tries to tell her that it's a crappy thing to do but Jess is having too much fun to care.

Liz walks away and spies Todd down the hall with his arm around a beautiful girl. She goes up to see what's going on and he introduces her to his old friend Patsy. She's been living in Paris but now she's back home in Sweet Valley. After Patsy wanders off, Todd admits that the two of them used to date but reassures Liz that they're just friends now. Liz is determined to trust him but feels very insecure because Patsy's so beautiful.

But I thought the twins were the most beautiful in all the land? That's what everyone keeps telling us anyway.

Todd and Liz end up walking to class with Bill and someone named DeeDee who is also in the school play. Bill is feeling unsure about his future as a thespian (mostly because Jess made him feel so insecure in front of everyone) but DeeDee insists that he was born to be a star. Methinks that DeeDee might have a bit of a crush on Bill. Turns out DeeDee's dad is some kind of talent agent so Bill seems to take her fawning to heart. He offers to help her learn how to surf and it seems like the two of them might be getting a little flirty but then Jess appears. She's walking with another boy but she blows a kiss to Bill which seems to spellbind him and he forgets all about DeeDee entirely.

Liz feels bad for Bill so she tracks him down to have a talk with him about Jess.  She knows Jess isn't into him but instead of just saying that, she tells him that Jess isn't the type to settle down with just one guy.  Bill already knows that because he's not blind and he's not an idiot.  He tells Liz that he's okay with standing in line for the smallest crumb of Jess's affection.  Lis is disappointed that he didn't seem to get her message even though she didn't actually deliver her message at all and he got the one she gave him.

Afterwards, Liz calls Todd to talk to him about her good deed and how Bill was too stupid to read her mind.  Todd's mom tells her sympathetically that he isn't there. Liz immediately knows that Todd must be with Patsy because why else would his mom feel bad for her? She wonders if she and Bill are going to have to form some kind of lonely hearts club.

We hop into Bill's head as he tells us all about his last relationship. It was with a girl who looked a lot like Jess/Liz named Julianne and they were madly in love.......well, as madly in love as Freshmen get. One night they had a fight because he thought she was flirting with another guy and she stormed off mad. He never got the chance to apologize because she was killed in a car crash hours later. He's still devastated about it and cries every time he thinks about her. He was still grieving for her the first time Jess asked him out and that's why he turned her down. He didn't want to be with a girl who looked so much like Julianne when he couldn't be with the real thing.  It just wasn't the right time and that's how his fate got sealed.

We skip ahead a few days. Everyone is at the beach. Jess is pissed that Bill is giving DeeDee surfing lessons so she lassos him in and makes sure he's giving her all his attention. When she sees some dude named Tom head their way, she sends Bill to the Dairi Burger to get her a snack so she can flirt with Tom unimpeded. Liz disapproves but she is too busy being worried about the appearance of Patsy to say anything to her sister.

Patsy and Todd end up going swimming and start splashing each other and frolicking about. Liz is crushed. She walks back to the parking lot to get a book out of Todd's car because her beach day is pretty much ruined. Along the way she runs into Enid and Olivia and they ask her what's wrong. She gestures toward Todd and Patsy in explanation.  Olivia says she knew Patsy when she she lived in Sweet Valley the first time. Liz asks if Patsy and Todd were truly in love back then and Olivia says it seemed like they were.  Liz asks how they broke up and Olivia says she doesn't think they ever really did – Patsy just moved away. Liz frets that Todd never got over Patsy and he might still be in love with her.

We hop into DeeDee's head just long enough for her to tell us that she's falling in love with Bill and she thinks Jess is manipulating him.

#duh

We skip ahead to the next school day. Todd is ranting to Liz about Jess and how awful she's being to Bill.  Liz also knows that Jess is being awful to Bill but she feels compelled to defend her sister even though it's ridiculous. She thinks to herself that it's okay if SHE is critical about Jess but it's not okay if anyone else is. Ooooookay Liz. They get into a little bit of an argument and Todd ends up apologizing even though he's not wrong. Liz asks if she'll see him after school and he tells her he's going to the play rehearsal to support Bill.  

Have the two of them always been friends?  I feel like I missed something somewhere.

Later, Liz runs into DeeDee who mentions that Patsy is finding all the costumes for the play. Liz freaks the fuck out. She thinks Todd has been spending so much time at rehearsals not to support Bill but so he can be with Patsy. She also thinks he “tried to pick a fight” with her about Jess because he wants to break up with her to be with Patsy.

Liz, he wasn't picking a fight.  He was pointing out something that you and everyone else is very aware of.  You made it into a fight when you chose to defend someone who doesn't deserve a defense.

Sigh.

At rehearsal, Todd tries to talk to Bill. Unlike Liz, he doesn't expect Bill to read his mind and he tells him outright that Jess isn't really into him, she just likes jerking him around. Because he's direct and specific, it actually gets through.  Bill thinks about how different it feels to be with Jess than it did to be with Julianne. Julianne had been his best friend as well as his girlfriend and he felt like he could talk to her for hours and tell her anything. It's not like that with Jess. He isn't ready to give it up, though, and tells Todd he can take care of himself.

We skip ahead to Saturday. They've been in rehearsal all day and Jess is fed up with it. She's also fed up with all the attention Bill is paying to DeeDee. She goes over to invite him to come swimming at her house after rehearsal but he tells her that he's giving DeeDee a surfing lesson. Jess pouts and tells him she was really looking forward to swimming with him. You know, because she doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. Bill clearly wants to go with Jess instead so DeeDee lets him off the hook and tells him that she'll just surf alone. Jess wins again.

As she's leaving rehearsal, DeeDee bumps into some dude named Roger. She asks him if he's going over to Jessica's house to swim but he says he needs to be somewhere. DeeDee tells us that he's always rushing off somewhere but he never says where he's going or what he's doing so she assumes he's a spy. Because that's just the logical conclusion.

I mean the guy either has a kid or a job.  Since this is Sweet Valley, I'm going to say he has a job which is something that none of these privileged princesses can relate to.

We land in Bill's head again. He's at the pool party but he isn't having much fun. Jess has been totally ignoring him and spending all her time with Tom. He feels lousy about it and then realizes that's probably how DeeDee felt when he broke plans with her to come here. He thinks about how easy it is to talk to DeeDee and how she reminds him of how things used to be with Julianna. But Jess looks more like Julianna physically and I guess that's the part of her that Bill liked best because he seems to care more about how she looked than the kind of person she was.

Bill's kind of a dick. He doesn't deserve how Jess is treating him but he's kind of a dick.

Liz comes home and finds out that the entire drama department (including Todd and Patsy) are in her backyard. She decides to join them in the water but when she steps outside she sees Todd putting sunscreen on Patsy who has the top of her bikini undone while she lays face down on a deck chair. Liz freaks out and runs back inside. Todd tries to talk to her but Liz refuses and tells him their date later is canceled.

#childish

Jess comes up to talk to Liz and find out what's going on. Liz tells her all about Todd and Patsy. Jess somehow manages to make her feel worse about things rather than better.  It's one of Jess's best talents.

Suddenly we get a new side plot. In the middle of all this pool party drama, Liz wants to get some kind of summer internship with some guy named Pendergast. She doesn't tell us what Pendergast does or what kind of internship it would be. All we know is he works in the same building as her father's law offices and he often hires interns to be cheap labor.  This whole thing is just wedged in here out of the clear fucking sky so we know what it is.

