Showdown (SVH #19) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Jessica and Lila are in love with the same boy!

From the Back of the Book: More than she bargained for...When Lila Fowler's mysterious new boyfriend finally appears at her pool party, Jessica Wakefield is dazzled. Jack is handsome, sexy and exciting – even more perfect than Lila described him. So Jessica wastes no time making sure he notices her too. Unknown to Lila, Jack dates both girls – Jessica during the week and Lila on weekends. But the sight of Lila's happy face on Monday mornings is more than Jessica can stand! Jessica's twin sister Elizabeth warns her to drop Jack before she really gets hurt. But Jessica would rather get Lila out of the picture. Then Jack will be hers – all hers.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. Jess looks about 30 on the cover and I swear this is a different model for Lila. I wish they would find one and stick to it.

In the last book, Regina and Bruce dated until she left the country to have a procedure that might restore her hearing. Jess and Lila made a bet that resulted in Lila writing a subpar term paper for Jess because Jess is hecking dumb. There was a stupid school carnival that amounted to absolutely nothing. Lila met some construction worker named Jack that she assumed was a rich dude in disguise. And Bruce won some election because everyone felt bad for him.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Winston was curiously absent from this book.  Steven is also gone.  His name wasn't even mentioned.  I'm really worried about him, y'all.  To be fair, Bruce was mentioned once but never seen so I'm not sure he's okay either.

Released from the Wakefield Dungeon: George and Ned both flew the dingy coop in this book.  I feel like it was on brand for Ned to just leave his son down there without a backwards glance.

The book begins with Liz and Jess discussing the pool party that Lila is holding to introduce everyone to Jack. Jess is already talking about stealing Jack away from Lila even though she hasn't met him yet, has no idea what he looks like and doesn't know if he's a serial killer. Sounds about right. Liz reminds her that she's going to the party with some guy named Neil that I'm pretty sure has never been mentioned before and probably will never be mentioned again. Jess says that she and Neil have a casual relationship and they're both free to see other people but Liz seems to think he's more into Jess than Jess is into him.

Not that it matters because we all know he's a non-character.

We skip to the party where Liz is stretching her “lithe, tanned body” out on a towel next to Todd while taking in his “lean, muscular build”. Pascal is really obsessed with bodies. They're basically just basking in each other's perfectness when Enid rocks up with her boyfriend George who hasn't been seen for so many books that I forgot he existed. I guess he's been chilling out in one corner of the dungeon. He starts babbling about taking flying lessons and apparently Robin is also in his class. You mean she's going to do something other than drink Diet Cokes so we won't forget she was once overweight? I'm not sure if this whole flying thing is a sub plot or not. I'm kind of hoping it isn't.

Pascal mentions every single character who ever existed in the next five sentences. They're swimming or playing badminton (like teenagers LOVE to do) or strumming guitars. It's ridiculous. It's like someone reminded her that these people live in Sweet Valley too and she figured she'd throw them all into the same paragraph. I'm not going to list them out for you. None of it's important. The only thing of note is that Jack hasn't shown up yet and Lila is freaking out.

Eventually Jack arrives and all the girls swoon at how gorgeous he is. Jess immediately makes a beeline for him and tries to get his attention but Lila is too smart for that and keeps directing him away. She takes him to meet all the people who have come to the party. Nicholas says he looks familiar which freaks Jack the fuck out because clearly he's hiding something but no one else picks up on it. Jack continues to evade questions about himself all afternoon and by the end of the party, all Jess knows about him is that he's a construction worker taking a gap year before he starts college. She makes sure to give him her number and suggests that they can get together for some fun sometime.

After the party, when they're all alone, Lila questions Jack some more about his life before SV. He swears her to secrecy and then tells her that his dad is a very powerful, very rich, very controlling man and Jack has run off to live his own life for once. Lila tries to get him to reveal the identity of his father but Jack refuses. Pascal is making it sound like Jack's dad is the head of the mafia or something and he's probably just some regular guy who worked for Nicholas' dad or something.

Odds that Lila is going to keep any of this secret: 0%

Jack won't tell her who his dad is but he has plenty to say about his sister Valerie. He goes on and on about the things they used to do together and all the fun they had.

Odds that Valerie is really his sister: 15%

They talk for awhile and then Lila's father gets home. Lila doesn't want her dad to see her talking to one of the construction workers so she urges Jack to leave without being seen. He agrees but asks her out for the following Friday, claiming he's too busy to see her during the week. As soon as he leaves, Lila calls Cara (the biggest gossip in the school now that Caroline is reformed) to tell her everything Jack told her.

So much for secrecy.

Oh, and I told you so.

Our B-plot emerges in the third chapter. Liz is temporarily acting as editor for the school paper because the real editor is out with mono. She finds a really good picture of the school football star kissing a teddy bear before the game but no one knows who took it. She asks around the newsroom but no one will claim it. She decides to run it anyway and vows to solve the mystery of the unknown photographer.

Lila seems pretty pissed all day and finally someone asks her what's up. She says her dad is mad because a pair of expensive cuff links went missing after the party. Wow, Pascal isn't subtle.

Odds Jack stole the cuff links: 100%

He's so clearly an effin' Justin that anything bad that happens in this book is going to be 100% him.

Jack calls Jess after school and asks her out for Wednesday evening. Jess is thrilled that she'll go on a date with him two days before Lila.

We skip ahead to Wednesday. Jack picks Jess up, giving her a single, long-stemmed rose. He charms Ned and Alice a little which means Ned has finally been released from the Wakefield dungeon! I guess he didn't spring Steven on his way. Sadge. Jack takes Jess to the beach where they walk in the sand. She tries to ask him about his past and he gets a little testy with her which makes her instantly apologize and back off. He tells her that he just wants to be his own man and then he kisses her.

For all her swagger, Jess is really subservient in relationships.  She lets boys walk all over her and she continually apologizes for their shitty behavior.  I think maybe Ned and Alice need to look into why she's like this and maybe sort out some counseling.

We skip to the next day and move back to the B-plot. Liz is heading over to editor Penny's house for some help with the paper. She tells us that two more pictures were shoved under the door of the newspaper room and no one knows who took them. The first one is of the principal crawling around on his hands and knees looking for something and the other is of the strictest teacher on campus petting a tiny kitten.

Penny meets with Liz for a bit and Liz shows her the article that Robin wrote about this flying class. I'm still not sure it's a  subplot because we haven't hopped into Robin's head or gone to a class so I'm just keeping an eye on it. Penny asks if Robin has ever written before and Liz reminds her that Robin used to write as an outlet when she was fat and unpopular. Now that she's skinny and a cheerleader she doesn't have time for such things.

I fucking hate Pascal.

I'm going to have to bring back old Gale if this keeps up.

We skip to Monday. Lila comes in looking all loved up and Jess is instantly jealous. Lila says she went out with Jack on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and they just had the dreamiest time ever. Jess is crushed. She thought after their date on Wednesday, Jack would be calling it off with Lila. Now she has to listen to the entire school talk about Lila's wonderful weekend and she can't tell any of them that she's dating Jack too. She asks Liz for advice and Liz tells her to forget about Jack and move on. Jess doesn't want to do that. She wants Jack all for herself.

In a flash, it's Tuesday night and Jess is all dressed up for a date with Jack. Liz bursts her bubble a little by reminding her that he spent all weekend with Lila but Jess is determined that she's going to win this little competition. Then, for no reason at all, the twins get into a huge tickle fight which is just odd. Why, Pascal? Why? Has she ever met real human beings before?

Todd and Jack show up at the same time. Jess is upset because she didn't want anyone but Liz to know she was snaking her friend's boyfriend. Jack's eyes are red-rimmed and a little puffy. Liz asks him if he's feeling okay and he tells her he was just swimming and the chlorine irritated his eyes.

So that's clearly bullshit. What do we think it is? Was he crying because he's a tragic, misunderstood scumbag? Drinking? Drugs? Maybe he's just allergic to the Wakefields. I'd buy that. They're pretty toxic.

At the movies, Jess tries to pay for their popcorn but discovers her wallet is missing. She's sure she had it in her purse when she left the house but Jack reassures her that it's probably just in her bedroom or something. He buys the popcorn and they watch the movie which seems to be about the Beatles. Afterwards they talk about concerts and he says he saw The Police in concert when he was in prep school in Hartford. Jess is thrilled to have a couple of clues to his mysterious past.

Odds that Jack stole Jess' wallet: 100 effing Justin percent 

She confronts him about seeing Lila and he gets super angry for a minute before he calms himself down. Jess is actually a little scared of him but talks herself out of it a second later.

Always trust your instincts, people. Always.

Jack explains that he went out with Lila on Friday to pay her back for inviting him to the pool party and then she invited him sailing on Saturday. He says he went but it was just two friends hanging out. Sunday he says he ran into her at the mall and they had lunch. He swears there was nothing romantic between them and Jess eats it up because it's what she wants to hear. Jack promises to friendzone Lila on Friday when he sees her next.  Jess doesn't even question why he and Lila have another date on the books because she has her head buried deep in the sand.

We skip to 9:00pm on Thursday. Liz is just finishing up in the newspaper office and locking the door. She's the only one there which would NEVER happen in real life. A member of staff would definitely have to be present if a student was working on something at that hour. Anyway, she turns to go down the hall and bumps into Penny's sister Tina. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Tina is the mystery photographer from the B-plot. We're only halfway through the book so it's surprising that Pascal is giving us the reveal this early. Tina doesn't think her sister will approve of her work so she's been submitting it in secret. Liz encourages her to let Penny in on the secret and then she looks through the latest batch of pictures.

So I guess the flying lessons ARE the C-plot because one of the pictures is of George (Enid's boyfriend) making out with Robin (who was dating Allen last time I knew).

I hate everything.

Liz agonizes over whether to tell Enid and how to tell Enid. Something tells me she's not going to tell Enid anything at all.

We skip to Saturday night. I think. Jack and Lila are lounging around her empty house drinking wine. Jack tells her he loves her and wants to marry her but they have to keep their relationship a secret so his dad doesn't find him. She's crushed. She wants to tell everyone that she's landed this amazing catch. By the end of the date, Lila assumes she's engaged.

Odds that Jack plans to rob her blind: 100%

Liz decides to show up at the flight school on Sunday afternoon to confront George and Robin. She finds them hugging or something and they guiltily tell her that they've fallen in love. Robin says she told Allen that morning and George swears he's going to tell Enid after he takes her up on his first solo flight.

Shouldn't he have had a solo flight before he got his license? I'm confused. At any rate, I wouldn't let a teenage boy fly me anywhere.

Lila comes down with something on Sunday so she can't go on her date with Jack. As soon as she cancels, he calls Jess and asks her out instead. She assumes this means he's broken up with Lila. They go to the pizza place where Jack entertains her with tales of snorkeling with his sister Valerie in the Caribbean. Suddenly his face gets angry and his hands clench. Jess turns to see what he's staring at and notices that Nicholas has walked in with some unidentified red-haired boy. Jack seems really unhappy to see them.

Jack gets up immediately and tells Jess he's going to pay the check and meet her out at the car. She's confused. She goes over to say hello to Nicholas and he introduces his friend David who went to prep school with him on the east coast the previous year. When Jess joins Jack outside, he apologizes for his rude behavior. He tells her that he recognized David and he's afraid David might contact his father. Jess forgives him immediately. He asks if she wants to come back to his place and she agrees.

Back in the pizza place, Nicholas and David discuss Jack. Nicholas swears he looks like a guy that was around campus the first couple of weeks after he transferred to whatever east coast prep school he met David at. David agrees that he looks familiar and scours his memory for why. Finally he says that he thinks Jack was expelled not long after Nicholas arrived. Apparently he robbed his girlfriend at knife point and the school kicked him out. Nicholas freaks out and says they have to go rescue Jess.

As they're driving, David fills Nicholas in on Jack. Jack's entire family was killed in a boating accident and after that, Jack started slipping into a fantasy world where they still existed but he was estranged from them. He began doing drugs and stealing things to pay for the drug habit and to buy things to make it seem like he came from money. I have no idea how David knows any of this when he wasn't even sure he recognized Jack in the first place. Pascal is fond of having some random person come out of nowhere with all the pieces to the puzzle. It's so annoying.  And incredibly lazy.

Nicholas and David eventually find Liz and fill her in on everything. She has no idea where Jack and Jess might be but joins the hunt.

We hop into Jess's head now. She's at Jack's shabby apartment and she's pretty disappointed that he lives in such an ugly place. He tells her that he's proud of himself for living without his father's help but she just thinks it's a miserable, horrible place. He offers to show her some pictures of the snorkeling trip he was talking about earlier and she's excited for the glimpse into his life. The first thing she notices is that the pictures seem to be from a number of years ago. She asks if he has any more recent pictures and he gets oddly angry again. She's afraid but he calms down quickly.

Jess is a little on guard now. She feels like he's hiding something so she asks if she can use his bathroom and then she snoops through his stuff. Under the sink she finds a box full of drugs and then does the stupidest thing imaginable. She takes the box and confronts Jack with it. He's standing with his hand in her purse and she loses it, accusing him of stealing her wallet when they went to the movies and Lila's dad's cuff links. He gets furious and lunges at her, wrapping his hands around her throat.

Liz calls Lila and explains what's happening. Lila gives Liz Jack's address and goes back to bed, thankful that she didn't end up in the mess that Jess is in. Liz goes to the apartment building with David and Nicholas. After some fumbling around, they figure out which apartment Jack is in.

We're back with Jess. Jack tells her that he has a good thing going with the Lila situation and he can't let her ruin it for him. He heavily implies that he's going to kill her. The rescue squad reaches the door and Jess manages to call for help. Nicholas and David break through the door as Jack grabs a knife. There's a struggle and Nicholas gets stabbed in the arm. Then....I can't believe I have to write this.....Jessica delivers her “strongest, best cheerleading kick” to Jack's arm and makes him drop the knife.

I fucking hate Pascal.

Everyone goes to the police station next. Jess wants Jack to rot in prison but Ned and Alice tell her that counseling would do him more good than jail time. They all talk about how troubled he is and how they feel sorry for him. Suddenly a voice comes over the radio to announce that there's a plane in trouble at the airfield and Liz just knows that it's George and Enid despite having no prior knowledge that they were making their flight that day.

This book kind of sucked. I've been saying all along that I thought the books might be better if Pascal focused more on the main plot and left off the side plots. This book proved my theory incorrect.  The B-plot and C-plot barely got any attention at all in this book and the A-plot still suffered from some pretty lazy writing. Pascal used David as a crutch because she couldn't figure out how to do the reveal in more organic way. Couldn't Liz have found some old articles in her capacity as SVH's most intrepid reporter? Or maybe Nicholas could have done some digging because it was bothering him that he thought he recognized Jack? Introducing this random character who didn't even get a good look at Jack before dumping all this info on us was really, really lazy. So apparently it isn't juggling plots that makes Pascal bad at telling a story.

Coming up next: the plane thing. I hate everything.

Head Over Heels (SVH #18) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Can Bruce Patman really fall in love?

From the Back of the Book: Do opposites attract...Bruce Patman and Regina Morrow in love? No one at Sweet Valley High can believe it. Regina is beautiful and shy, one of the nicest girls in school. Bruce is a real snob and the only person he's ever cared about is himself. Jessica Wakefield figures the romance can't last. She knows Bruce too well. She's even willing to bet Lila Fowler that Bruce and Regina break up within two weeks. The stakes are high and Jessica can't afford to lose. If she has her way, Regina and Bruce won't be together for long.

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. I have no idea who that is on the cover but it definitely isn't Bruce. They really should be more consistent with the cover models.

#fuckcontinuity

In the last book, Caroline continued to fake love letters from a very fake “Adam” until she got caught. It ended okay for her though. Liz wrote a play for a competition and, of course, won. The twins found out that Alice had received a job offer and made it their mission to convince her to keep the family in Sweet Valley. Oddly enough, Steven didn't appear during any of this and was never once mentioned. I guess I need to start my “Missing, Presumed Dead” section again. And Bruce started showing an interest in Regina who was never told about the time he sexually assaulted Liz or all the times he sexually harassed Jess.

Missing, Presumed Dead: Steven must still be chained up in the Wakefield dungeon. At least he has company because Ned wasn't mentioned once in this book either.

Released From the Wakefield Dungeon: Winston, Enid and Ken all celebrated their release by joining a carnival committee. To each their own, I guess. Nicholas also made an appearance after not having been mentioned since book 14 or so.