She changes out of her bikini and drives over to meet him.  The first thing she sees is Roger in a janitor's uniform mopping the floor. He looks super embarrassed and begs her not to tell anyone that he works there. She blows it off and says she thinks it's admirable that he has so much ambition and she thinks other kids will admire him too for earning some extra pocket money. He tells her that he has to work to help his family pay rent and now she's the one who's embarrassed. She instantly feels nothing but pity for him and promises not to tell anyone she saw him.  There's no more mention of Pendegrast or the internship so clearly it was an afterthought that Pascal shoehorned in here to make sure we all knew Roger was poor.

We skip ahead to the dress rehearsal of the play. DeeDee's dad the talent agent is in the audience for some reason.  I guess he's getting some kind of special screening.  After the performance, DeeDee tells everyone backstage that he loved the play and he definitely saw someone in it that he thinks could be in the movies. DeeDee says she doesn't know who it is because her father didn't give a name but Jess assumes it's her. DeeDee says he'll be back for another one of the shows and he's going to bring some kind of producer with him.

I know this is the wrong blog for this, but..........

Odds that DeeDee's dad is bringing the producer to see Jess: 1%

Odds that DeeDee's dad is bringing the producer to see Bill: 99%

Enid decides to have a talk with Liz. She tells Liz that it's really not fair to decide Todd is cheating on her without any real evidence. Liz decides Enid is right and she really needs to talk to Todd. She goes to find him and discovers he's with Patsy. He's holding Patsy in his arms and rubbing her back and Liz takes that as evidence and runs off.

This is exhausting. If she would just talk to Todd this would all get straightened up. I really hate it when the protagonists of the book have issues that would cleared up with a SINGLE MATURE CONVERSATION and yet they refuse to have one. It's infuriating and a very lazy plot device used by very lazy authors. My bet is that Patsy was upset and Todd was comforting his friend. Whatever. I don't really care because Todd's a dick too. Just not in this book for a change.

Suddenly we're in the ocean with Bill and DeeDee. He's giving her a surfing lesson and trying not to think about Jess anymore. He's finally come to the realization that she's never going to date him and he's bummed about it. He's so lost in thought that he doesn't notice that DeeDee has wiped out. She's passed out, face down in the water before he sees her. He manages to drag her back to shore and somehow just being on the sand makes her start breathing again. Before she even opens her eyes, he kisses her which just feels like non-consent to me. Bad, Bill. Very bad.

DeeDee regains consciousness with Bill already kissing her. VERY BAD. She doesn't mind for some reason. They make out for awhile and then he finally pauses to see if she has a concussion. She says she's okay but there's a huge bruise on her forehead and she's feeling dizzy off and on.

Altogether now.................WALK IT OFF!!!

Bill doesn't take her to the ER or anything. They just lay on the sand and make out some more. She tells him she loves him and he says he might love her too. He's a romantic one, that Bill.

A week passes. It's time for opening night of the play – the one that the producer is supposed to attend. Liz still hasn't talked to Todd. She was sick most of the week which helped her avoid him. You know, Pascal keeps trying to shove the idea that Liz is mature beyond her years down our throat but I'm not swallowing.  Liz is one of the most childish characters in this book and that's saying a lot since they're all awful.

Jess is convinced that she's about to be discovered and she's already planning out her Hollywood life. Liz keeps telling her to calm down because nothing is certain yet but Jess isn't listening. She just knows she's going to be a star. It's super obvious that BILL is the one the producer is coming to see but I have to say I'm really looking forward to Jess hearing that. It won't make reading this book worth it but it will be fun.

The play is fabulous and they get a standing ovation. Afterwards, the producer goes up to Bill and offers to get him some screen tests. Jess is livid. She thinks DeeDee influenced it since she and Bill are a thing now. She decides the best thing to do is flirt with Bill until DeeDee gets mad and breaks up with him. She goes over and lays it on pretty thick. Bill isn't really interested but DeeDee doesn't stick around to see that. She just takes off feeling sorry for herself and for some reason he doesn't go after her.

See?  Dick.

There's a big cast party afterwards. They usually have those after the final performance but whatever.  Todd corners Liz and forces her to talk to him. Finally. They clear everything up. Patsy is just a friend and Liz is the one that Todd loves. Blah blah blah. Their story arc ends and we go back to Jess who is still flirting with Bill. Unfortunately for her, though, he tells her that he's with DeeDee now and her efforts are wasted. She tries to pretend like she doesn't care but she's humiliated .

Lila and Cara come over to give Jess shit about Bill rejecting her. She retaliates by teasing Lila about being in love with Roger. For some reason?  Nothing surrounding Roger makes any sense.  It's almost as if he was added in after the fact for some reason and Pascal just hastily wrote a few scenes in for him.  Lila loudly says that she wouldn't date Roger if he was the last boy on earth which he overhears. Lila feels bad and the book ends.

Coming up next: The reason Roger was shoved into this book that had nothing to do with him is revealed........He's the star of the next book!  Along with Lila!  Can you sense my enthusiasm?!?  I really hope Lila's not as unlikable as she's appeared thus far because that would make reading the book excruciating.  Who am I kidding?  It's going to be excruciating no matter what.

Dear Sister (SVH #7) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Can Jessica face life without Elizabeth?

From the Back of the Book: A senseless tragedy...  Sweet Valley is stunned by the news: Beautiful young Elizabeth Wakefield lies in a coma, on the brink of death after a horrible motorcycle accident.  Elizabeth's boyfriend Todd is consumed by guilt; he was driving and escaped unharmed.  He feels totally helpless.  All he can do is wait for a change in Elizabeth's condition - a change that might mean the loss of the only girl he's ever loved.  But no one is more shattered than Elizabeth's twin, Jessica.  As she keeps watch over the silent body of her sister, she's overwhelmed by despair.  Without Elizabeth, can life go on?

TRIGGER WARNING: There is an attempted assault in this book.  I will not be describing it in detail but if it's something that will harm you in any way, please skip this blog.

This book was published in 1984 and I've never read it before. The cover is pretty meh but I can't really find anything to make fun of, so we'll just move on.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

In the last book, Todd got a motorcycle that Liz was forbidden to ride because her cousin was killed in a motorcycle accident. Liz fretted a bunch because Todd was giving rides to other girls. He finally decided to sell it since it was causing them issues and she decided she wanted to take one forbidden ride before he did. They were hit by a drunk driver and Liz, who was not wearing a helmet, was severely injured and finished up the book in a coma.

We start out with Jess in Liz's hospital room. She's understandably upset that Liz is still in the coma and she feels like everyone is lying to her when they tell her Liz will be fine. Suddenly a doctor in a white lab coat is in the room. He puts his hand on Jess's shoulder and tells her how beautiful she is. It feels a little creepy. I mean, the hand could just be comforting but when you add it to him telling her how attractive she is, it feels very wrong. Anyway, this is the neurosurgeon Dr Edwards. He tells her that medicine has it's limitations and that she should talk to Liz and give her the will to live.

Jess is scared that Liz might die, so she starts going over the events of the night of the accident out loud for her. Except she's going over parts she wasn't even there for. I know Pascal is trying to review for us but this doesn't make sense. She's describing how Liz felt when Todd showed up with the bike and what made her get on and Jess simply has no way to know any of that. Then she reviews the first six books out loud as well and it's just as riveting as you'd expect. Naturally it works and Liz wakes up.  I think she woke up to tell Jess she didn't need the review  The neurosurgeon says her recovery is 100% due to Jessica talking to Liz and they all praise her.

This is already fucking ridiculous and it's only page 12.

It's immediately apparent that Liz is a little different after her very long sleep. She's super worried about her appearance and has Jess apply four inches of makeup to her face. Then she asks for something sexy to wear instead of the hospital gown. Jess is confused. She helps Liz get ready for a visit from Todd but Liz doesn't seem to happy about it. In fact, she pretty much gives him the cold shoulder when he arrives and tells him she's much too tired for company. He leaves feeling dejected.

Liz stays in the hospital for three weeks and then she's released with orders to stay home from school for two more weeks and rest. Even though we just skipped ahead 21 days, we immediately skip ahead 5 more. Liz is bored with bed rest and she doesn't want to read or do her homework or talk to any of her old friends. She tells Jess that she wants to have a party and Jess reminds her that she has one more week of rest before their parents will even consider it. Liz relents but says she wants to have a pool party with lots of boys as soon as she's out on “parole”. Jess is a little confused because Liz has a boyfriend but she ignores it because she's just so happy to have Liz alive.

Todd comes by but Liz refuses to see him. She asks Jess to tell him that she's sleeping and she can't have visitors. Todd is really concerned. He says he'll come back the next day but Jess tells him he should wait until Liz is able to go back to school. He asks her if Liz ever asks for him and Jess just tells him Liz has been concentrating on healing and hasn't really asked for anyone. Todd leaves, dejected again.

We take another hop to the next week and the first day that Liz is allowed to go back to school. She's wearing a green minidress which is something that she normally wouldn't wear to school. In contrast, Jess is wearing jeans and a t-shirt which isn't really typical for her either. Pascal doesn't bother to explain the wardrobe switch up at all. Of course, when they get to school, everyone keeps confusing them for each other. Liz goes to the Oracle room and does some light flirting with the borderline-inappropriate Mr Collins and then breezes off to her classes.

We skip again to the end of the week. Pascal, this is seriously getting ridiculous. It's the day of the pool party. The neglectful parents are out as usual and Jess and Liz are supposed to be setting things up. Liz runs off to the mall leaving all the work to Jess. Jess is bitter and annoyed but still so grateful that Liz is okay that she lets it slide.

Liz returns, puts on a teeny bikini and turns into the life of the party. Todd and Jess sit together on the sidelines and watch Liz work the crowd. She's doing a lot of flirting with Ken. Both Todd and Cara talk to Jess about how different Liz seems but it just makes Jess mad. She doesn't want to admit that Liz has changed since her injury. As the party progresses, however, she comes around and realizes that Liz is different now and it's forcing Jess to be different too. She ends up working the entire party to make sure food and drinks are restocked and everyone is having a good time. It's a job that Liz usually does and Jess isn't blind to that fact.

When the party ends, Liz suddenly comes down with a 'headache' and has to lay down. Jess thinks that Liz just doesn't want to clean up but then feels bad for thinking that. In the back of her mind, however, Jess is worried that Liz might have changed into her.

We skip ahead again. I don't know how far but it's a school day and it hasn't been a good one for Jess. Liz also has a bad day because she really isn't doing any homework or studying and it's starting to catch up with her. At dinner, Alice announces that they'll have houseguests for awhile. Some friends of theirs are jetting off to Europe (Pascal, this isn't Point Horror) and Ned and Alice will be babysitting their 12 year old twins, Jean and Joan. I have no idea why any sane person would ask Ned and Alice to babysit. They barely take care of their own children. Liz is pissed off and makes some comment about not wanting the little twerps around which surprises her parents. Jess rushes to cover the incident up so her parents won't think anything is wrong which is the exact opposite of what she should be doing. She should be telling her parents that Liz is acting weird.

Maybe she knows that Ned and Alice simply wouldn't care.

Sure enough, on their first night there, Ned and Alice leave to play bridge. Jess confirms with Liz that she'll be home because Jess has a date with that Danny guy from last book. They're going to the drive in and Jess makes a special point of the fact that Danny's front seat pushes back and reclines so I guess she's not planning to actually watch the movie. Liz agrees to watch the twins but then gets ready really fast and leaves the house before Jess can. Jess is too busy congratulating herself on losing 2 pounds so she doesn't look like a “blimpo” to notice. Again with this, Pascal?

Jess is infuriated when she finds out that Liz stuck her with Jean and Joan. Danny arrives and he's equally annoyed. He tells Jess that the date is off and starts to leave but she stops him. She doesn't want to be stuck at home with the twins with nothing to do. She tells him she'll make it up to him any way he wants and he agrees to take the twins to the drive in with them.

Did.....did Jess just promise some kind of sexual favor to Danny? Because it feels like she just promised some kind of sexual favor to Danny.

The next week, the guidance calls Liz in because she hasn't done any of her makeup work from when she was in the coma/hospital. Liz lies and says that the stress of studying makes her dizzy and her doctor wants her to take it easy and not worry about schoolwork for awhile. The GC seems to buy that explanation for some reason. She must not be very good at her job. When I went to school you had to have a doctor's note to get away with crap like that.

Liz somehow flirts her way into getting Winston's history term paper from him. She tells him she just wants to look it over but it's pretty clear she wants to copy it. She goes to the Oracle office and borderline-inappropriate Mr Collins tells her that she's in danger of being kicked off the paper because she is failing three courses. She give him the 'headache' and 'blacking out' story and tells him everything will be caught up soon. Then she sits down to write her Eyes and Ears column. She puts in a fake bit of news about Susan being seen with a mystery man because she wants to cause issues between Susan and Ken who are apparently dating.

Todd isn't handling things well. He knows that Liz has every right to be mad at him and break up with him because he's the reason she got hurt but the way she's acting is scaring him. He worries about her constantly and it's affecting him at school and on the court. He completely falls apart during a big game and gets thrown out for fighting. The coach benches him for several games and tells him to get his act together. Todd knows he can't as long as Liz is acting like a completely different person.

Still no one goes to Ned and Alice.  Every character in this book knows how useless they are.

As the days go on, people keep approaching Jess saying that Liz is trying to steal their boyfriends. She's defensive at first but it just keeps going on and on. Borderline-inappropriate Mr Collins gets wind of what Liz did with the Eyes and Ears column and hauls her into the office. She tries to dance her away around it and he says: “I thought you and I were never going to dish each other applesauce.”

Um.....

What?

I tried to google this little saying and came up with nothing. I've literally never heard it before.

Liz tries to play the coma card but borderline-inappropriate Collins tells her that she's fired from the paper due to her breach of ethics. When she gets home from school, she finds her parents waiting for her for once. The GC called and reported that Liz turned in Winston's term paper as her own. For some reason instead of blaming Liz, they blame Jess for not telling them there was a problem with her sister. Excuse me, sir and madam, if you weren't such neglectful parents, you would have noticed yourself.  I mean, it's crystal clear if you just talk to Liz for five minutes that something's different.  Apparently they haven't done that and I'm not at all surprised.

A few days later, Jess and Todd are stunned to see Liz driving Max's motorcycle. If you don't remember Max, he's one of those band members that Pascal sprinkles around when it suits her. Jess gets practically hysterical seeing Liz on a motorcycle again. She begs Todd to stop Liz from going with Max but Todd points out that it's not his right to tell Liz who she can see. He figured she's done with him because of the accident and it hurts but he has to accept it and move on. Jess tries to get Liz away from the motorcycle but Liz says she and Max are headed to the beach and they take off again.

Jess pleads with Todd. For some reason she's responsible for making sure that Liz stays home because Liz is now grounded due to the term paper incident. She says if her parents find out Liz is out, Jess will be punished which is just unbelievably unfair. It's Ned and Alice's job to parent Liz, not Jess's. If they want her locked down, they have to be the ones to do it. This is in no way Jess's responsibility and I feel really bad for her because I've been there. Parenting my sister was my responsibility once too and it sucked to be the one who was punished for her misdeeds. Todd feels bad for Jess too and he takes off after Max and Liz.