We get hit with our B-plot almost immediately in this book. Just pages into the first chapter, Liz mentions that she's in charge of the carnival committee. The “carnival” is really just a couple of tents with a few games to raise money for “handicapped children”. It's scheduled in 12 days and Liz doesn't really know what she's doing yet. She asks Jess for suggestions but Jess is too worried about her term paper to help. On the way to school, the twins pass the A-plot. Neither of them can figure out what Regina sees in Bruce, though Liz does give him credit for acting more like a human being than usual around her.

Chapter two gives us the release of two prisoners from the Wakefield Dungeon. Winston who was only mentioned in passing in the last book, and Enid who wasn't mentioned at all both show up to be part of the B-plot. I hope they waved to Steven on their way out of the dungeon. Todd, Liz, Winston, Enid, Olivia and Roger sit around the lunch table and talk about how they should talk about the carnival. They don't though. They're too busy watching our A-plot to do any real work.

We hop in Jess's head during lunch. She and Lila are also watching the A-plot from across the room. Lila is pissy because she still hates Regina from that magazine thing two books ago. Jess is pissy because Bruce never gave her half the attention he's giving Regina. He spends all his time with her and looks like he actually cares about her. Jess thinks it will last two weeks tops. Lila asks if she wants to bet and our C-plot emerges. I think this is the fastest Pascal has ever introduced the first three plots. Anyway, if Bruce and Regina aren't broken up by carnival, Jess has to write Lila's term paper. If they are broken up, Lila has to write Jess's. To be honest, I'd never put my term paper in anyone else's hands. Yeah, they suck to write, but I'd never trust anyone else to do a good job. Especially not Lila. Jess isn't being very smart. Even if she wins, Lila could turn in a crap paper and Jess would be screwed.

Odds that Lila turns in a crap term paper for Jess: 99.9%

Chapter three gives us our D-plot. Pascal really just jammed these in here this time. Lila's dad summons her to his office after school but he's not ready when she gets there, so she has to sit outside and wait. A lot next door or across the street or something is under construction and she notices one of the workers is young and hot. He approaches and introduces himself as Jack. Based on the previous pattern of these books, where the D-plot becomes the A-plot of the next book, I'm guessing Lila/Jack will be the focus of book #19. Lila tries to impress Jack by mentioning that her dad owns the building she's parked in front of but he doesn't seem to care much. He goes back to work and she's all kinds of intrigued.

We hop back into Liz's head to touch base with the B-plot. She's at the carnival committee meeting and I'm shocked to see that Ken has made a reappearance. That poor guy has been locked up in the Wakefield Dungeon so long that I've been considering taking him out of the intro cast list. He's on the committee now with fellow dungeon survivors Enid and Winston. Todd, Roger and Olivia make up the rest of the non-Liz members but I think we already figured that out. At the beginning of the meeting, Regina comes in and Mr Collins announces that her mother is the parent advisor for the committee. Olivia is going to be in charge of decorations and prizes because she's an artist. Ken and some friends are going to build the booths. Enid and Regina are going to take care of refreshments. Todd and Roger are going to figure out the games. Winston is going to be the MC and Liz is going to boss everyone around. Big surprise there.  It's what she does best.

Somehow we get an E-plot. Sigh. Have we ever made it to an E-plot before? Ken is running for president of some stupid committee that I really don't care about. He's running unopposed at the moment, but Liz thinks that someone will join the race because the position is so important. Todd bets her a hot fudge sundae that no one else enters and Ken wins. Hopefully this won't amount to much. We've spent so much time on all these stupid side plots that we've barely even discussed the A-plot at all.

As if Pascal is reading my mind, we finally get back to the A-plot. Regina is eating dinner with Bruce's family and Mrs Patman is being really idiotic. When she talks to Regina, she talks super loud as if volume is Regina's issue. Bruce keeps telling her to speak normally because Regina can read lips but Mrs Patman doesn't seem to understand what she's doing wrong. It's awkward for everyone. Mrs Patman seems pretty jealous that Regina's mom was asked to the parent advisor and not her and she gets even more jealous when she hears that Lila's dad is donating all the wood for the booths. She immediately says she'll call Regina's mom and see what the Patmans can donate.

After dinner, Bruce and Regina go outside to watch the sun set over the valley. Somehow even though it's dark and they're sitting side-by-side, Regina can read Bruce's lips perfectly. Come to think of it, she could also read Mrs Patman's lips perfectly even though she was looking at Bruce instead. I'm not sure Pascal knows how lip reading works. Bruce tells Regina he loves her and she's giddy. He's the first boy who has ever even touched her and he was her first kiss. She tells him she loves him too and vows not to let anyone ever separate them.  Which is weird because no one is talking about separating them.  Except Jess, of course.

We hop into Regina's dad's head now. I feel like an intruder. We've never been in his head before. I hope we can find our way around. Regina's mom tells him that Mrs Patman has called and is offering to match all the money they make at the carnival. Mr Morrow thinks this is an amazing thing but Mrs Morrow thinks it's performative. It definitely is but Mr Morrow reminds her that money is money and the organization will be thankful for it no matter what the intentions of the giver were. Mrs Morrow seems overwhelmed with the idea of being the parent advisor and goes upstairs to rest with a headache. We then get a HUGE info dump. Mr Morrow thinks about how carefree his wife used to be. She was a model and continued to work after their son Nicholas was born. When she got pregnant with Regina, she decided to do one last photo shoot and then retire. It was a swimsuit shoot and she had a bit of a bump so her agent asked her to take diet pills to reduce her weight. Against the advice of literally everyone, she decided to take the pills. The pills caused the damaged to Regina's ears that resulted in her deafness. Mrs Morrow feels responsible and gets guilt headaches all the time.

I'm not sure how scientific any of this is but okay.

Regina comes home after her date and finds her family in the living room with glasses of champagne. Everyone looks so happy and she asks them what is going on. They tell her that she's been accepted into an experimental treatment program with a doctor in Switzerland. He's had amazing success in restoring hearing in cases like Regina's but it will take a year and she'll have to live at the clinic full time. They expect her to be excited at the chance that she could regain full hearing but she's devastated. She doesn't want to leave Bruce so she tells them that she doesn't want to have the treatment.

I know, I know. We can all see what a stupid decision this is but I think I would have made the same one at 16 years old. If I had a boyfriend back then that I felt like I was madly in love with, I wouldn't have wanted to leave him for a year either. We all make stupid decisions at 16. It's part of growing up.

Bruce picks Regina up the next morning and drives her to school. Despite the fact that he's facing forward the entire time as he drives, she somehow is able to read his lips from beside him. Pascal. When people lip read, they also look at things like teeth and tongue position to help them understand what's being said. You can't see these things from the side. There's no way she's understanding him this accurately in these conditions. Being with Bruce just convinces Regina that going to Switzerland would be the worst thing ever.

We leave our A-plot for our B-plot now. Liz goes to the Morrow house to talk to Mrs Morrow. She finds her disheveled and tear-streaked. Mrs Morrow explains the entire Switzerland thing to Liz and asks her to talk to Regina. Liz says she will but she she doesn't because she feels awkward about interfering in such an important matter.

Since when?

After school the next day, our E-plot comes back to bite us. Ken comes up to Jess who is waiting for Cara so they can go swimsuit shopping. He's upset because Bruce has decided to run against him for president of that thing I don't care about. I guess Liz owes Todd a hot fudge sundae.  Jess tries to reassure him that he's more popular than Bruce and sure to win but Ken points out that Bruce has risen in public opinion since he's been dating Regina. Jess wonders if she can use this to her advantage for the C-plot. She figures she can tell Regina that Bruce only started dating her to raise his public image enough that he could win the election. It does sound like something Bruce might do.

We go back to our B-plot. Jess infiltrates the committee to suggest a mother/daughter fashion show. I don't know what she's up to and which plot it's going to tie into but......okay.

We get back to the A-plot. Regina arrives home to find that they have a visitor for the weekend. His name is Donald and he was cured by the procedure her parents want her to have. The two of talk a bunch and Regina admits that she'd like to have the procedure done but she can't go to Switzerland for a year. Donald lets the subject drop.

We skip to the next day. Jess goes to Regina's house to ask if she and her mom will take part in the mother/daughter fashion show. Regina is sure that her mom will refuse but Mrs Morrow surprises her by being into the idea. After Mrs Morrow goes back inside, Jess plants the seed that Bruce is only dating Regina to repair his reputation for the E-plot. Regina dismisses it but a small prickle of doubt forms in her mind. On her way out, Jess runs into Donald who falls instantly in love with her because he's clearly understood his assignment as a minor character in this series. She flirts with him for a bit and then drives away.