Todd ends up pulling up beside the motorcycle at a red light. He forcibly takes Liz off the bike and carries her over his shoulder to his car. This is a little overboard but I just don't care anymore. He tries to talk to Liz as he takes her home but she's not interested in conversation. She accuses him of kidnapping which is pretty accurate and says that she'd done with him which he already assumed. When he drops her off, she goes straight up to bed claiming she has a headache.

At the end of this chapter we get a few paragraphs from Ned and Alice telling us they are much too busy to take Jean and Joan to some kind of band audition and that Jess is going to have to do it because Liz is grounded.  I mean, giving up your day to take two preteens to a band audition sounds like a good punishment to me.  Why can't Liz do it?  Poor Jess. Why did Ned and Alice even take in these twins if they didn't have time to actually look after them? I hope Jean and Joan's parents don't read this book because if they do, they're going to be pissed.

Ned and Alice don't bother to tell Jess of her new assignment. They have Jean and Joan wake her up at 7:00am and hand her a note. Jess is pissed. She's supposed to meet Danny at the beach at noon. She has no choice, however, and drives the twins to their audition. She's hoping it will be a fast thing but they are numbers 73 and 74 or something and she ends up spending five hours there. She flies to the beach afterwards and gets a speeding ticket from an unsympathetic police officer. At the beach, she finds Danny all over some random chick in a white bikini and she storms off without approaching him. She's mad and yelling at the twins as she backs out of the parking spot and ends up getting into a minor fender bender.

Jess has really been through the ringer this book. 

We skip to a party at Lila's house. I'm assuming it's later that day but it could be the next month for all I know. Pascal is really just hopping around willy nilly. Liz is given permission to go for some reason (she's allowed to go to a party but couldn't take the twins to their audition?????) but Jess is charged with looking out for her and keeping her out of trouble. Why is this Jessica's job??? I sincerely hate Ned and Alice. They're the worst.

The premise of this party is that they all go in costume and without dates and then they see who they can pick up while they're there. People in relationships will leave with people they aren't in relationships with. Um.....Pascal is just describing a key party here, right? What the hell IS this book?

Liz pretty much flirts with everyone and ends up making a full court press for Bruce which is just bizarre. We've been in her head off and on for this entire book but Pascal hasn't bothered to have Liz clue us in on her thought process here. It's really dumb. Liz should be thinking about what she's doing and why she's doing it so why not let us see that? It's making Liz very, very 2 dimensional in this book. She's just an NPC that we're watching but we have no idea what she's thinking or feeling. That should NOT be happening.

Liz gets a little drunk and ends up leaving the party with Bruce. He suggests they take some wine and a blanket down to the beach to have a little fun and she agrees even though she's actually too drunk to consent to anything. It doesn't end up mattering, however, because Todd and Jess arrive to save the day. They pull Liz out of Bruce's car and she tells Todd he's ruining her life before she passes out cold.

We skip ahead to school now. Maybe it's Monday, maybe it's Christmas. Who the hell knows? Surfer Bill approaches Liz in the hall to ask her to some kind of dance on Saturday. She agrees to go to the dance if he'll take her surfing the next day. She says she wants to go way out like he does but Bill is a little reluctant. He's a very experienced, award-winning surfer and Liz doesn't surf at all. He warns her that it's dangerous and she says that's what she likes about it and then she walks off “sexily”. Half a page later, she also makes a date with Bruce for the same night.

We fly ahead to Saturday night. I'm not surprised, I'm just disappointed. Bill comes to pick up Liz but Liz has sneaked off with Bruce. Jess dresses up in Liz's clothes and decides to be her for the night. She hasn't been on a real date in ages and decides this one is as good as any.

Liz and Bruce are at his house. He's making a big play to get in her pants because he sees it as his “greatest conquest” to get the normally conservative twin in bed. Liz says she wants to take it slow and that they shouldn't go up to his room but then her actions don't really match her words and I'm confused. Bruce decides to get some wine because that worked pretty good before. She waits for him on his bed.

We hop over to Jess who is feeling pretty smug about her switch. She's tried to ask Bill out before but he's always turned her down so she feels some kind of satisfaction that he's out with her having a great time. He tells her he loves her, thinking it's Liz, and she tells him that she thinks he really loves her sister. Bill protests that he doesn't even like Jess which doesn't seem to hurt her feelings much.

Back with Liz. She decides that she needs to refresh her hair and makeup for Bruce so she gets back out of bed to find a bathroom. As she's walking across the floor, she trips over the edge of a rug, going down hard and hitting her head. When she gets back up, she can't remember where she is or how she got there.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Is Pascal really going to play this off as 'she hit her head and turned into someone else until she hit her head again'?

Surely not.

They do that in bad cartoons.  It's not a real thing that happens.

I can't even believe she's doing this.

Bruce comes back into the room and Liz is confused. She can't figure out what she's doing there with him. She asks him to take her home but he tells her she's going to give him what she's been teasing him with all week. He proceeds to try to assault her but she's able to get away. She runs outside and heads for the beach club because she's sure there will be people there. Along the way, she runs into Todd and collapses against him, sobbing. He realizes that she's back to her old self thanks to that trusty bonk on the head (I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE PASCAL DID THAT TO US) and they have a celebratory makeout session.

Back with Jess and Bill. He tells her he loves her again and she smiles up at him and tells him she's Jessica and then the book rather abruptly ends.  

I feel like that ending just slammed into me like a truck. This book majorly sucked. We got a little of Jess's thought process and even a little of Todd's but none of Liz's. Even though we were in her head at points in this book, it was like she was completely devoid of any kind of thought. We had no idea why she was acting the way she was acting until the very end and even that didn't make any real sense. I feel like the TV series handled this a little better having Liz acting odd because she'd almost died and she was trying to live life to the fullest so she wouldn't die without having experienced anything. That makes sense. This does not. 

Coming up next: I guess we'll be figuring out where this Bill/Jess thing goes. Yay.

Dangerous Love (SVH #6) by Francine Pascal

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Are Elizabeth and Todd heading for disaster?

From the Back of the Book: The end of the road for Todd and Elizabeth?  One of the strictest rules in the Wakefield house is "no motorcycles".  Ever since their cousin was killed in a crash, Elizabeth and Jessica have been forbidden to go near them.  So when Elizabeth's boyfriend Todd drives up on a shiny new Yamaha, she knows there's trouble ahead.  She can't ride Todd's bike, but other girls can - and do.  And the sight of those girls riding with their arms around Todd is making Elizabeth crazy with jealousy.  Todd tells her not to worry, but Elizabeth's scared of losing him.  Will Todd's new bike drive them apart?

This book was published in 1984 and I remember reading it way back in 5^th grade. I kinda remember it but nothing too in depth. This cover is something special. Her fingers are alien-esque and that is definitely not how you hold onto someone driving a motorcycle. Also, why do they look 30?

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

In the last book, very little happened. Jess went on one date with an older boy who attempted to assault her and then refused to take her home so she ended up being out all night. Liz covered for her at home and school, taking some test that was supposed to let them both be summer tour guides. Liz passed her test but failed Jess's because of a fight with Todd that led to a week-long breakup. And that was literally it. Nothing else happened. It was the most nothing book in the history of books.

Our book starts with this description of the twins in case we've forgotten how physically superior they are to everyone else in the world: “Tan, blond, with a model-sized waist and a clear, satin-smooth complexion, both she and her identical twin were among the best-looking students at Sweet Valley High.” I just want you to know that it was exceptionally hard for me to type the word “blond” without an “e”. Sigh. Anyway, Jess and Liz are driving the Spider to school because Todd now has a motorcycle and will no longer be giving them rides in his car. Todd still doesn't know that Liz has been forbidden to ride on motorcycles and he's looking forward to giving her a ride. She just keeps sidestepping the issue instead of just telling him which just shows how immature Liz is. Pascal keeps writing this as if it's the greatest romantic crises ever but it's just not that deep. Todd can ride his motorcycle all over the damn place and then use a car when they go on dates. Crises solved.

We get a little backstory about the no-motorcycles rule. Their cousin Rexy was killed at just 16-years-old when his motorcycle was involved in a head-on collision with a car. As a result, Jess thinks they should be banned from existence and her parents apparently agree. They made all their children promise never to get on one. Jess encourages Liz to just tell Todd about their cousin and the rule and it's always weird when Jess is the voice of reason in one of these books. Liz frets that he'll break up with her or something. If he does, he wasn't the person for her anyway.

I mean, he's NOT the person for her anyway but I don't think she is the person for him either, so it kind of balances out. Mostly.

We get a brief mention of Jess's new boyfriend Danny (who I'm sure will never be seen again after this book) and then the two of them arrive to school and go their separate ways. Todd isn't there yet, so Liz heads over to Enid to pass the time until he arrives. Enid is annoyed because her mother went out and bought fancy engraved invitations for her Sweet 16. Poor, poor Enid. This is a problem we can all relate to, amirite? \sarcasm font/ Enid doesn't want a fancy party. She wants to hang out with her friends at the Dairi Burger and that part I can actually relate to. I just went to the zoo with my friends on my 16^th birthday and it was perfect.

Todd arrives on his motorcycle and Liz tells us how sexy he looks on the thing. He probably does since his entire head is covered with a helmet. That's how I prefer to look at Todd, too. I'm glad he actually has a helmet since the cover art didn't bother to depict one. He tells her what kind of bike it is and, when I went to look it up, it looks exactly like the bike my dad had when I was growing up. I spent a lot of time riding around on one of those things.

Guy and Max rock up to admire the bike. We've met them before – they're members of The Droids. It's okay if you don't remember them because they really don't have personalities to speak of. Todd points out a hot pink helmet strapped to the side and asks Liz if she wants to take a ride before class. She says she needs to talk to Mr Collins and then literally runs away from him. Smooth, Liz.

At lunch, Liz finally grows the balls to tell Todd that she can't ride on his motorcycle. He's a little annoyed that she didn't tell him before but that's about the extent of it. He says he understands the way her family feels about them but he wishes she could ride with him because he really thinks she'd love it. He asks her if he can talk to her parents about it and see if they'd lift the restriction and she says 'yes' even though she's not sure she wants them to lift the restriction. They decide to do it after dinner that night.

After school, Liz heads to the Dairi Burger to check out it's renovation/grand opening. We get two pages of description about what it looks like now and what's new on the menu but I seriously couldn't care less. If you want to know, you'll have to buy the book yourself. Liz is waiting for Todd and imagining him smeared all over the road when Jess and Danny squeal into the driveway. Danny doesn't stop in time and bumps the bumper of a van owned by some dude they all call Crunch. Crunch was a star something or other on the football team until a knee injury permanently sidelined him. After that, he dropped out of school, started drinking and got a job in construction. He's known to be a bit of a brawler, especially when he's drunk.

Crunch pushes Danny around a bit but gets distracted when Todd pulls in on the motorcycle. He goes from menacing to admiring in two seconds flat and, for some reason, despite the fact it's well known that Crunch has a drinking problem, Todd tells him he can take the bike for a spin. Liz is more concerned with the fact that Todd hasn't arrived alone. A girl named Mandy is on the back of his bike. She's instantly jealous. Todd explains that he and Mandy were working on a school project together and he just gave her a ride but Liz still feels some kind of way about it.

Later, Jess grills Liz about Todd and Mandy. Jess doesn't think it's as innocent as Todd made it sound. Liz tells her that Todd is coming by to see if the motorcycle rule can be amended and that infuriates Jess who can't believe Liz would ever consider riding on one. Liz says she wasn't really considering it. She's betting on her parents saying 'no'. She's not sure what she'll do if they say 'yes'.

She needn't have worried though. Ned and Alice are barely parents at all but they do stick to their guns. They make Todd promise that Liz will never be on the back of his bike. I don't know why it's Todd's responsibility all of a sudden. It should be Liz who is asked to promise. Todd leaves and then Pascal suddenly decides to introduce a side plot. All of a sudden, Jess is interested in being introduced to Enid's cousin Brian who goes to UCLA. He's going to be at Enid's party and Jess wants to be his date. I have no idea what happened to Danny. Maybe Pascal forgot he existed for a minute or two because neither of the twins mention his name.

Liz meets Enid at the bus stop the next morning. She's back to riding the bus to school since she can't ride with Todd anymore and she only gets the Spider once in awhile. Enid is grumbling about the party planning and how over-the-top her mom is being about it. Liz sees the opportunity to bring up Brian and Jess but backs out at the last second. Todd roars up on the bike. He tells Liz that he automatically turned down her street just like he used to do every morning. She's happy to see him and rips off his visor to stick her tongue down his throat. He likes that. Enid gives them their engraved invitations and then Todd offers her a ride around the block on his bike. Enid hands her backpack to Liz and hops on. Liz is jealous all over again and crushed that people are going to see Todd riding around with another girl. The bus gets there before Todd and Enid get back so Liz rides to school on it alone, feeling very sorry for herself.

I mean.....it's Liz's very favorite way to feel so I don't feel too bad for her.

At one point during school, Liz sees Todd and Mandy huddled together in the library. They're at some Save the Whales meeting or something but she doesn't like the way Mandy is leaning into Todd with her arm around his shoulders. She wishes she was Jess and she could go in there and take charge of the situation but she just slinks away and goes to whine to Mr Collins instead. Mr Collins, rubs her shoulder pervily....ahem....I mean reassuringly and tells her that Todd won't trade her in just because she can't ride his bike. Then he talks a bit about his ex-wife and their custody battle which is wildly inappropriate but what else do we expect from this guy?

Liz talks to Enid at lunch about the motorcycle and I'm already sick to death of this topic. It never, ever ends. Liz asks Enid to set Jess up with Brian and Enid gives her a hard fucking no on that one. She tells Liz that she will never forgive Jess for what she did several books ago when Enid was dating that psycho Ronnie. Liz defends Jess and says that Enid is better off without Ronnie anyway which is true but not the fucking point. Enid refuses to budge and Liz is annoyed. Because she's a terrible person.

After school, Guy volunteers to give Liz a ride to the Dairi Burger so she doesn't have to take the bus. He links arms with her and offers to carry her books. He talks a little about the band and then does some light flirting with her, telling her how lucky Todd is to have her and putting his arm around her shoulders. He asks why Liz isn't riding around with Todd and she just says “personal reasons” so maybe I'm going to be spared reading the exact same conversation for the millionth time in a row.

Todd isn't happy to see her with Guy when they get to the Dairi Burger and tells her that he doesn't like her riding around with other guys. Which is just hypocritical and controlling of him. She says she feels the same way about him giving rides to girls on his bike and they both have a laugh at how stupid they sound. Todd tells her not to worry about Mandy because she and Winston are a thing all of a sudden. That's news to Liz and to us. Thanks for having Todd tell us what you could have easily just shown us, Pascal.