The next day, Regina goes on a picnic with Bruce. She tries to subtly introduce the topic of the election but Bruce never takes the bait. Finally she just asks him about it point blank. Bruce still tries to avoid the topic which makes her extremely suspicious. We don't need to be suspicious, however, because Pascal gives us a brief hop into Bruce's head where he find out that he's pretty sure he's going to lose and he doesn't want Regina to see him as a loser, so he decided not to tell her he's running. He plans to only tell her if he wins and keep it from her if he loses.

THIS MAKES NO SENSE! The student body votes in this fucking election. Regina would see his name on the ballot. There's no way he could have kept it from her. Fucking hell, Pascal. You can't even try to make it make sense.

Regina is furious because she's decided from this minuscule of information that Jess is correct. She tells Bruce that she never wants to talk to him again. He's incredibly confused because he has no idea what's going on. His ego is stung, though, and he tells her that breaking up is fine with him even though it isn't.

He hop to Liz and Todd arriving at the Morrow house. They're supposed to be meeting about the carnival but none of the Morrows are there. Donald answers the door and thinks Liz is Jess. He starts flirting with her and alluding to the fact that she was flirting with him earlier. Todd goes rabid. Liz is confused and tries to tell Todd she's never seen Donald before in her life. Todd refuses to believe her and stomps off. Liz can't figure out what happened.

THIS ALSO MAKES NO SENSE. Liz is a fucking IDENTICAL TWIN. People mistake her for her sister ALL THE FUCKING TIME. As soon as Donald started acting like he knew her, she would immediately assume that he met Jess. Plus she knew Jess went to the Morrow house at some point to talk to them about the fashion show.

By the way, Todd is fucking toxic and shouldn't be anyone's boyfriend.

Monday morning Regina asks to talk to Liz alone. She tells her that she won't be able to do the fashion show on Saturday because she's leaving Friday morning for Switzerland. Liz is thrilled that Regina has decided to try the treatment. She asks about Bruce and Regina tells her that Bruce was only dating her to win the election. It sounds like something Bruce would definitely do so Liz believes it immediately. She wishes Regina luck with the procedure and they both talk about how much they'll miss each other.

After school, Liz finally talks with Jess and figures out the entire Donald situation. I mean, Liz must be hella fucking dumb not to have figured it out before that point. Todd hasn't spoken to her in days but she figures she can just call and explain everything and go back to how it was before. Like I said, hella fucking dumb. You shouldn't want to date a person who acts like that, Liz. Technically no one should date her either. She's just as toxic in different ways.

Jess goes to rub Lila's nose in the fact that she lost the bet for the C-plot. She's feeling pretty smug until Lila tells her that she's going to go track down Jack after school instead of going to the library. Finally it seems to sink in that Lila might not give her term paper the attention it needs. Jess begins to internally panic. I can't believe it took her this long to see the problem with the C-plot.

Everyone is hella fucking dumb.

Bruce approaches Liz and asks her if she knows why Regina broke up with him. He still really doesn't have a clue. Liz tells him about the rumor that made Regina upset and Bruce is appalled. He jumps up, resolving to go explain everything to Regina right away but Liz stops him. She tells him about Switzerland and how Regina was going to turn down the treatment because she didn't want to leave him. That hits Bruce pretty hard. He says he doesn't want Regina to leave town thinking he never loved her but he doesn't want her to turn down treatment either. Liz is stunned when he starts to cry.

I refuse to feel bad for Bruce. His personality will go back to normal as soon as the plot changes.

Bruce decides to write a letter to Regina explaining everything but he wants to make sure she doesn't read it until after she's in Switzerland because he loves her enough to want her to get the treatments. He asks Liz to sneak it in her suitcase or something so Regina won't find it until she gets there. Liz agrees and ends up tucking it into a scrapbook that Regina plans to take with her.

The day of the E-plot, Liz campaigns hard for Bruce. She tells all her friends what happened and gets them to agree to vote for him too. I feel bad for Ken who seems to be an okay person most of the time. Why should he lose to a douche like Bruce just because Pascal decided to give him ONE redeeming plotline?

The plots start wrapping up super quickly. Regina reads Bruce's letter on the plane and falls back in love with him instantly so the A-plot concludes. The carnival is a raging success and raises $800 so the B-plot concludes. Lila writes Jess's term paper and Jess gets a 'D' so the C-plot concludes. Bruce beats Ken in the election so the E-plot concludes. I'm not even joking when I tell you that these all wrap up in a few paragraphs. Pascal ended them at the same speed she introduced them.  I think I have whiplash.

The book ends with Lila going back to her father's office to try to track down Jack. She hasn't managed to find him since that first time but he's there today. She lies and says she's there to talk to her dad about going to the Riviera for the summer and Jack tells her that he once sailed off the south of France. Lila takes this to mean that he's secretly rich and he has some romantic reason for working construction right now. She figures he'll reveal everything to her as soon as he falls in love with her. She's already in love with him.

SHE'S TALKED TO HIM TWO TIMES FOR LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES EACH. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIS AGE OR HIS LAST NAME! I'm so fucking done with Pascal. Luckily I'm also done with this book because that wrapped up the D-plot until it becomes the A-plot for the next book.

Odds that Jack is secretly rich: 5%

Odds that Jack is a douche: 90%

Coming Up Next: Lila and Jack I guess.

If Pascal gives me FIVE FUCKING PLOTS again, I swear............

Love Letters (SVH # 17) by Francine Pascal

 **This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Is Caroline's romance for real?

From the Back of the Book: Make believe romance.... Caroline Pearce has always been one of the least popular girls at Sweet Valley High. But when she invents a new out-of-town boyfriend, people finally start to pay attention to her. Brown-eyed, six-foot Adam and his romantic love letters are the talk of the school. Caroline has everyone fooled – even clever Jessica Wakefield. But what begins as a bid for love and attention quickly becomes the worst jam of Caroline's life when her friends insist on meeting the boyfriend she's been bragging about. Can Caroline keep the truth a secret, or will her lies be her downfall?

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. I swear the Caroline character on the cover looks like someone but I can't figure it out. This is not a strong suit of mine. I tried to Google to see if I could find something but no luck this time. Maybe it will come to me after I stare at it for a month doing this recap.

In the last book, Roger moved into the Patman mansion to being living the life his birth father denied him. He had a lot of friction with Mrs Patman and Bruce and ended up breaking up with Olivia for awhile because his family didn't approve of her but found his courage to be himself in the end. I still say Olivia shouldn't have taken him back though. Our B-plot involved Regina becoming a cover model for a magazine and making Lila jealous. In the C-plot, Caroline waved around love letters from her new boyfriend Adam that felt mildly like he was threatening to kill her. And Liz entering some kind of playwriting contest became our D-plot. That one didn't really have any impact so I'm wondering if it will show up in this book.

This book begins with Caroline thinking back on the party that ended our last book. She tells us that she's felt left out and invisible for most of her life but that all seemed to change when she invented a boyfriend. Now people want to talk to her and about her. She's usually the one doing the talking. Her sister calls her a gossip but Caroline says that she's only trying to keep up with what everyone's doing because she feels so left out of things. Caroline seems like a very lonely person and I can relate to that. I was lonely in school too until my junior year.

Caroline finally gets out of bed and dresses for the beach. The previous evening, she heard Jess and Cara talking about going to the beach and kind of invited herself along. Jess never committed to anything but Caroline figures she can just show up at the Wakefield house and make sure she's included.

We hop into Jess' head. She's spied Caroline through the window and begs Liz to get rid of her. Liz is busy with that playwriting contest so I guess that's going to be our B-plot for the book. Jess manages to convince Liz to do her dirty work yet again, so Liz goes down to answer the door. Caroline asks if Liz and Jess are going to the beach and Liz tells her that she's too busy working on the play. Caroline tries to give her a few compliments but she's awkward and they come across as insults. Liz gets irritated with her and tells her that she should go ahead to the beach and Jess might be along eventually.

Caroline is crushed. She walks down the driveway where the Wakefield trash can has been knocked over. As she picks it up, she notices a piece of paper addressed to some kind of company in San Francisco signed by Alice. She picks it up and reads it. We're given the impression that it's pretty juicy stuff but we don't get to find out what it is.

This letter is clearly a copy.  Why would Alice bother to make a copy of something that she's just going to throw in the trash.  This makes no sense.  Pascal just needed to introduce a C-plot and had no idea how to do it in a logical way.

Hours pass. Caroline eventually finds Jess, Lila and Cara on the beach. Lila is still grumbling about that magazine cover that Regina got while Jess works on her tan and Cara laments about the lack of eligible boys. Caroline spills some random gossip that I doubt will be important.  Talk turns to Adam and the girls press Caroline for when he's coming to Sweet Valley. She straight panics and runs off to talk to someone else.

She's not exactly good at diverting suspicion.

While she's gone, the other girls make fun of her. Jess is doing a very unflattering imitation when Caroline comes up behind her. Stung, Caroline asks Jess how she's going to feel when she has to move out of Sweet Valley. Jess has no idea what she's talking about, so Caroline produces the letter she took from the garbage. It's a letter Alice sent to a design firm in San Fran thanking them for their job offer and telling them she was seriously considering it. So San Fran is now officially our C-plot. I really wish Pascal would stick to one plot and do it well instead of introducing three that she's going to do poorly.

Jess goes home pretty much immediately and shows the letter to Liz. They're both pretty freaked out about the idea of moving. When Ned and Alice get home, Jess tearfully confronts them. Things quickly go downhill with Jess dramatically claiming that Ned and Alice are ruining her life and Ned getting pissed that Jess isn't proud of her mother. He says that the decision hasn't been made yet but it's pretty clear that they are leaning toward San Fran. 

Of course, they aren't going to go. If they did, Pascal would have to rename the entire series.

Jess ends up getting sent to her room like a child and Liz follows. She's so upset about the idea of moving that she feels physically ill but she knows that throwing a tantrum isn't going to get them anywhere.

Seriously?

Since when?

Historically speaking, throwing a tantrum has always worked out well for Jess.

Liz goes to Jess and tells her that they need to come up with some kind of plan to convince their parents to stay in Sweet Valley. I'm sure it will be a work of pure genius. {{{sarcasm font}}}

Later, Liz and Todd go on a date. He can tell that something's bothering her but she doesn't want to tell him about the potential move so she lies and says she's worried about the B-plot. He reassures her that her play is going to win because the entire town of Sweet Valley knows the fucking rules when it comes to Elizabeth Wakefield and any competitions. When that doesn't immediately change her mood, he demands that she stop looking so down. Wow, Todd. Way to be a douche.

They get to the Dairi Burger where Roger and Olivia are waiting for them. As soon as they sit down, Caroline approaches the table. She asks Liz to apologize to Jess for her because she's realized it was unfair to bring up their mother's drama in front of Jess's friends. Of course, this gets Todd's attention and he angrily demands that Liz tell him what Caroline is talking about.

I really hate Todd.

We don't get to hear that conversation. There's a brief scene with Jess trying to convince Ned that she will evaporate completely if they move but it really amounts to nothing but page filler before we hop into Caroline's head. Caroline is at the library looking for a book of Robert Browning's poetry. I think that's what she's been using to fake the Adam letters and it's pretty clear how she's going to get caught because Liz is basing her play on Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. Pascal showed her cards on that one way too fast.

Phase one of the Grand Plan is to go to the civic center and sign Ned and Alice up for the Sweet Valley newsletter. They ask the volunteer to send their parents lots of brochures and pamphlets about how wonderful SV is. They think this will remind Ned and Alice of how much they love SV so they won't want to leave.

As expected, pure genius. {{{sarcasm font}}}

We hop into Caroline's head. She tells her older sister Anita about Adam and lets her read the letters. Anita seems pretty impressed and offers to give Caroline a makeover. She helps her find some flattering clothes and cuts her hair or something. She goes to school feeling really confident on Monday but that's soon shattered by several people getting mad at her over gossip she's been spreading. Caroline really doesn't understand what the fuss is all about – she's only trying to help people out by keeping them informed. She runs across Bill who is Liz's competition for the B-plot. She mentions that she saw him talking to the drama teacher earlier and he gets really defensive which leads Caroline to assume that he's getting help on his play. She runs right over to tell Liz that Bill is cheating.

Liz gets irritated immediately, but after Caroline moves on, she talks it over with Todd. Todd points out that Bill isn't the type to cheat on anything and the drama teacher is running the contest, so there's no way he's helping Bill out.  Besides, everyone KNOWS the fucking rules about how Liz HAS to win every competition she enters.  IT'S THE LAW.  Liz sees the logic in this. She drops the topic entirely when she sees Bruce sit down next to Regina.

We hop into Bruce's head. He awkwardly asks Regina to go for a ride with him after school and she ropes him into helping her with her math before she accepts. It was boring. I don't know why it was there.

Oh, hell.  Is this the D-plot?  We don't need a D-plot, Pascal.  The three you are totally mangling are enough.

Caroline goes to sit with Jess and Lila. She produces another letter from Adam and lets them read it. The girls press her for when they'll be meeting Adam and Caroline begins to feel like she's sliding down a very slippery slope. She panics, wondering how long she can keep this lie going before everyone finds out.

This is basically the entire book.  People demand proof of Adam and Caroline panics.  It's repeated over and over and over.

That night, Liz and Jess surprise their parents with dinner. They've gotten takeout from all their parents' favorite, nostalgic restaurants to remind them of how much they love Sweet Valley. After dinner, Liz asks them to sit and listen to her read her play. As she reads it, Jess begins to recognize some of the language from Adam's letters. She can barely sit still through the rest of the play.

As soon as Liz is done, Jess dashes off to call Lila. She tells Lila that Adam's letters are definitely letters that Robert Browning wrote to Elizabeth Barrett. She thinks that Caroline has been faking Adam's existence and writing the letters herself. Lila is more willing to give Caroline the benefit of the doubt. She thinks Adam exists but he's been plagiarizing letters to send to Caroline. They both vow to get to the bottom of things.

At the next sorority meeting, Jess and Lila corner Caroline and press her about when Adam is coming to visit. Caroline immediately gets super flustered. Lila tells Caroline that they're going to throw Adam a “welcome to Sweet Valley” party the next weekend and he better be there. Caroline tries to deflect but Jess basically says that if he loves her, he'll come to the party and Caroline feels like her back is against the wall.

A 'welcome to Sweet Valley' party makes NO SENSE.  Seriously.  He isn't moving there.  He doesn't even hypothetically spend much time there.

The twins spend the rest of the chapter putting the next phase of their Grand Plan into action. Jess announces she's doing a history project on urban decay and produces several articles about crime and earthquakes in San Fran. Her parents immediately see through this but Jess is feeling too smug to notice. Liz announces that they want to treat Ned and Alice to dinner at the restaurant where he proposed and then sadly laments that they'll probably never eat there again once they move. Again, Ned and Alice know what's up but the twins still count this as a victory because they are the most obtuse people ever.

Caroline gets to school an hour early on Friday. She goes to the journalism room and finds a stack of newspapers from all over the state. Quickly locating the one from the town she's claimed Adam is from, she finds a random boy on the sports page and tears the picture out, hoping to pretend that it's Adam. She shows it to the girls at lunch but they aren't very impressed by it. She tells them that she's going to visit Adam that weekend but they clearly don't believe her.

On Saturday morning, Jess calls Ned and tells him that she's having (imaginary) car trouble out at some canyon. He's confused and asks her what the hell she's doing clear out there. She says she'll explain later and asks him to come pick her up. When he gets there, she reminds him of how much time they used to spend out there when she was younger. He tells her that he's been coming to these canyons since he was a little boy and they take a meander down memory lane for a bit. He checks over the car and then follows her back into town in case she has any further issues. As she's driving into town, she spots Caroline coming out of the grocery store. As soon as she gets home, she phones Lila and tells her that Caroline obviously lied about going to visit Adam.

On Monday morning, Caroline shows up wearing a t-shirt that says “Property of Cold Springs Athletic Dept”. It was actually something her cousin from Cold Springs gave her but she says that it was a gift from Adam. Jess is so confused. She asks Caroline if she invited Adam to Lila's party that weekend. Caroline says that Adam is short of money and can't afford the bus ticket.  Lila thwarts that by pulling a bus ticket out of her wallet. I have no idea how she knew to have one ready. It's a huge plot hole but we've come to expect those. Jess changes the subject and tells everyone that Liz will be reading her play in the competition Friday night. She makes sure that Caroline knows the subject of the play and Caroline instantly knows that Jess knows. What's worse, the entire school is going to know as soon as Liz reads her play.