Enid calls that evening and tells Liz that she's decided to leave the past in the past. She'll fix Jess up with Brian because she thinks he'll have a fun night with her. They talk a little about the party. Enid complains that her mom isn't really listening to what she wants. She feels like the party is way more important to her mother than she is and that it's turning into her mother's party. Liz reassures Enid that her mother loves her and that she's probably just excited. When the phone call ends, she goes to tell Jess that Enid's going to set her up with Brian after all. Jess is super excited. Liz smugly thinks that her life is just perfect now.

We skip to Enid's party. Liz hitches a ride with Jess and Brian because Todd couldn't borrow a car. I really don't know what happened to the one he had before. Maybe he sold it when he got the bike? Anyway he's supposed to meet her there but he never shows. Midnight comes and the party breaks up. They're all going somewhere else and Enid offers to give Liz a ride but she wants to wait for Todd for some reason. He finally shows up after everyone else has left. He tells her that he's late because he's been talking to Crunch. He's decided to sell the motorcycle because he knows it bothers Liz so much. He tells her that he doesn't like not being able to take her places and he hates seeing her go home with other people. The motorcycle was always his dream but so is she and he doesn't like it that one is interfering with the other.

Liz and Todd kiss for a bit and then Enid's mother interrupts to ask if Liz wants her to call a cab or something. Liz says she'll just ride with Todd since it's the last chance she'll have. Todd doesn't like this idea. One, he promised his parents and, two, he doesn't have the extra helmet. She says that they're just going a few blocks and she'll be fine. He eventually gives in but he's still not happy about it.

On the way to the club, an intoxicated Crunch runs into them. Liz is seriously injured and ends up in a coma. In the waiting room, the Wakefields scream at Todd and Steven pretty much tries to choke him. They blame him entirely even though he didn't force Liz on that bike. He's crushed and sobs in a corner alone.

Liz survives the night and tests show that there's no brain damage. Still, she remains in the coma. The book ends with Todd and Jess sitting by her beside feeling horribly guilty.

This book didn't really set up the next one except for the fact that we know it will continue the story of Liz's recovery. Because you know she'll recover. There's 3000 of these books.

A little more happened than the last time at least but it was still pretty padded. She could have cut last book and this book down a bit and combined them into one. It would have been less boring to read. Marginally.

All Night Long (SVH #5) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch-move the twins made this book.


Tag Line: Is Jessica as grown-up as she thinks she is?

From the Back of the Book: Has Jessica gone too far?  Elizabeth Wakefield knows her beautiful twin can handle almost any guy - most boys are just no match for Jessica's seductive charms.  But Scott Daniels, Jessica's latest love is more man than boy, much older and much more experienced than anyone Jessica's ever dated.  When Jessica sneaks off to a college beach party with Scott, Elizabeth's afraid of what could happen.  And when her twin isn't back by morning, Elizabeth's fear turns to alarm.  Where's Jessica?  Why has she stayed out all night long?

This book was published in 1984 and this is my first time reading it. Can we talk about this cover though? Wow. Did they look for the creepiest guy imaginable for this or what? That pornstache is on another level. Also, why is Jessica just half wearing her shirt all crooked like that? It looks super weird.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

In the last book, the entire school tortures Robin over her weight until she gets skinny and then everyone loves her. It was a dumpster fire and I refuse to even link it here for you to review. I want to forget it ever happened.

We begin with Jess planning to go to a party with some guy named Scott. Pascal tries to make the case that when Jess is being mischievous her eyes are green and when she's being innocent her eyes are blue. I'm not sure Pascal knows how eye color works. Anyway, Jess has been forbidden to go to this lake party because it will be full of college kids but she's not letting that stop her. She's planning to tell her mother that she's with her friend Cara and it will probably work because Alice rarely pays any attention to her kids whatsoever. Liz doesn't think Jess should go because the crowd is too “fast” but Jess just makes fun of Liz for being a grandmother.

#okayboomer

Apparently the twins have some test the morning after this party to get their tourist guide licenses. If they pass, they'll be able to make summer money giving tours of Sweet Valley. Liz thinks Jess should stay home and prepare for the test but Jess says she can handle it. She asks Liz to cover for her if Alice happens to ask where she is but Liz says she won't lie for Jess. Jess bursts into tears and says that sisters are supposed to stick up for each other and Liz feels bad. As usual.

(((I thought that maybe school was already out for the summer since they were taking their tourist guide tests on a Monday morning but, no.  Apparently these tests for a summer job are being given at the school during school hours.  It's weird.  Anyway, back to the story.)))

Instead of going to the party at the lake, Liz, Enid and Todd head to the beach for the afternoon. Liz is fretting about potentially being put on the spot by Alice later but not so much that she doesn't notice some surf god out on the waves. Todd says his name is Sonny and he's a shoe-in to win some surfing competition. Liz muses that Bill will be upset about that and for some reason I can't even remember who Bill is. Did we meet him already? I have no clue. Liz describes him as a loner without many friends so maybe he's new? {{{shrug}}}

Chapter two has us hopping into Jess's head at the party. She's feeling a little out of place among the college crowd but doing her best to hide it. The boys are all in the water goofing off but Jess and most of the girls are laying around on the ground working on their tans. One of them warns Jess that Scott has a reputation around campus but before she can ask if it's any worse than hers, Scott rocks up to interrupt the conversation. He nuzzles Jess's neck and his pornstache tickles the inside of her ear. I might have died a little inside just now. She teases him a little and he gets pretty aggressive with her, pushing her onto her back and kissing her hard. She knows she's okay with all the girls around but worries about what might happen when they're alone.

Um.

You shouldn't be worried about that, Jess. You should be confident that he will respect your boundaries and only act with consent. The fact that you aren't tells me that you shouldn't be with him at all.

Beer is broken out and a joint makes the rounds. Jess pretends she wants to wash her feet off so she can get out of there without having to say 'no' to the marijuana like a punk-ass baby. Scott catches up with her and tells her he wants to take a walk. He's been drinking and he's had a couple of hits off the joint so Jess thinks it will be okay. Because............? I guess she thinks he's too high to cause trouble? I don't know. This makes no sense to me at all.

Scott leads them to some kind of a boat house in the woods.  Because people often park their boats in the middle of woods.  As they walk, he keeps putting his hand down her bikini bottom even though she repeatedly removes it. Inside the structure, he makes a full court press and she dodges to get away from him. Unfortunately, she trips and falls and he takes that as an invite to get on top of her and start untying her bikini strings. Jess is worried because she's always been able to handle boys but “Scott was more of a man than a boy, she realized with rising panic. Someone who wasn't about to take no from a girl who led him on.”

Pascal.

Seriously.

I just want to talk.  Loud and with my fists.

Jess tells him to stop but he ignores that. She says she'll scream and he tells her that no one will come to help her if she does. She tries to charm her way out of it and then she asks him to take her home but he tells her the party is an all-nighter and if she needs to go home, she'll just have to find her own way. He leaves and she's left to retie her bikini.

Jess immediately gets lost in the woods and starts cursing the fact that she dropped out of girl scouts because that kind of training might have helped her. Bitch, my child was in scouts and all they learned to do was sell cookies and be friendly. She's bitter that Liz didn't make her stay in scouts and so the whole incident becomes Liz's fault. As usual. She eventually finds her way to a cabin. To her surprise, the party has been relocated here. Scott tells her that no one will take her home until morning so she might as well get comfortable. Then he passes out cold. Jess resigns herself to her fate and tries to think up excuses her mom might buy for her being out all night.