We get a few paragraphs of Liz talking to Regina about Bruce because that is, indeed, our D-plot. Regina is clearly smitten and Liz tries to warn her away. Regina says she's aware of Bruce's reputation but he's been incredibly sweet to her. Liz drops it instead of mentioning that Bruce has sexually harassed and/or assaulted several people in the past 16 books, including Liz herself.  I think that would have been information that Regina needed to have.

Caroline asks Liz to meet with her after school. She confesses everything – saying she made up Adam because she was lonely and she wanted to fit in. Liz is pretty nice about it, encouraging Caroline to just tell the truth before anyone else can expose her. Caroline begs her not to read her play for the school and Liz promises to consider it even though part of the rules for entry is to read it for the judges.  If she doesn't read it, she can't win and WE ALL KNOW THE FUCKING RULES.

This entire play thing seems so dumb to me. Plays are meant to be performed, not read.

When Liz gets home, she confronts Jess about having the party to humiliate Caroline. Jess admits that she's pretty sure Caroline made Adam up but that she encouraged Lila to have the party anyway because she thinks Caroline needs to be taught a lesson about lying. Liz thinks it's cruel but Jess refuses to back down. The wheels start turning in Liz's head and I really think she's going to get some random guy to pretend to be Adam for a night in order to teach Jess a lesson.

Honestly, none of these people should be teaching anyone a lesson. No one holds the moral high ground here. They're all awful.

Caroline ends up telling her sister Anita everything and Anita gives her a come-to-Jesus-talk about all the gossiping. She tells Caroline that the reason she's left out is because people are afraid of what she's going to spread around school about them. Caroline has a hard time listening to it but she knows Anita is right. She vows to make a change and I'm sure she will because that's all it takes in SV. After all, all Betsy had to do was vow to change and she became a completely different person. There must be something in the water in SV to make all these vows stick so well. That town must rock their New Year's resolutions.

The first thing Caroline does is take back her request for Liz to pass on reading her play. She says she's going to tell Lila and Jess the truth but panics when they approach her. Instead of being 100% honest, she admits that Adam copied the poems out of a book. Jess isn't sure what to think but asks if he's going to be at the party. Caroline panics again and says 'yes'.

Liz talks to Todd and tells him the entire story. She feels like Caroline has already learned her lesson and tells Todd that it will really burn Jess's ass if 'Adam' shows up Saturday night.  That's all Todd really needs to hear. He's always looking for opportunities to make Jess look stupid because he's an asshole. He promises to try to find an 'Adam' by Saturday.

This is so dumb, y'all.

Caroline goes up to apologize to Bill. He's pretty gracious about the entire thing and tells her that he dropped out of the contest anyway. He's auditioning for some TV series or something and just didn't have the time to complete the play. Caroline is happy for him and promises that her days of gossiping are over. You know....because she made a vow and it's super easy to change a lifetime of behavior with a vow.  {{{sarcasm font}}}

The C-plot is wrapped up in about two paragraphs when Alice announces that she isn't accepting the job offer. She decided that uprooting the girls in their junior year just isn't fair. The offer is apparently open ended and she may take it when they go off to college. The twins are elated.

The B-plot gets wrapped up next. Liz wins the contest because of course she does. No one is allowed to beat Elizabeth Wakefield. EVER. Those people read the rules when they moved to Sweet Valley. Elizabeth Wakefield IS the star of that town and they all just have to accept it. Forever.

And ever.

And ever.

And ever.

We skip to the party now. Caroline has a new dress and Anita has done her hair and make-up. Todd tells her that she looks different – she's actually pretty – and I want to slap him. What kind of compliment is that? Caroline doesn't even care that he basically told her she's ugly every day but today. She's too focused on the announcement she's going to make to the entire party. If Liz and Todd are planning to bail her out, they haven't told her. They're letting her go through all this anxiety to teach her a lesson I guess.

NONE OF THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE TEACHING LESSONS!

Besides, didn't Liz say Caroline already learned her lesson?  So is she just doing this because she's a bitch?

As Caroline gears up to make the announcement, a boy bounds up out of nowhere and kisses her. CONSENT PEOPLE! He whispers that she should introduce him as Adam so she does. Jess is stunned and Lila is smug since she thought Adam existed all along. The boy tells Caroline that he's a friend of Todd's so she goes to thank Liz and Todd for saving her life. But, you know, letting her stew about it for a week in the meantime.

As the evening goes on, Caroline realizes that this isn't the answer. She's still going to have to make up things about Adam and she doesn't want to do that anymore. So she takes a big breath and makes her announcement to the crowd after all. She tells everyone that Adam never existed and this guy is named Jerry and he's just playing a role. Then she runs off. Jerry runs after her and tells her that he thinks she's awesome before kissing her again. So all's well that ends well I guess.

Jess is annoyed because even though Caroline told the truth, no one really seemed to care. She didn't get the big comeuppance she was expecting. Lila is still smug because Jess is annoyed and there's nothing Lila likes better I think.

The book ends with setting up the next one as usual.

Coming up Next: it's a Bruce/Regina book. Yay.

Rags to Riches (SVH #16) by Francine Pascal

 

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know what cold-hearted-bitch move the twins made this book.

Tag Line: Look who's after Roger Barrett!

From the Back of the Book: Roger Strikes it rich...No one would have guessed that Roger Barrett, the poorest boy in Sweet Valley, was really one of the Patmans, the wealthiest family in town. But when Roger's mother dies, the secret of his birth is revealed and overnight he becomes a millionaire! Immediately, Jessica Wakefield sets her sights on Roger and his newfound wealth. Only one thing stands in her way – Olivia Davidson, Roger's longtime girlfriend. But not for long. Jessica has a surefire plan to take care of her!

Meet the Cast

*Elizabeth Wakefield – identical twin of Jessica and massive fucking martyr.

*Jessica Wakefield – identical twin of Elizabeth with narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

*Ned Wakefield – neglectful patriarch of the clan and successful lawyer

*Alice Wakefield – neglectful matriarch of the clan and an interior designer

*Steven Wakefield – older brother, university student and general asshole

*Enid Rollins – Liz's best friend and generic good-girl type

*Todd Wilkins – Liz's douchebag boyfriend and star of the SVH basketball team

*Lila Fowler – Jessica's self-absorbed best friend and representative of SV new money

*Bruce Patman – school dick and representative of SV old money

*Ken Matthews – star quarterback and resident jock stereotype

*Winston Egbert – stereotypical school nerd

There are more but these are the main characters that plague us book after book.

This book was published in 1985 and this is my first time reading it. The cover couldn't be any more 80's with that ridiculous popped collar. Why did we ever think that was cool? Roger looks like a douche. Honestly, if I didn't know it was him, I would assume it was Bruce. The character seems more in line with Bruce than Roger.

In the last book. Tricia died and Steven made a promise to watch out for her sister Betsy who quickly developed a crush on him. Jess wasn't pleased about this because Betsy had a horrible reputation. She turned out to be a good artist, though, and by the end of the book she was a completely different person due to the attention of the exalted Wakefields. In a barely acknowledged C-Plot, Roger's mother died and there was a big reveal that he was really a Patman. Also, Winston ate a lot of pizza.

We begin with Roger and his girlfriend Olivia having lunch at SVH. It's Roger's first day back to school since his mom died a week ago. He recaps his minuscule C-Plot for us, but since I already did that, I'm skipping it. Olivia tells us that Roger is now living with the Patman's and he's already managed to get himself contacts and better clothes.

Apparently Roger's dad knew he existed but since he was married to another woman, he couldn't marry Roger's mom. Instead of, you know, paying fucking child support or something, he willed his entire fortune to his child but stipulated that the kid couldn't know about it until he was 21 or until his mom died, whichever happened first. Roger's dad really sucked. Roger grew up in absolute poverty because of the way that will was written. Apparently Bruce's dad did try to get Roger's mom to take some money at some point but she refused which means she also sucked. Her child was getting absolutely bullied in school because he was so poor and he had to work at night to help pay the bills instead of enjoying his childhood because she was too proud to accept the help that was OWED to Roger.

I'm already mad and we've barely started. This doesn't bode well.

We head hop to Jess who is teasing Lila about Roger being the one who got away. Several books ago, Roger had a huge crush on Lila but she turned him down because he was so poor. Lila pretends she doesn't care how rich Roger is now. She still thinks he's too “scruffy”.

Pascal takes a minute to remind us how perfect the twins are with their hair of sunshine and their “perfect size-six figures”. It's super annoying and my least favorite part of any book.

Jess is pretty excited because the Patman's are going to throw a huge party to welcome Roger into the family officially and she's looking forward to being in the mansion again. Jess loves that house and used to dream about being mistress of it by marrying Bruce. Of course, Bruce is a predator asshole so Jess had to abandon her dream. Now that there's a new Patman in the ranks, she wonders if her dream could actually come true.

We hop into Liz's head for a fraction of a page. It's just long enough for Todd to introduce our apparent B-Plot of this book. Apparently something mysterious is going on with Regina but he leaves Liz hanging and says they'll talk after school. ((Regina is the little sister of that guy Liz cheated on Todd with a couple of books back.))

We're back with Roger now. He's finding it difficult to fit in at the Patman's mansion. Bruce doesn't want him there and Mrs Patman takes every opportunity to tell him that he's doing things wrong. He doesn't wear the right clothes or use the right fork at dinner and he's continually embarrassing her in front of her snooty friends. Roger feels out of place and lonely. Mr Patman tries to make him feel welcome but it doesn't undo the damage being done by the other two.

It's weird that Mr Patman is our nice guy in this book.  In previous books, Pascal has definitely painted him as an asshole.  It just proves she doesn't retain any information about her characters from one book to the next.  It's a trait her characters share as well because none of them ever seem to remember what Jess is like either.

Todd finally calls Liz after school to fill her in about Regina. He says that Regina has been leaving school early lately and he hardly ever sees her in their last period English class. She's also been spending a lot of time alone and acting nervous. He says he has some kind of plan but again won't tell Liz about it until the next day.

What's with Todd and his weird teasers? He's the human version of click bait in this book.  If I were Liz, I'd definitely kick him in the shins.

Todd reveals his grand plan to Liz the next day. They're going to skip their last class and try to see where Regina goes when she leaves the school. Liz is scandalized at the idea of skipping school but agrees that they need to find out what's going on in case Regina needs some kind of help. Because the Wakefields are the only people who could ever offer anyone help. They follow Regina to some kind of medical center where she's met by an older man who kisses her cheek and escorts her inside.

(((Note from future me: Pascal refers to this building as a medical center the entire book but it's actually some kind of plaza where a lot of different kinds of businesses rent space.  You know what I mean.)))

We skip to Saturday which is the day of the big “Welcome Roger” party. Liz notices Olivia moping about in a corner alone and goes to ask her what's wrong. Olivia tells her that Bruce's mom was really cold toward her and she's worried that Roger will be influenced to break up with her. Liz reassures her that Roger loves her and he won't let his aunt tell him what to do. Meanwhile, Jess is turning on the charm toward Mrs Patman and the woman is falling for it hook, line and sinker. She goes on and on about how considerate and lovely Jess is and then corners Jess to ask her about Roger's other friends. In particular, she seems interested in Olivia. Jess tells her that she doesn't know Olivia very well because Olivia is incredibly shy. Mrs Patman reacts as if being shy is the worst thing a person can be. She tells Jess that Roger needs to date someone more social from a good family and insinuates that Jess would be the perfect person. Jess is thrilled.

For some reason that I can't figure out at all, Olivia approaches Jess later in the buffet line and comments that she wishes she could be confident like Jess. This makes no fucking sense in any way. Olivia doesn't even like Jess. Why would she just go up to her and say she wishes she could be like her? Give me a break, Pascal. At least try to make it make sense. Jess senses an opportunity and figures she can sabotage Olivia while making it look like she's helping. The first thing she does is encourage Olivia to make herself two plates of food because there's nothing more embarrassing than a girl eating a hamburger AND a brownie amirite?

I hate everyone.

Sure enough, Bruce teases Olivia for actually eating and Olivia is humiliated.

What the fuck does Pascal have against girls eating? I sense some deep-seated issues here in Pascal's own life.

Later, Jess talks Olivia into diving and Olivia does a belly flop and embarrasses herself even further. I guess we're supposed to believe that Jess set that up too but there's no conceivable way that Jess could have predicted that would happen. Pascal thinks we're all idiots. Then she plans for Roger and Olivia to join her and Bruce for a game of doubles tennis. Roger is a track dude and Olivia doesn't sport so Jess is sure this will lead to further humiliation for Olivia while simultaneously making Roger see how awesome Jess is on the court.

On Monday afternoon, most of the student body of SVH are lounging around outside after school for some reason instead of going home like normal people, when a beige Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. The attractive older man that Liz and Todd saw Regina with earlier in the book gets out and approaches Lila asking her if she could direct him to Regina. Regina comes running out of the school calling the man Lane. They get into his Ferrari and take off. Rumors begin to fly.

While that's going on, Olivia and Jess are at the mall to look at tennis clothes for the tennis shenanigans the next afternoon. Olivia tries on some tennis shorts and a polo shirt and instantly feels ridiculous. She tells Jess that she'd rather just wear her gym shorts and Jess agrees that it might be best. She leads Olivia into a dress shop and asks what she's wearing to the country club dance. Olivia has picked out some fabric to make her own dress but Jess confides in her that Roger is having a hard time with his aunt and it might make things easier on him if Olivia was a little more classy and tried harder to fit in. Olivia thinks to herself that Jess is right – she's just one big embarrassment and not right for Roger at all.

Hold up. Olivia knows Jess. She knows what Jess does and how she operates. Why is she trusting her here? It makes no logical sense. It's like Pascal expects us to believe that no one ever remembers what Jess does except Todd.

The next day at school, Lila is super busy telling everyone who will listen that Regina is probably having sex with Lane. Caroline, the biggest gossip at SVH, absorbs the info and Lila congratulates herself at taking Regina's reputation down a few notches. Pascal really hasn't explained Lila's motives at all. She wrote in a brief paragraph where Todd speculated that Lila didn't like having another rich girl in town but it didn't make much sense and feels pretty weak. I don't know what I was expecting.

Caroline asks Lila and Jess who they are taking to the country club dance and they both evade the question. Lila doesn't have a date and Jess is still hoping to end up with Roger. Caroline says that her boyfriend Adam won't be able to make it because he lives two hours away. Lila is instantly suspicious. She's never heard of this Adam guy and she starts interrogating Caroline about him. Caroline says they met at a party and he's been writing her daily letters ever since.  I guess this is our C-plot for the book.

We skip to the tennis match. Jess suggests that they play boys against girls first. I'm not sure why. Olivia is a disaster. After each mistake she makes, Roger tries to call out something helpful she can do to improve and Jess can tell that Olivia is getting pissed off about it. She makes sure to tell Olivia how well she's doing for a beginner so Olivia feels like Jess is on her side and Roger isn't. After two games, Olivia tells them that she wants to go home. Roger is disappointed and tries to convince her to stay but Jess offers to drive her home. She doesn't want Olivia and Roger to have time alone and work things out.

The next day, Regina approaches Liz and asks her to come to her house after school. Liz agrees, hoping she'll get to the bottom of the B-plot. It turns out that Lane is a model scout and he discovered Regina downtown one day. She's been doing a photo shoot for a magazine and they decided to give her the cover for the next month's issue. Liz is excited for her. Regina asks her to keep it a secret until the magazine comes out. She gives some weird reason about fighting her own battles and not giving into rumors which really doesn't make much sense but nothing else in this book has either. Later, Todd asks Liz what she found out and Liz says that she can't tell him. Todd acts like a four-year-old about it as usual.

At school the next day Olivia betrays us all by introducing a D-plot. There's some kind of playwriting contest that she tells Liz about. Liz wants to enter but there's only a month until submissions have to be in. I'm sure this won't cause any conflict with her super mature boyfriend when she has to write instead of spending time with him.