Liz wakes up on Monday morning just 30 minutes before she has to be at school. She goes to make sure Jess is up and finds that her sister didn't sleep in her bed. It scares Liz at first but then she just gets angry and decides that Jess can just find her way out of this situation. THE GIRL IS 16 YEARS OLD AND SHE DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT. TELL YOUR FUCKING PARENTS!!!! Not that they'll care. But seriously, Liz doesn't know if Jess is in some kind of serious trouble here. The fact that she just shrugs it off disturbs me greatly.  Jess eventually calls and let's Liz know that she's okay but Liz didn't know that for a good long time and still did nothing.  In the end, she decides to cover for Jess because to do otherwise would ruin her entire martyr persona.

Liz makes an appearance as herself, leaves, sneaks back in, changes into Jess's clothes and then makes an appearance as Jess. Distracted Alice doesn't even notice. Liz is stuck in Jess's clothes at school, though, and Enid almost refuses to talk to her. Before class, Todd tells her that he's finally saved up enough money for his motorcycle. Liz is conflicted. She's happy for him but her parents' most strict rule is that their daughters never ride on a motorcycle. Seems like a weird thing to be strict about when they don't even know where their daughters are half the time but whatevs.

Liz is fretting about Jess missing her tourist guide test and considers just taking it for her since their tests are staggered an hour apart. Todd thinks it's a bad idea and points out that Jess uses Liz too much but Liz feels guilty. Because.....reasons. I can't figure Liz out at all. She gets pissed at Todd and tells him that he's only being such an ass because he doesn't like Jess. I mean, Todd's an ass all the time but okay. He tells her that she's too easy on her sister and she yells at him that he's calling her a cheat and an idiot. Which.....no?  Not really.  For some reason this leads them to break up and I. Am. Confusion.

I seriously have no idea what happened there. I guess Pascal needed some more conflict but that was just dumb.

Liz ends up taking the test for Jess but she's pretty sure she failed even though it was the exact same questions, just worded a little different. She was so broken up over her fight with Todd that she just blanked. Enid tries to comfort her but I don't know why. She shouldn't have been taking the test for Jess in the first place. Liz sobs about Jess not being a tourist guide and Todd never talking to her again. Enid tries to soothe her but it's pretty clear that Enid thinks Liz fucked all this up herself. 

#teamEnid

Mr Collins (the semi-inappropriate journalism teacher) asks Liz to cover the surfing competition that weekend because their usual sports guy will be on another assignment. Liz is thrilled to have any chance at at byline. Collins offers to give her a ride home because she “looks pale” but Liz says she needs the fresh air and will walk. As she's leaving the school, Jess finally comes in. She complains to Liz about Scott being a douche and then bounds off to cheer practice without a care in the world.

And that, dear readers, is the last time we hear about Scott at all.  Wasn't this book supposed to be about him and Jess?  I'm so confused.  Again.

A week passes and Liz and Todd have not patched things up. The world weeps. The tour guide test results are posted. Liz passed but “Jess” did not. Jess thinks Liz bombed the test on purpose because she was jealous. Liz points out that she never should have been taking the test for Jess in the first place but Jess waves that off. That doesn't matter. All that matters is that Liz betrayed her for some selfish reason. Liz doesn't bother to defend herself because that would just ruin her martyr complex. She feels awful about not passing the test for Jess.

Liz goes outside to sit on the bleachers and mope. Todd rocks up and says he doesn't really want to apologize because he feels like they were equally wrong in the situation (WRONG! IT WAS ALL LIZ.). He just wants to call a truce and move on because he misses and loves Liz. She misses and loves him too, so she agrees to just forget the last week ever happened and they make out. I guess that's all wrapped up now.

Jess ends up getting a retest because she told them she'd been sick during the test or something. It's backed up by the fact that she missed all her classes that day so it looks legit. She apologizes to Liz about blowing up on her and that's wrapped up too.

We skip to the surfing competition on Saturday. It turns out Bill has been skipping school to practice on his new surfboard (sold to him by Todd who needed the money for his motorcycle). The competition starts. Sonny has more speed and power but Bill has more grace and style. Bill ends up winning by six points. Jessica doesn't attend because she's come down with poison oak from her trek through the woods back in chapter two.

Wait.

She didn't show symptoms for OVER A WEEK? Is that even possible? I'm going to Google.

Okay, it says that most cases appear within 24-48 hours after exposure, but in rare cases it can be 6 days. I still feel like it's been way too long.

The book suddenly ends by setting up the next book. Todd will be getting his motorcycle the next Friday and he wants Liz to take a ride with him on Saturday. She still hasn't told him her parents have forbidden her to ride.

So this book was a waste of a tree. Nothing really happened. It said it was about Jess and Scott but he was gone by the end of chapter two and never really mentioned again. Liz and Todd broke up and got back together a chapter later but otherwise this was really a non-entry in the series. I only took three-and-a-half pages of notes. Why did Pascal even bother with this one? At least Enid came back.

Power Play (SVH #4) by Francine Pascal

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch-move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: The Wakefield twins have taken sides - against each other.

From the Back of the Book: Elizabeth and Jessica in a tug of war.... Chubby Robin Wilson has been following Jessica around for months.  First she wanted to be her friend - now she wants to join Pi Beta Alpha, Sweet Valley High's snobby sorority.  When Elizabeth, Jessica's twin, nominates Robin for the sorority, Jessica is furious.  Robin may be friendly and smart but she's certainly not beautiful and popular enough to be a Pi Beta.  Jessica's determined to find a way to keep Robin out.  But Elizabeth is just as determined to make Robin a sorority sister.  Soon the twins are locked in a struggle that develops into the biggest power play at Sweet Valley High......

So my manager reads the backs of the books aloud to me so I can type them in.  They paused midway through to rant about why Liz would nominate Robin for membership in a sorority full of people so toxic towards her.  "Is she just doing it to feel morally superior?" they asked.  All I could do was nod, friends.  Liz is the actual worst.

This book was published in 1983 and I am 99.999% sure I didn't read this one. I know this will horrify some of you but I didn't read this series in order. What I read depended on what the library had checked in at the time so I sometimes read one in the 30's and then one in the teens.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

In the last book, the Droids almost made it big, Jessica began dating Bruce which turned into a completely toxic relationship where she gave up every bit of herself for him and we were introduced to Robin who only dreamed of being in the sorority. If you want more than that, you're going to have to read the recap. I'm not doing all the work for you.   Playing With Fire (SVH #3)

We begin with this sentence: “Elizabeth Wakefield didn't know how messy things would get with Robin Wilson and the sorority pledging, until she was in too deep to back out.” It feels like an awkward way to begin a book, but you do you, Pascal. She's really assuming we read the last book and remember the last paragraph of it here because otherwise we just landed right in the middle of something we got no beginning to. The section goes on to tell us that Jess is now president of Pi Beta Alpha (hereafter known as PBA) and Elizabeth rarely goes to meetings because she's too busy writing the Eyes and Ears column for the school paper. She reminds us that she used to be anonymous but now everyone knows who writes it. She says something about Mr Collins (the slightly pervy paper advisor) telling her not to abuse anonymous power and then the section ends with this: “It was advice Elizabeth would recall when she confronted another kind of anonymous power – one that threatened to tear Robin Wilson and the Pi Beta's apart.” This is the most heavy-handed example of foreshadowing that I've ever encountered.

This book might kill me y'all.

NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: I can't recap this book as usual. I got about 30 pages in and the amount of abuse they hurl at this girl Robin because of her weight is extremely troubling. The language they use toward her and the lengths they go to humiliate her is devastating. I can't recap it in my usual way because it's just too horrific. So, this recap will be pretty vague bullet points from here on out. Trust me when I tell you that the way they speak to and about this girl is disgusting and I just can't expose you to that.

*Elizabeth finds out from Robin's mom that Robin is thinking of dropping out of school because she's unpopular. She asks Liz to make sure that Robin is nominated for PBA membership. Liz knows Jess won't do it because Robin isn't attractive enough so she decides to do it herself.

*There's a weird subplot about Lila giving Jess a bunch of expensive things. Liz makes this out to be a grand conspiracy of some sort. We'll find out I guess.

*Liz nominates Robin for PBA and the rest of the sorority is very unhappy about it. Jess vows to make Robin's initiation as uncomfortable as possible in the hopes that Robin will just quit and not pledge the sorority.

*Robin's first task is to run around the school track 5 times a day for a week. Half the school turns up to watch and scream hateful, disgusting things at her while she does it. No one stops them or tells them that this behavior is abusive and gross. This is the part that completely broke me down and why we're only getting bullet points for this recap.

*Robin completes her week of jogging and then she's told that she'll have to show up at the beach the next day in a bikini to play volleyball. Clearly this task is designed to completely humiliate her in public. Liz goes along and tries to make the day as easy for Robin as possible but people are disgusting about her appearance as always. Even Pascal refers to her robe as a “tent”. #fuckyouPascal

*Robin is told that her last task is to get Bruce to take her to the Discomarathon. She cries about it to Liz who decides she has to fix it somehow. She promises Bruce a feature in the paper if he'll take Robin to the dance. He agrees. After a lot of name-calling. I don't know why Liz feels so good about herself after this. She just set Robin up to spend a night with a man who she knows is abusive due to the way he treated her sister last book. She knows what he says about Robin to her face. Why would she feel good about having Robin spend an entire evening with this person? Liz is a sanctimonious idiot.

*PS Pascal refers to every single thing Robin wears as a “tent”. It's not even one of the characters thinking it or saying it. It's how Pascal is describing it. She clearly had some issues around weight that she probably should have explored with a therapist.

*The day of the dance happens. Robin arrives with Bruce and everyone laughs at her because the entire fucking school is full of awful people. Bruce brings her out onto the dance floor in the middle of everyone, makes some disgusting comments about her weight and then walks off. Seriously, Liz, how did you not see this coming? She's so fucking stupid.

*Enid and Liz try to cheer Robin up but she's understandably distraught. She tells them she's leaving school for good and then she takes off.

*Liz crashes into Allen who she describes as the “tallest, smartest, shyest boy at Sweet Valley High” which is news to me because I thought Winston was the smartest. Liz asks Allen to stop Robin from leaving while she goes to track down Todd for some reason.

*Allen chases down Robin and kindly asks her if there's some kind of help he can give her. She makes fun of the way he's stuttering which is just fucking charming considering what people just did to her. I hate EVERYONE. Except maybe Allen because he seems nice so far. I'm sure that will change.

*Robin basically tells him he's too pathetic to help her and he walks away. She realizes what a bitch she's being and she calls after him. She apologizes for yelling at him and them immediately says she's surprised to see him at a dance because he's such a loser. Who the fuck am I supposed to root for here?  #teamAllen

*The two of them go back in and dance together once. It's awkward because neither really knows how to slow dance and everyone is laughing at them because the entirety of SVH SUCKS. Afterwards, Allen asks if he can take Robin home and she agrees. So I have no idea what Liz's plan with Todd was.  Pascal never mentions it again.  It's like she forgot entirely.

*The next day Liz goes to the mall to pick up a watch her mother was having repaired. She discovers a tiny little boutique that seems new and goes in. Everything is super expensive and she notices a scarf just like the one Lila gave Jess and a ring that Lila was wearing the other day. A saleswoman comes over to talk to her and tells her that they've had a problem with shoplifting lately. Liz suspects Lila or Jess.

*PBA holds the vote for new members. Boxes are passed around and the members put a white marble in for the people they want to induct and a black marble for the ones they don't. It only takes one black marble to be “blackballed” and banned from the sorority. Robin gets blackballed (clearly by Jess because no one else would dare). She doesn't take it well at all and Liz worries she might do something drastic.

*Liz decides that the best thing to do is write an article about snobbery at SV for the paper. I mean, she's an expert and all but this will probably just add to Robin's humiliation.  Not that Liz cares.  She feels pretty damn proud of herself for doing it afterwards.

*Liz blames Jess for ruining Robin's life by pretending to be her friend and making it look like she might get in PBA. Jess tells Liz that she's the reason Robin got humiliated at the dance. They're both awful people. At least Jess doesn't pretend she isn't.

*Weeks go by. Robin walks through the halls like a ghost, talking to no one. Lila starts wearing a lot of flashy clothes and jewelry.

*Liz confronts Jess about shoplifting. Jess denies.

*Liz goes to the mall to look for a birthday present for Todd. Because she's 60 at heart, she decides to get him a new watchband. While at the jewelry store, she sees Lila shoplift a bracelet.

*Liz notices that Robin is losing weight and this is considered character development I guess. Sigh.

*Lila and Jess go to the mall and Jess gets detained because the person at the jewelry store remembers seeing “her” (Liz) at the counter when the bracelet went missing. Liz tells Lila that she knows about the shoplifting and Lila blames it on the fact that her dad never pays attention to her. Liz marches her in to come clean to the security staff and Lila's dad is called. They make sure Jess doesn't know and Liz promises not to tell anyone else.

*Lila is given six months of probation and her dad pays restitution. As long as she stays out of trouble for the six months, no further action will be taken.

*Robin decides to try out for the cheer team. Apparently in just a few weeks she's lost all her extra weight and is now a gorgeous stunner. Because she couldn't have been gorgeous and curvy at the same time. #fuckyouPascal. She not only makes the team, she's made co-captain which is just ridiculous. At this point I'm going to refer Pascal to r/thathappened.

*Bruce follows the “new” Robin around with his tongue hanging out. He can't believe how hot she is. Everyone else treats her better too because you should always base how you treat people on how much they weigh.

*Liz submits a bunch of stories to the town paper. They're all rejected.

*Jess wants to be “football queen”. I don't know what it is and I don't care. She wants Liz to favor her when she writes about the candidates in the school paper but Liz refuses.

*Robin begins to campaign for queen by informing the entire school that the members of PBA blackballed her and are now trying to prevent her from running for queen. This is a total lie because PBA has no influence over who runs for queen but it serves to turn people against the sorority sisters.

*Robin wins queen. The PBA offers her membership and she turns them down. She also disses Bruce and starts dating Allen.  Poor Allen.

*The book ends by setting up the next one. Jess starts spending a lot of time on the beach with a college-aged artist named Scott. Liz worries that Jess is in over her head again.

P.S. Enid was only in this book for about two pages and I think she had one line of dialogue.  What's up with that?

So I tallied the number of times that Robin's weight was mentioned in what I would consider a bullying or abusive manner. FIFTY TIMES IN 150 PAGES!!! It was disgusting. What's more disgusting is that NONE of the people who did it learned anything. They never realized how wrong it was to make fun of a person because of her weight. They never got called out for the things they said or did to her. She lost weight and they all decided to be her friend because she was suddenly worthy in their eyes. It was horrible and Pascal should have been ashamed of herself for writing this. Imagine the message it sent to the young kids reading it. The curvy girls learned they aren't worth anything until they're skinny and the bullies learned it's okay to call someone “tub of lard” and “butterball” because it's their own fault they're fat. I've never hated a book or an author as much as I do now.