Jess rocks up and tells Liz that she and Olivia are going to Olivia's house to hem a dress for the country club dance. Liz is a little suspicious about Jess's motives since Jess doesn't sew but decides to keep her nose out of it for once. Jess goes back to Olivia's house where she's dismayed to discover that the dress is cotton. Olivia defends it, saying that the fabric is imported from Greece. She's designed the dress so it has a V-neck and a sash around the waist and Jess thinks it would make a lovely swimsuit coverup but a lousy dress for the dance. She tells Olivia that it's too informal and all eyes will be on her since she's there with Roger. She hints that the dress will be a huge embarrassment to Roger and that Olivia should buy a new one.

Olivia doesn't have the money to purchase a new dress so she's feeling pretty lousy. Jess drives the sword a little deeper by saying that the Patman's are all Roger has left in the world and it's Olivia's responsibility to make sure that Roger makes a good impression because if he doesn't, his life is going to be completely miserable in their house. Olivia is crushed. She knows there's no way that she can go to this dance with Roger. She'll just end up ruining his life. In fact, there's no way the two of them can stay together.

Jess really is a master.

Meanwhile, Mrs Patman is calling Roger into her room to talk to him. She asks about his hobbies and then looks down her nose at them, declaring running to be sweaty and not very social. She asks about his future plans and then expresses dismay when he tells her he wants to be a doctor because it's “messy”. Then she asks who he's taking to the dance. When he says Olivia, Mrs Patman gets all fluttery. She implies that Olivia won't be suitable at all and suggests that Bruce can set him up with someone who won't embarrass the entire family. Roger wants to go with Olivia but feels bad about going against his aunt who has taken him in when he had nowhere else to go. He tells her he'll think about it. He's determined to make the Patmans proud of him to pay them back for all they've done.

The next day, Regina tells Liz that she's meeting with Lane to go over the photo proofs for the magazine. Somehow Lila manages to overhear the part about meeting Lane but not the part about the photos or the magazine. It's really dumb and unbelievable but Pascal thinks we're idiots. Lila decides to hang out in the parking lot and follow Regina to see where she's going.

Regina and Lane go to his office with Lila not far behind them. She overhears the receptionist and an assistant talking about Regina being in the magazine and she freaks out. She fantasizes about Lane seeing her and deciding that she should be in the magazine instead which also doesn't make sense because Lane ALREADY SAW HER AT THE SCHOOL. He talked to her. So if seeing her was going to change his mind, it would have already been changed. Fucking hell, Pascal. Anyway, Lila makes an appointment to see him later in the week, thinking her beauty will definitely get Regina fired.

We skip to Olivia and Roger outside of the school. She tells him that she can't go to the dance with him after all because she feels like she won't be able to be herself around his family. She admits to him that the Patmans make her feel really uncomfortable and she feels like a clod around them. He protests that it's going to be really embarrassing for him if she backs out because he already told everyone that she was going with him. She accuses him of being more worried about his feelings than hers and this pisses him off so they break up.

When Jess hears about the breakup, she immediately goes to the Patman mansion to talk to Roger. Mrs Patman answers the door herself which is so unrealistic that it knocks me right out of the story. Mrs P would never deign to answer the door herself. If they don't have a butler, she'd certainly have a maid do it. Anyway, she's thrilled to see Jess and leads her out to the patio where Roger is reading. Jess goes on full-sabotage mode, telling Roger that Olivia broke up with him so he'd go to the dance alone and everyone would laugh at him. She says that Olivia's jealous of his new life and wants him to go back to being poor and unhappy. Jess lets it slip that she doesn't have a date for the dance and Roger immediately asks her.

Honestly, Olivia is better off without him. If he'd believe those things about her, he obviously doesn't know her very well or think very highly of her. Plus, he's also aware of who Jess is and everything she's done before. He's supposed to be smart. He should know better than to believe her.

When Roger tells his aunt, she's thrilled. Roger is happy that he's finally pleased her but down deep he misses Olivia.

Sure you do.

Lila goes to her meeting with Lane and finds out that Regina is not only in the magazine, but on the cover and it's already gone to production. She's upset that there's nothing she can do to prevent Regina from being in the magazine. Lane adds insult to injury by telling Lila that she doesn't have the bone structure to be a model and her face would photograph really flat. It's not a nice thing to say but the modeling industry isn't nice. Lila leaves fuming.

We skip to the day of the dance. Roger is in his uncle's room looking for some cufflinks to wear when his aunt comes into the attached sitting room. She's on the phone and doesn't know he's in there. He keeps quiet because he's afraid he'll get in trouble even though his uncle gave him permission to look for the cufflinks. His aunt is talking to a friend about how happy she is that Roger broke up with Olivia. She mentions that she thinks Jess had something to do with it but THERE'S NO WAY SHE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE THIS FUCKING INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pascal's not even trying at this point. It would have made more sense for Roger to overhear JESS talking about the things she did to break them up. Mrs Patman would know NONE OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roger is upset that he hadn't been suspicious of Jess spending time with Olivia. I'm upset too because you're all fucking idiots.

Roger calls the Wakefield house and asks to meet with both Liz and Jess together before the dance.  Jess has been getting ready and Liz has been doing research for our D-plot but they agree to meet with him.  When he arrives, he tells them that he's made a horrible mistake and that he needs to fix things with Olivia. Jess can't exactly talk him out of it with Liz standing right there but she's furious. Roger tells Jess that he can't take her to the dance and then he and Liz leave to go talk to Olivia. Jess calls Neil and surprises him with the news that he can take her to the dance.

I don't remember who Neil is.  I also don't care.

Roger and Liz get to Olivia's house. He starts apologizing right away. He tells her what Jess did (EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT SHE DID BECAUSE ALL MRS PATMAN SAID WAS THAT SHE SUSPECTED JESS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT. BUT SUDDENLY ROGER IS SPOUTING INFORMATION ABOUT HOW JESS WANTED TO MAKE OLIVIA FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AND ROGER FEEL LIKE SHE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. THERE'S NO WAY FOR HIM TO KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

He tells Olivia that he wants to take her to the dance to prove to his aunt that being a Patman isn't going to change who he is. Olivia agrees but then takes Liz aside to show her the dress and ask her if it's okay to wear. Liz assures her that it's a beautiful dress and Roger will love her in it.

When Liz gets home, she confronts Jess. Jess puts on her innocent eyes and tells Liz that she was truly only trying to help Olivia and she just made a mess of things because she didn't realize how insecure both Olivia and Roger are. Liz buys it because she's a fucking idiot. Jess then shows her the magazine with Regina on the cover and says that Todd called three times while Liz was gone. Liz figures he saw the magazine and he's upset with her for keeping the secret.

I don't really know what happens between Liz and Todd because Pascal doesn't bother to write it. She just has them come into the dance all lovey-dovey as usual so I guess the B-plot had finally reached it's conclusion.

Mrs Patman pulls Roger aside after the receiving line at the dance is over to tell him he's an embarrassment. Mr Patman overhears and chews his wife out for not being welcoming to their new nephew. When she leaves, Mr Patman tells Roger that he's proud of how well Roger is adjusting to everything and he doesn't want him to change who he is. Roger is grateful. Mr Patman also says that Olivia is a lovely girl and she's always welcome in their home and at their events.

We end the book with our C-plot. Lila leaves her date Drake-not-Aubrey to fix her hair in the ladies' room. A whole bunch of girls are there fussing over Regina. Lila is furious about the attention Regina is getting. Caroline accuses her of being jealous so Lila retaliates by asking her where this boyfriend of hers is. Caroline instantly gets flustered and says he couldn't make it. Cara and Lila clearly don't believe in the existence of this boyfriend, so Caroline pulls a letter out of her pocket. Imma just leave this here.....

“How I wish I could be with you tonight at the dance. But, Caroline, as long as you know I love you, everything will be all right. You asked me the other day how much I loved you. Caroline, it's pretty heard to measure how I feel. Let me put it this way: I love you to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight. And if you'll be mine, nothing shall ever keep us apart. I'll love you even more after our deaths.”

Um.

Is that a threat?

That feels like a threat.

Caroline, honey, you should take this to the police.

Lila and Cara make fun of the letter for obvious reasons. It's pretty cringey. Cara still doesn't believe in George Glass.....ahem....I meant Adam....and basically asks Caroline to produce him in person for proof. Caroline gets more nervous and says he's going to try to get the car so he can visit soon.

The book ends with Caroline feeling worried about the week ahead.

I'd be more worried that Adam wants to reenact Romeo and Juliet.

Coming up Next: IDK. Caroline either has or doesn't have a boyfriend that either wants or doesn't want to murder her.